Archive for January, 2009

I was realizing that I have not written a straight family-whereabouts-update in ages, so for those of you who might be a little weary of my philosophizing, this is for you!

We are in Pismo Beach, California and enjoying the most spectacular warm, sunny days and cool nights right on the Pacific Ocean.  We moved down here on January 18, and will stay until February 6th.  The park we are staying in is a mega-resort-thingie….usually not very appealing to us back-to-nature types!  But we have had uninterrupted internet service, laundry right on site, a place I can spread out and do DDR (hard to dance like a maniac in the RV), and a place to ride our bikes for hours on end…the waterline on the beach.  We have had the BEST time here. 

It has been a nice break from the intensity of the inner work we were doing at the campground in San Luis Obispo.  I find that SLO has an energy of healing, which means to ME that it helps to bring up, in the most loving way, those energies within that are outdated and ready to heal.  Sometimes this feels very good and welcoming (in fact, that is how we have felt about SLO most of the time!)  Other times, it can be intense and a little trying.  Asheville NC was that way for us, but we are much more conscious now, so we are not experiencing the whumps-on-the-head that we did in our 7 years there. 

Coming down to Pismo has been literally that…it has felt like coming down into an easier vibration, one in which we can relax and assimilate all of the inner changes we have been making. 

SO, what’s the plan?  Well, here we are in the most fabulous winter I think I have ever experienced, enjoying the heck out of it.   We feel we have found paradise, and we have no desire to go elsewhere.  The Central Coast is a gem and definitely the right place for us.  

But we have these properties in Colorado that we need to sell, which are located in a spectacular remote region most people have never even heard of.  Colorado’s real estate market is doing pretty well, but in the San Luis Valley of Colorado, you have to WANT to live there.  We believe someone very special will feel called to own our homestead in the largest alpine valley in the world.  Here is a link to our house if you’d like to have a look: http://www.berrytrip.us/Sanctuary.htm.  Until we sell THERE, we can’t become permanent residents HERE. 

So we are kind of floating in a grounded way.  Sounds funny, I know! 

We are being welcomed into the community here, we are doing our homeschooling and working and living our lives, but doing it an RV in parks surrounded by people that are on vacation or retired, full-timing.  We want so much to be in a house and get the kids in school and SETTLE IN.  But it is not time yet.

We are developing a “PLAN A”.  PLAN A says that we will remain in the RV, bouncing around the RV parks in the SLO area until the end of March, at which point we will put the RV in storage and go back to Colorado to pack up our belongings.  We will plan to be there for four weeks.  The snow should be fairly gone by then; it will still be pretty chilly compared to coastal California, but we can buck up for a month.  We will pack up a moving truck and bring our belongings to California, where we will rent a house May 1st.  At that point we will become residents enough that we will feel part of things and can get the kids in school.

It is not ideal, for sure…I would rather not have to move twice; for once our properties sell in Colorado, we will want to buy a house here.  But I suspect a larger logic; perhaps it is a timing issue.  California is going through a very difficult time economically (except for little pockets such as San Luis Obispo, for some reason that I could pontificate about for many hours).  Perhaps it is not good to be tied to the state in a more permanent way just yet. 

And so we will remain as grounded as we can, as much a part of the community as we can, while we also remain stretched and flexbile.  Fortunately, we learned on our 2-year journey that our groundedness is in our own Beingness and in our family.  We have been practicing this ever since, the way the Buddhists practice meditation.  This seems to be something that we have become good at as a family, as we have been called to do it many times now.  Perhaps it is a skill that will serve us well in the future.

Wendy and Ruby 2008

Well, my last biological grandparent has left this earth and become one with the All That Is.  I wish she had realized that while she was living!  Ruby died this morning around 3:00 a.m. mountain time in Tucson. 

It was not an easy death…my Aunt Wendy has willingly bourne the brunt of caring for Ruby in her last months, so she got to watch, up close and personal, as Ruby struggled to let go.  

