I feel guided to write about the blessings and difficulties with family.
I have been out of touch with my parents, off and on, for over 20 years. There have been times of contact, almost always at my hand, in which I had high hopes that things would work out and that I could feel safe in their company. But any short-lived hopes were slowly (or quickly) dashed when some new unconsciousness caused me to need to back away in order to protect myself and my children.
It’s not that my standards are that high; in fact, my desire for safety fights with my loyalty and deep craving to be with my people, the ones that I came from. I have put myself in the line of fire many times over because I have listened to that little girl inside of me that wants her parents. At some point, and more than once, I have had to step in as a wise and discerning adult to take care of her and parent her myself.
My challenges with my family of origin started much earlier than when I went into recovery at age 23 for PTSD. As a little girl, I felt the shakiness of the ground I walked on due to the flimsiness of my parents’ own parenting. They, too, were looking for ground in their lives, not having had parents that could stand up and be emotionally responsible adults. As my parents had me so young, and as they elected not to do any therapeutic work about their parenting in subsequent years, I was my own parent (as well as theirs, at times). To my great shock, I realized just recently that I did not truly have a childhood.
I have found an unfortunate side effect of not having been parented is a feeling of being ungrounded in physical life. This has forced me to find ground in myself. One of the ways this has manifested for me is making myself heavier (both physically and emotionally, a way to anchor myself to the earth and to feel somewhat safer).
Another way this has shown up for me is to have experimented with many ways of thinking and trying on different beliefs, ideas, and experiences, like so many costumes. The basic core of who I am is the same…but I have had a willingness to be open to many new ideas without judgment. This has taught me so much.
Perhaps the most damaging side effect of being ungrounded due to not being parented adequately (that I experience) is a pervasive lack of trust. This mistrust can translate to many levels: daily situations (if I put this in the mail can I trust that it will get there?), nature (if I step outside the door, will there be a rattlesnake ready to bite me or a tree ready to fall on my head?), and Spirit (does Godde really have my back?) But the most crippling mistrust that I experience is in people. While I have come a long way to heal my mistrust of Spirit, Nature and All Creation, I find that there are very few people that I trust.
What I mean by trust is…can I be myself with you? Can I say what is true for me in your presence without judgment or negation? Can I live my life and hold my own beliefs as I see fit without condemnation or denigration? Can you find it in your heart to applaud my courage in finding my own path rather than being threatened by it? Can I be completely me with you, warts and all?
Healing the trust wound is a tough process; by necessity, healing it means sticking your neck out, over and over, in hopes that you won’t get squashed like a bug. The irony of healing mistrust by attempting to trust is not lost on me; the vulnerability that is needed is mind boggling. But there’s no other way to do it; the alternative is to stay in a shell like a turtle and miss out on so much.
There’s a big, wide world out there; the rewards for trusting in the right moments are profound and go a long way towards feeling like I belong on this earth.
Dear Licia, I read this & felt like I was reading my own story. Our backgrounds are very similar right down to PTSD, trust, and not having the relationship with my natural mother I’ve always wanted. It’s been 14 years since we’ve spoken. I often stand at her door [in my head] knocking or think of picking up the phone but trust keeps me from trying ‘one more time’… I’m sure you totally understand that sentence better than most people do. My birth mother (I also have a wonderful foster mom so I specify which one when I’m talking about mothers) turned 80 this past August. I don’t know if I’ll spend one day wondering if I should have tried ‘one more time’ but ‘today’ I do not feel safe crossing over that threshold. So I remain in the safety and boundaries I know are safe. I’ll send you healing energy. Trust is a big one to learn when your child heart never got to come out & play~ Peace & love to you & yours especially this time of year~ Lille
Dear Lille,
It does sound as if we have walked a similar path in some ways! I honor you for the bravery and self-care you have shown in discerning what is right for you…it is not an easy task.
It is also not easy to live without one’s family, as I’m sure you know….with all that I have learned, and how my life path has grown me, I am so much bigger than the things that were done/said to me….and yet the inner conflict of “stay safe” or “reach out yet again” still lingers. As a person that feels deeply and wants to love, it makes the conflict all that much harder to bear.
And yet!!! I am 24 years into a relationship with my partner, who has also taught me so much about love and trust….and my two children are shining lights in my life…and they are teaching me, along with some others, that trust is possible! I have made great strides, and there is hope for more!
xo
Licia
Wow, Licia, thanks for sharing! I think a lot of us are going through this. My spiritual path has helped ground me, but sometimes I wonder who I really am. I have to consciously come back to myself and really look within.
My dad recently had a stroke, and I haven’t been close to him in many years (well, we never were really what I’d call “close.” He has been an alcoholic most of his life.). Since his wife is mentally ill and he has nobody else close to him, I’ve stepped in to be there for him and to help guide his care. Part of me is very grateful for this, since I am returning to this relationship with no anger, resentment, or fear. I can see him as just another human being. He has been in varying levels of consciousness, but he knows that I am here for him.
I had an interesting incident–the song “Cats In The Cradle” was playing, and it’s pretty much our relationship. (I had bought a cd player and copied some cds I knew he liked.) As I stood there holding his hand (he was sleeping), I started crying and was able to stay present in the sadness, and I noticed that there was nothing else attached to it–no regret, no wishing things were different in our relationship, just sadness. It was very strange and wonderful.
In many ways, I am very grateful for this opportunity. Some of it is really difficult–wanting him to get the proper care and having to let go of decisions that aren’t mine to make–but I know that this is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.
Thanks for sharing your growth and insights. I am grateful that you are here.
Love, Peace & Gratitude,
Julie Hall
Dear Julie,
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your story! I honor you for following what feels right to you. and I respect so much your willingness to be present in all of your feelings!
I think that being present with our feelings is the most true thing we can do, ever. Over my years of recovery work, shock, despair, anger were the prevalent feelings…and when I began to seek spiritual understanding of what had happened to me, I got a bigger perspective. Now, many years into the process, I feel love, sadness, compassion, understanding, discernment, wisdom….all from afar. Letting myself feel ALL of these feelings was so important; honoring myself for where I was, wherever I was, no matter how challenging, was a key piece of my healing.
The gifts that I have been given through all of my healing have been innumerable. I’m grateful that by sharing my own process it touches you to share yours!
xo
Licia
Me too. All of it. In my way. Thank you for wordifying all of that.
MrsWhich, thank you for teaching me a new word!
Licia, thanks for this post. It resonates for me. I’ve spent the last four years relearning what it means to find ground. Most of this time I’ve spent literally lying on the ground. A powerful resource on this journey toward trusting myself, others, and the earth I stand on has come from working with Caryn McHose, a perceptual movement therapist. She wrote an incredible, practical book called, How Life Moves: Explorations in Meaning and Body Awareness. I highly recommend it. Her website if your interested is http://www.resourcesinmovement.com.
I’m glad to have found your voice.
Jasmine
Greetings, Jasmine!
So pleased to see you here and thank you for commenting and offering your experience.
I agree that literally spending time on the ground is an absolute wonder…so simple! I’ll be looking into the resource you provided.
Blessings,
Licia
I am very mistrustful of people also.
I trust nature.
I trust the universe/spirit.
I trust in cycles.
I trust in a great many things and ideas, but not many people.
Great post.
Peace, mel
Hey Melinda, I get you….I trust the things that you mention, perhaps because they are naturally occuring rather than manmade….and I am learning to trust people, but it is hard going. Such great grist for the mill, this working on seeing my reflection in others’ eyes.