Archive for July, 2009

I wrote this journal entry in 2003, right before my family’s life changed drastically.  It felt appropriate to share it here and now.

 

Form Follows Function

A journal entry by Licia Berry

www.liciaberry.com

8-03

Who am I?  God, please tell me.  No, I mean, who am I REALLY.  I have allowed myself to be defined by others for much of my life.  Now I need to find the truth within myself.  I need to know what I am supposed to be doing with my life.  I need to narrow it down because I have signed on for too much that doesn’t feel like the right fit!

Since I was a little kid, I saw myself living in an old white farmhouse on a quiet farm or land, growing my family’s food, home schooling my children, creating a family business, and married to my one Beloved.  Leading a simple life together as a family. We would have all that we needed because we were together.  My picture of this was so solid as a little girl.  It brought me solace when I felt how chaotic and off-balance my actual childhood home was.  This picture felt so peaceful, so heart-centered, like the priorities were straight.   It gave me comfort that someday I would create this picture.

What happened?  I left home, graduated from university with honors and became a sought-after art teacher in the Atlanta school system.  It was joyous to witness children in their process of creative discovery.  I taught for almost 5 years and loved it, but became disillusioned with “the system” and the politics involved in being what I considered to be a responsible educator.  I began the long process of recovery for incest.  My husband and I moved to Tucson, Arizona to change our lives.  There I was a teacher to developmentally disabled children and adults.  It was somewhat satisfying, but a step removed from my beloved creative process.  I had naturally ruled out teaching school because I was burned out by my experience in Atlanta.  After a couple of years, I was promoted to evaluate adult trainers of the same population I had worked with.  Another two steps removed from my early love, this time from children, and from teaching.  I became a dry expert on how to do a job well.  I couldn’t stand myself.  When I moved to Asheville I wanted to start all over again and go back to my initial vision.  My then 3 year old son and I spent delightful time together awaiting the birth of my second son.  After being in Asheville for one year, tragedy struck and I jumped into working in the non-profit sector.  How many steps removed from my heart was I now?  I’ve lost count.

I have made some strides back towards my heart-centered picture of childhood, especially since the wake-up call of 9-11.  I have a healing practice that allows me to connect with and teach others as well as work on my own healing.  I write, make art and play and compose music.  I have maintained a stubborn conviction to buy and grow organic food.  I’ve canned my crops, made candles and soap, sewn clothes, dowsed earth energies and been trained for years in my early healing interests.

I continue to be informed by my childhood picture, with compromises.  I actually do live in an old white farmhouse on a couple of acres, but it is in city limits on a busy road.  I work with my creativity in my healing practice and my writing, but apart from my family.  I grow organic vegetables and fruit, but haven’t had time lately to devote proper attention to the garden.  I send my children to the best public school in Asheville, but I still feel a gnawing in my belly when I drop them off for the day.  I love my husband dearly, but we don’t have much time or energy for each other at the end of each day.  My heart hurts.  Something is wrong.

I have wondered in the past year as I have felt a growing anxiety what was wrong with me.  I have such a blessed life!   Who am I to complain or to feel that something is missing?   As the summer began, I wondered if I was on the edge of nervous breakdown, or perhaps my midlife crisis (a little early, I hope?)  The vague sense of unease that has been growing in me for years has gotten to the point that I can’t ignore it.  I went on a 7500 miles month-long odyssey in July to the southwest and California with my children in hopes that the change of environment would give me a little perspective.  We saw many places and people and had many adventures.  SO what did the solo-pioneering mom and her two fabulous sons find out on this epic journey?   That the problem is I’m living someone else’s life.

Whose life am I living?  Ask the media.  There is an assumption made on the part of the media/corporate machine that we will trust what is being told to us.  We are fed images and messages of what the perfect family, mother, child, and parent looks like many times a day.  We must be involved in our child’s school to positively affect their learning, we must take our child to a multitude of life enriching classes and activities per week, we must make quality time for our children (in between all those afternoon classes).  We must have a pet, music lessons, and devote time to homework each night.  As a mother, I must be fully available for my children, yet seek time for my own inner balance.  Yoga classes, smoothies, a low-carb diet, and facials will help me regain my inner peace.  But I am also to be fulfilled in my work, fully attentive to my husband and home, keep a cheery attitude and look great while doing it ALL.   How am I supposed to balance all that needs to be balanced?  I think it feels impossible because it is.  I have to make some decisions about what is most important.