It was back in August that I got the first call that Ruby was “on her way out”.  Her heart had stopped, but then restarted.  Everyone flocked to Tucson to see her and to say goodbye.  Much ado was made.  But Ruby had other plans.

I would receive 5 calls in the next 6 months, all saying the same thing….”It looks like she is heading out.”  But Ruby, an actress right to the end, could not resist another curtain call. 

Truly, though, what Ruby wrestled with was her fear of letting go and moving forward, as is the case with so many humans, in death and in life.  It is a hard, hard thing to watch.

In this time of crashing and burning for so many of us on the planet, we have a choice of whether or not to let fear rule us.  Just like Ruby did.  There are times when our spine is tested and it is good to stand against what touches us.  But there are times when we are facing a tsunami and we simply cannot hang on.  Do we face the inevitable with dignity and choose to cooperate with it, or do we succomb to fear and resist change, clinging to what cannot be sustained any longer?

Sometimes it is the right course of action to SURRENDER.

Some things got confirmed for me as I witnessed this struggle:

• Life flows much better if you don’t resist
• The same is true of death
• It is good to get your earthly life in order before you are making your exit
• It is good to live your life AWAKE and fully present, not in FEAR and in a triggered place of the past
• Drama does not do anyone any good, except in the case of entertainment 
• In facing death (as in facing challenges), we are revealed for our truest essence
• Ruby is exactly who I perceived her to be in my wisest moments

I am grateful for seeing her twice before she died; in these last months, she seemed to get clearer and clearer.  She said kind things to me that she did not ever say before; I felt that she saw me for the first time in my life.  What a gift for me to feel her acknowledging eyes upon me, and to hear her say she now understood some things.

I assisted in the ways that I know how; praying that she release her fear, asking for the angelic spectrum to assist her passage, and yesterday, doing polarity work to ground her in her body so she would know that the earth would take care of it for her. 

I pray for my sweet Aunt Wendy that she easily release the emotional energy that she has not allowed herself to express that has built up over these months.  I pray that the trauma of watching someone struggle in terrible fear will be a wise learning and a healing.  I pray that she will take care of herself now, and selfishly.  I pray she does not allow this to cost her too much in her life.  And I pray for her to now get some rest. 

I pray that my death is graceful and in integrity with my heart and soul, and that I continue to make peace with myself and my life so that I leave feeling clean.  I strive to live a good life; perhaps I can hope for a ”good death”. 

The family and I watched the inauguration with excitement this morning. 8:30 a.m. on the Pacific coast.  Jess said as we woke him up, “It feels like Christmas!”  I had to agree…the anticipation and exhilaration of this day feels like all goodness to me.

Hearing Obama speak has been such a learning experience for me; I am aware now that I am a serious patriot of the original intent of our country.  I have always known this to be true to some degree, but have a fuller awareness of this now. 

Perhaps my earliest recall of doing anything remotely political in nature is sitting in my grandparents’ living room in Charlotte at the age of 7 with my Aunt Wendy, who played the Fifth Dimension’s 1970 Medley: The Declaration / A Change Is Gonna Come-People Gotta Be Free, a song that puts a section of the U.S. Constitution to melody.  She played it over and over again until I memorized it and was able to sing along without looking at the words.  It instilled in me a deep and passionate understanding of those words that have continued to inspire me to this day.  Thank you, Wendy!

As a fifth grader, my class embarked on a field trip to a fort on the coast Wilmington, NC; there as we toured the swamp beyond the fort, I had a spontaneous experience of being a soldier, dying on the ground in my Revolutionary War uniform.  The feeling I had along with this surprising vision was one of pride, sadness, confusion, and being willing to die for what was right in my heart.   That was the same year I developed a sudden interest in the presidential race and campaigned heartily for Jimmy Carter, even growing peanuts in a little terracotta pot on the kitchen windowsill as a show of support. 

When I was in seventh grade, I won an award for an essay that I wrote on “Why I am Proud to be an American”.  The writing was informed by an idealistic child’s understanding, but it came from a genuine and pure love of the ideals this country was founded upon.  I remember flushing with pleasure when my seventh grade social studies class jumped to their feet in standing ovation when I read it aloud.  Apparently I’d struck a nerve. 

As an adult, my idealism has been worn down into a feeling of being jaded; my observation is that most Americans don’t think very much about the outrageous courage it took for those rebels to break away from England, and to be so very committed to their vision and true to their hearts, they were willing to risk everything.  I have not seen that most Americans, even in their robotic shuffle to the voting booth, understand the gravity of their ability to choose a leader in a peaceful manner.  ”Are they thinking about anyone but themselves?” I would wonder.  “Are they thinking about the good of the whole?”

I took to carrying a copy of the Constitution in my purse a few years ago.  I think it was in part due to my wanting to keep it closer to my consciousness, and in part to bring it out in case I was confronted by someone who did not value my right to free speech or to believe as I do.  Kind of a back-up.  I have felt threatened by our country’s past leadership, plain and simple.  I have felt my hope for a brighter future for my children dwindle with each passing year.  I have felt that I would need to take matters into my own hands in order to defend the liberties my forefathers and foremothers so bravely fought for.  I have felt an unnamable grief, one that has come to the surface now that that era is over (read more about that here).

I feel differently now.  My family and I watched the election among the company of new friends in our new location here in San Luis Obispo…the feeling of Obama being elected was like a dream come true for so many of us.  How many years have we hoped and prayed and wished for the leader at the top of our nation to shine?  How many years have we hoped for equality for all races, all religions, all beliefs?  How long have we felt injustice and unfairness and known it could be different?  It is almost as if many of us were encoded with this data, the data that would bring change to the world and launch it into its new era.

I LOVE that our new president is so well versed in the Constitution. The highest intention of our country, the principles it was founded upon….what other ideals would we want for a leader, whose sacred task is to hold true to the vision that caused this country to be born in the first place?    

Well, Obama said more than once in his inauguration speech that we are entering a New Age.  I feel that to be true.  We were so inspired this morning that my family had a little ceremony in which we chose to consciously align in the new administration’s efforts.  We asked to know how we can be of service to the noble goals of Obama’s leadership, to be shown the ways we can assist the Whole of our country to be the sparkling model of freedom that it can be.  

a new beginning

One of the consequences of change is that we are invited to relate to the world in a different way than we did before, whether slightly or in a very drastic move to become a different person.  I like the degrees of change when I am morphing, myself;  a little refinement here, and little shave there.  Sure, we’ve made some drastic life changes in terms of our location, and certainly when we left Asheville in 2003 for our 2-year spiritual journey, we made some huge changes in who we were.  But now, the changes seem to be more subtle. 

I am watching us four as we settle into the idea of living in California; the town we have chosen has a definite healing quality about it, making it feel safe and relatively easy to let go of the outdated energies.  I am also watching how different we each are in the ways we process change and the way we create what is coming next.

My husband Peter is the “Great Manifestor”.  I have always been in awe of his ability to line up all the parts of himself with an idea, then POOF, the idea comes into being.  Where he gets stymied is when not all parts of himself are in alignment with the idea.  But when they are, watch out; it’s gonna happen for sure.   I am watching him now bring himself into alignment with yet another fabulous creation that will reflect his passions and spirit, and literally seeing the outdated parts of himself dropping off.

On the other hand, I seem to be more of a emergence person….what I mean by that is that I am in the process of discovery all of the time, and so rather than having a clear idea of what I want to do and going out to create it, I seem to be constantly uncovering bits and pieces of what I am becoming.  It’s kind of like finding little bits of buried treasure every few yards!  I like this process; it is fun for me, that is, until I want an answer NOW about what it is I am headed towards!