If it is true that I am the architect of my life, then where did my design go wrong?  Why the hell did I build this hectic life I’m living?  How often have I said “yes” to something that was not really in the interest of my highest good?  How often have I just gone along with something because other folks wanted me to?  Because I didn’t want to create an inconvenience?  Because I wanted to please others?  How often I have ignored my own inner guidance because it is too risky, too much work to change circumstances, or someone might be unhappy with me?  When it comes to hearing the quiet, wise voice of my inner wisdom when presented with a choice, what’s the difference between “yeah, okay” and “YES, I must ABSOLUTELY do this!”

Sometimes I think I am going crazy; I feel a tension inside as the gulf is widening between the part that I am playing and my inner Self who wants something else from me. Why am I so attached to this part?  Perhaps because there are consequences for relinquishing it.  I was guided last year to step out of my role as PTO President at my children’s school; that in fact it was costing me spiritually.  But did I do it?  Nope, all I could think about was how unhappy folks would be with me if I quit.  I sensed that this guidance was accurate, and felt how miserable I was playing the role, but that wasn’t enough to change my mind.  I would be seen as a quitter; I would make people mad at me; I would be letting folks down.  When I see this, it makes me think that a 3 year old is making these decisions in my life.  An actualized, empowered adult would not worry much about disapproval from others if she were making a decision that felt right to her.  Am I mothering my inner 3 year old?

On a macro scale, we are coming into the Aquarian era.  With this shift, there is huge transformation in the way we fundamentally think about and do things.  It seems that culturally and politically, more and more people are feeling inner stirrings that things just aren’t right as they are.

Am I on the edge of this?  Am I feeling what many others are feeling right now?  We are taught that family and school looks like this, we are trying desperately maintain these dinosaur ways of being, and they don’t work.  We are trying to patch what really needs to be replaced.  Divorce, stress, major life unhappiness happens because folks are so anxious….we feel that something is wrong, but society doesn’t support us changing.

If I decide to follow the soft pointing-of-the-way that my guidance provides, how do I let go of the things I am attached to?  How much will I need to release to change my life?  Is the structure of my life congruent with the architecture principle of “form follows function?”  How might I restructure my life to that it follows my higher function?  For that matter, what is my higher function?  Might I get a clue from the secret whisperings of my heart?  My intention is to find out what my best use is on this planet right now…here it comes…..wait, I can ask the question, but am I really ready for the answer?

My experience tells me that sometimes I must let go of what seems so important so that I can open to the free flow of life energy that will carry me to where I need to go.  May the Highest Good be Served.

 

 

Having come through 2 of the hardest and most growthful years that I can remember, I am seeing things 20/20, of course.  All of the cycles we have been through are making sense.  Here at the wrap-up of the end of 3 seven-year cycles, a shorter 11 year cycle, and even shorter cycles within those larger ones, my animal relations are showing up to show their support, speak their messages and offer their medicine and teachings.

 

It started a few weeks ago when Peter was in California to pick up the RV we’d stored there in March (thinking we would be back).  I awoke early one morning to the sound of a female voice saying “Relations” insistently, and 3 knocks on the wall above my head (the wall is the same my pillows rest on and is an outer wall facing west).  I woke up immediately, knowing there was something special going on.  I wrapped up in my robe and walked outside to the area outside my bedroom.  From that vantage point, I looked to the north and saw 3 pronghorn antelopes clustered together around our well head.  They were all looking at me, as if they had been expecting me.  Now antelope are curious creatures, so they will study you for a bit before moving on (unless you scare them off).  But these three…there was something about the way they stood together there and watched me, as if there were a conversation going on.  I watched them and listened with my heart…there were no words at that point, but a feeling of having been “seen” and “received”.  They began to disperse, and I thanked them for their medicine.  Later, when I sat down in conversation with my inner guidance, I was told that the antelope medicine for me in particular was this:

 

-isolate yourself

-be thick skinned like the antelope-with a thick hide, you can survive in the harshest of conditions and tough times

-don’t be so easily influenced by outside forces

-your psychic awareness is increasing

 

I was interested in this guidance as it pertained easily with our situation here in Del Norte CO.  I set the intention to internalize this “medicine” from my Brothers the 3 bachelor antelope that woke me that morning.  They have subsequently visited many times, hanging around our 40 acres as if to make sure I am getting the message.