Jess and Aidan are similarly different (?) in their process.  Jess is super clear about where he is going and manifests quickly what he wants.  Aidan also seems to be a discoverer; he has to come to find things out for himself to incorporate new things into his life. 

So here I am in the midst of a change; my location is changing, my community is changing, the way I walk in the world is changing, and my work is changing.  But by degrees…..I have been pretty close to the core of who I am most of my life in terms of what I do in the world.  I have always been a catalyst, teacher and inspirer, but it seems that my work has taken on different depth the more I mature in my knowing of myself and the more I am comfortable with my personal power.  I am super excited because I can feel a new me coming, but I don’t know exactly what it looks like yet.  I am impatient!  I want to know what I will be doing!

The sensation I have had lately is that I have all of this wisdom and knowledge and experience and energy and passion and enthusiasm…and nowhere to plug it in.  Pure potential…and nowhere to put it.  I don’t know the avenues that I will be going down, the various modes of expressing myself.  I wonder if a tree feels like this in the winter as their energy builds up for the big Springing forth.  Or if it is like being pregnant in your late 9th month, and you feel that you can’t possibly get any bigger and that you are gonna pop if you don’t get that baby out.   I’m gonna burst if I don’t find the right plug!

I am told when I dial in to the universal field that it is a timing issue…that the energy is building in the world and within me, and that I am refining who I am and what I wll be expressing in the world, and that I am releasing outdated parts of myself that now longer serve me.  Like a new plant readying to be transplanted into the ground, it is not time for me to take off and GROW yet. 

So I am being reminded to TRUST the process and not try to hurry it along.  Hmmmmph!   OKAY, I will try…………

The Source Emerges....photo by Peter Berry, Jr. 2004

I am a process-oriented person, so I don’t see things happening all at once…when it comes to change, there is always a build-up of energy, there is always a tearing-down energy, and there is always a rebuilding energy.  In nature, this cycle is seamless.  For us humans, though, we get so upset when changes are happening!  But if we can just feel where the energy is going, we can choose to flow with and anticipate the changes so we aren’t so flustered with the inevitability of change.     

Last year our little family saw the end of a lot…the end of our love affair with our little town in Colorado, the end of some relationships, and the end of limited ways of seeing ourselves.  I got to know the sacred energy of the Goddess Kali very intimately!  The process of destruction and dissolution of these things was hard and painful at times, but it definitely felt right for it to happen.  What it felt like to me was that I had outgrown my skin…a restless and itchy feeling, and every time I tried to make my old skin comfortable, I felt like I was going to die.  It was as if by my trying to sustain the old reality that was dying away, I was saying no to life and yes to soul death.  It became very palpable and easy to identify by the end of the summer for us…we had to let go or we would not become who we were meant to be.  

So the crashing down of old thoughts, beliefs, relationships, systems, geographical locations, jobs, bodily health, etc. and the simultaneous release of outdated emotional energies was the norm for us as well as a lot of folks by the end of the year.  I am grateful to have the knowing and the tools to deal with these shifts in a conscious way so I don’t panic or feel that I am going crazy! 

The four of us as a family also know how to ride these waves of change…we have been consciously doing this as a family since we left for our first trip in 2003.  When we all had the strong feeling that we had to leave Colorado in October, we did it…and have escaped a very snowy winter thus far.  When we felt the guidance to come to San Luis Obispo, CA and acted upon that, we found the place we want to live.  When we cooperate with the natural universal energy flow (which I experience as deeper than the surface “going with the flow”), we are so taken care of; it is magic.

And now more changes are coming for us.  We are excited as we awaken early every morning and listen to the guidance that comes in the quiet hours…let go of this thing, begin to build this thing, turn here, pause here, dream and vision of your brilliant future…it is so very precious to feel how the universe loves us and is willing to guide us if we but choose to listen.  We are becoming, more than ever, who we know we are.

My good friend Terry Musch coined the phrase “2009 is the year of Emergence.”  I think he is exactly right.