 

Then, the following week, early one morning I heard a “screeeeee!!!” outside and ran out to see 3 golden eagles circling over our land. I watched as one of them dive bombed another, screeching….but it all seemed in play, as they flew peacefully off to the north once I watched them for a few minutes, where it appeared that they were joined by a fourth eagle. It is unusual to see eagles flying together, so I took this to be another opportunity to listen for a message.  When I asked my inner guidance what my particular message was from the 3 eagles, I was told:

 

-that eagle is a symbol for divine masculine energy, the will and ability to get things done

-to call on eagle for strength, action, focus, determination and perseverance

-that the lack of energy and confidence I was experiencing would be remedied by the “masculine” energy of eagle

 

I chose to internalize this medicine as well, and found that I reached out and asked 40 women to pray for me for these qualities.  It worked!  My energy took off, and my ability to stay focused rather than confused and lethargic was remarkably different.  I also sought the counsel of a lovely Ute medicine man, who assisted me in bringing insight to an outstanding issue and balancing our land.  His piece of the puzzle proved to be very important.

 

By this time, I became intrigued with the consistent number THREE that was showing up.  I have always loved the number three, and according to numerologists, 3 is my “life path number”.  I did some research and found that the number 3 is associated with:

 

-the Trinity (interpreted in many ways-Body, Mind Spirit/Masculine, Feminine, Divine Union/beginning, middle, end/birth, life, death)

-3-D world, physical manifestation

-movement and ability to overcome duality

-creativity, growth, synthesis

-completion of a cycle

 

My youngest son wondered aloud what the next set of three would be…he intuited that there was a third chapter to the story.  And there was!  As I have been busy watching for the third set of 3, they were right under my nose the whole time.  

 

We experienced owning a hot tub for the first time in our lives here at our home in CO.  Our favorite times to steep in the hot brew are in the dark of night, when the Milky Way is so intense it feels smothering, and the early morning with our tea, when it is a very active time for the birds. 

 

At the edge of the patio, about 30 feet from the hot tub, are two bluebird houses.  They are inhabited by the bluebirds in early spring, who raise their babies then move to the gutters of the house.  Then the summer tenants of swallows move in to raise their young.  We watch with interest as the transition takes place.  There is much squabbling and flitting about, but eventually there is coexistence.

 

But there was something special about it this year.  Perhaps it was because of the forced stillness of my ankle injury, perhaps because it was just the right time….but I noticed the birds behavior with more interest.  The bluebirds alit outside my kitchen window and, head cocked, peered in with a seeming purpose at me while I cooked or washed at the sink.  The swallows circled repeatedly over my head while in the hot tub with equal intentionality, as if they were trying to get my attention.  I noticed, but I was looking for something “more grand” or unusual for the last chapter of three.  Would it be a trio of elk, or a bobcat family, or elegant hawks? 

 

It finally dawned on me today as I walked toward the north on our property; three bluebirds, a mother, father and fledgling child came from behind me from their perch on my house and alit in an olive tree directly in front of me.  I stopped and watched them; I felt an invitation to expansion in my heart.  OH!  I can be a bit thick at times, such an introvert that I am wrapped, fascinated, in my inner thoughts, and will sometimes miss the obvious in the “outer world”.  Suddenly, I saw the 3 swallows that had been flying around my head for days in my mind, replayed the mornings of watching the swallows feed their babies in the houses and the first one emerge victorious, calling out as it flew for its first time, flying gloriously with its parents. 3 bluebirds, 3 swallows.

 

Helllllloooooo… it is these common, “every day” creatures that are the final message of grace for my ending of this cycle in my life.  I sat this morning with my inner guidance after pulling information about these sweet birds, and this is what I was told applied to me:

 

-swallows migrate for thousands of miles to always return home safely and are a symbol of constancy, faith and fidelity

-bluebirds are associated with happiness, rebirth, and prosperity and are a sign of goodness in the future

-bluebirds and swallows both have associations with home, hearth, and love and loyalty to the family

-bluebirds and swallows are both ancient symbols of spring, hope, resurrection and new life

 

And the REAL kicker:

 

-swallows and bluebirds are interchangeably associated as a frequent motif for tattoos on sailors.  It was said that after a journey of 5000 sea miles, a sailor earned a swallow or bluebird tattoo on one side of his chest, and another at the completion of another 5000 or more miles.  They were a harbinger of land being near, of a long journey coming to an end…

 

I am almost in tears as I write this.  The amount of support and love I am being given at this time of completion of this cycle in my life is almost overwhelming.  And it is also affirming of how connected we are if we but allow ourselves to be.  I am so grateful to All of Life, all of my relations, whether winged or two, four and no-legged, for their reflection that I am loved, and that all is well.

I have had the delight recently of being reminded of my connection to the All That Is through the visitations of several of the two and four legged family.  (Wow, when was the last time I said I was DELIGHTED about something?  It has been a long time!)  These visitations are nothing short of miraculous to me, and a wonderful 3-D reminder that I am part of the fabric of All Creation, and that that fabric supports me….all that falls to me is to pay attention.

 

I have been a devotee of symbolism ever since I learned in my AP English classes in high school that there was a name for “something having deeper meaning than what was apparent”.  I have been having conversation with the energy of …everything… ever since I can remember, and could feel that there was wisdom to be gained from listening and acknowledging universal intelligence in its many faces.  But it’s called symbolism?  Wow, what a lark that this was a recognized phenomenon!  I have subsequently studied symbolism for years, delighting (there’s that word again!) in Jungian psychology, mythology, Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ works, and the medicine of animals, plants and all of nature.  I now see everything as a symbol, as a message from the All That Is, as a connection to a deeper meaning that can be interpreted particular to me and my situation.

 

It was with delight (okay I have said it 3 times) that I recently stumbled upon Avia Venefica, a woman after my own heart.  Fiercely devoted to symbolism and an accomplished writer, she publishes 3 lovely blogs that are practical and grounded yet deeply honoring of the spiritual and symbolic connections of All Creation.  Her presence in the world gives me joy and strength; a sister from across the pond, my world has grown and become more “right” because of her clear-eyed wisdom (dare I say she’s delightful?)  I have found some helpful answers lately in her work; I highly recommend her symbolism blog.

 

More to follow about the animals that have come to offer their messages to me in the last weeks.

 

 

 

However, there is an even larger cycle in our lives that has become apparent.  Peter shared with me a few days ago his realization that we have come to the end of a 21 year cycle, 3 seven-year chapters, which began when I made the choice to wake up from my slumber and go into recovery work to heal.  This choice changed life utterly for many people.

It was in 1988 when I was 23 years old and Peter and I were about to be married that we were living with his parents at their property in Suwannee GA.  At that time, I became very depressed and wondered why.  It turns out that being in the immersion of Peter’s family invited my old family dynamics to come forward within me.  (Folks that read my writing know that I am an abuse survivor, sexual, emotional, and physical primarily.)  I made a choice to enter therapy to discover why I did not want to be on the earth any longer.  It was a hard decision to confront my beliefs about myself and my biological family at that time, and to turn them upside down and look them over critically to see if they were indeed true.  I’m grateful that I had the strength and insight to choose this path many years before I had my own children.  The desire to break the cycles of abuse and to NOT pass on the illness that was passed on to me was a primary motivator.  However, in the end, it was a decision to honor myself, no matter what hell may come as a result.

Hell did come…when I confronted my father by certified mail, he did not respond at all; nine years later, I called him to have a truth-telling at the top of the mountain because I realized I was stronger and more courageous than he was.  He couldn’t hurt me any more.  When I told my mother, she slurred her words in her usual drunken stupor, and accused me of ”always being warped”, despite my reputation for having the best memory in the family.  After that lesson, I chose not to speak with her unless it was in the early part of the day before she started drinking.  My sister hoped it was “all a misunderstanding”, and shared with my brother the hope that our family could reunite and be happy together despite the years of affairs, drunkenness, unhappiness and divorce, the definition of sheer insanity to me.  It was a rough time for me, the lone truth-teller.  I have been blamed, called names, been seen as “making conflict for conflict’s sake”, and otherwise rejected.  Subject to the projections of my biological family, I had no one except my helping professionals and my beloved husband to feel truly safe with.

Over these 21 years of reclaiming my life, my mind, my body, my spirit and my center, I have gotten clearer and clearer that I am not to blame.  The mantles of shame and projection have become more obvious as others’ issues rather than mine.  I have been less willing to take them on, less willing to carry the burden of other people’s unconsciousness.  The more I have reclaimed myself, the stronger my voice has become, and the more I have attracted others, women in particular, who share or find strength and solace in my story.  It is one of the obvious tenets of an abusive family to keep the secrets….to not tell, to not share the story, to keep it under wraps of darkness.  But the only way the cycle can stop is if we talk about it, regardless of the threats or entreaties to cease.  No, mom, I won’t be quiet….I won’t stop talking.

There is goodness in this…some sweetness after all the years of pain to hear another woman say “Thank you for telling your story, because it gave me permission to tell mine.”  Whatever wisdom I offer has been hard won.

Now, something has happened in these last months within me…some immense shift of knowing, an awareness of my strength, a vision of a light within me like a beacon….it is getting stronger, and I feel I am finally beginning to become what I was meant to become.  What I offer to the world, what I am meant to express, how I am to walk in a way that is in integrity with my soul and spirit…it is coming forward at an ever faster pace.  After all the years in the mud and darkness of putting my pieces back together, suddenly it is time to be Whole.  The process has been nothing short of remarkable, and is speeding up each day, it seems.  It appears to be coinciding with our departure of our quiet sanctuary into a larger world, as well as the outer world’s intense changes as if there is a larger knowing coming to fruition as well.  The work that our family has done these 11 years will be needed in the world.  And the work I have done these last 21 years will also be needed in the world.  When we arrive in Tallahassee, I have a sense that we will need to hit the ground running.

(As a result, I will be creating a new blog attached to my professional website.  My professional writing website as well as services for clients will also be evolving.  Keep an eye out…my sabbatical is over!)

The pendulum has swung…the years of intense devotion to our inner life have been rich and fed our souls; we have drunk at the wellspring of our spirits and been filled to the brim with goodness and wisdom.  New outer life, new expressions, new invitations, new opportunities.  Now it is time to balance the years of inward motion with expression in the outer world, to take what we have learned and live our lives. 

 

When my beloved family of four began our traveling and inner search for our “family heart” in 2003, I thought it was something new for us.  We had certainly never done anything like what we did before…leaving behind all of society and its demands and obligations, a completely selfish and enclosed journey into our own processes, and permission to allow that to unfold on its own time, despite pressures from the outside world to interrupt or end it.  It was a remarkable period of years, to be sure. 

 

Lately as the old world seems to be falling apart and our own family has been going through intense inner change, I have been reflecting on the cycles that nature brings as well as the more subtle energetic cycles that seem to be universal indications of a larger order. 

 

I see now how these last few years while my family tried to make Del Norte, Colorado our home were a time of “landing” after being mobile for a few years, of integration into the outer world after being so internal during our RV trip.  It was a perfect place to land, a perfect place to slowly make our way outward from that inner chamber of our family and individual hearts.  It has been quiet, a blissful sanctuary of nature, and a testing ground for trusting our inner guidance, something we worked keenly toward during our family journey. 

 

Now that we are leaving our beloved San Luis Valley, with its high windswept plains and 14,000 ft. rocky peaks, we are aware that this kind of quiet is not something that we will find in many places.  We are sad to leave behind our sweet 40 acre homestead that we have put so much work into.  We are aware that this place has provided a womb of sorts for our further evolution and expansion into the rest of our lives.

 

We leave for our new life (and it does feel that way, brand spanking new, almost can see the shiny packaging and big red bow around it!) around the full moon of August, a great time to come to fullness and completion with a phase in one’s life and to honor all that has been.  The timing just happened to work out that way, and I shouldn’t be surprised.  The more I have intended to align with the natural cycles of earth and the universe, the more in tandem my actions have been and the more supported I am by that larger energy wave.

 

I was reflecting on these years of change, thinking that our family was coming to the end of a 6 year cycle since we left Asheville for the Big Trip when I was corrected by my angelic friends.  They told me that we were actually coming to the end of an 11 year cycle.  Really?  I thought about this, counting backwards from 2009 to 1998, and realized that this was true. 

 

It was in 1998 that Peter and I had construct shattering experiences in our lives that cracked us open to our larger Selves, what some would call spiritual awareness.  It was that year that we bought our “dream house”, Pete was subsequently released from his position with a mortgage company, and I met my first true spiritual teacher.  It was a year in which we jumped on the fast moving treadmill of spiritual growth.

 

Ah, now the 11 year cycle comment makes sense.  If I were to reflect on the last 11 years of my life and of my family’s life, we have clearly been on the fast track to our Authentic Selves.  As if a great horn sounded, we were called by our souls to line up, and the universe came together in quick order to support us in so many remarkable experiences and learnings.  It boggles the mind. 

 

I have heard others talk about 7 year cycles in their lives….perhaps that is true.  But I was reminded by my angelic friends not to make too much of the number eleven, or any number for that matter…what is more pertinent is the essence of this sea change.  What has been accomplished over these 11 years is nothing short of a brand new life.