"Motion", collage by Licia Berry 2010 copyright

A favorite poem, something to remind all of us how amazing we are…

“Invictus”

Out of the night that covers me,

Receiving, collage by Licia Berry, 2010

Sunday, July the 11^th is the new moon and total solar eclipse.  I hear from astrologer friends it is going to be a big one; this is confirmed by my invisible friends.  It is a new moon in Cancer, a water sign, involving family, relationships, feelings and the Sacred Feminine. 

For weeks preceding this event, I have been coming into wonderful alignment within, marveling at the information Consciousness is bringing through me for the book on Sacred Union and feeling great love for and connection with my husband after a time of challenge. It is blissful.

A couple of days before the event, I start to feel a little tension inside, a feeling of being a little less in the flow.  Fits and starts.

Sunday I ask for suggestions about how to work with the energy the most effectively, and am told to align with the energy of the eclipse, and do.  I feel the push to focus on what I want in my life, what new energy I want to bring in.  I do this.  I think about healing and love in my relationship with Peter, success and fulfillment in my work, joy with my children, healing and love for the waters and the world.   Ease and flow in my life.

We watch the world cup final and it is full of contention and conflict as one team plays dirty.  The other team, the better soccer players, win the tournament.  The octopus is right again.  Pete says 4 billion people are watching this game; it is amazing to be part of something that so many in the collective are involved in at the same time.  We bring thoughts of healing the gulf waters into this mix at this time.  I feel the beginning of a deep wave within me start to build momentum that night.

Monday, July the 12^th:  I awaken with a very sore jaw; I have been grinding my back teeth again, hard.  I feel odd, a little separate from my body.  I know this feeling; it is the feeling of something being “up” in my energy field.

I have immense release of grief and outdated energy dealing with feelings of unworthiness in the studio.  Very, very painful, racking sobs ripping from my heart, holding my head.  I am stunned by the depth of this wound, the message that I am bad, unworthy of love, a waste of space, a bother, etc.  This goes back too far for me to remember the origin of it, prior to age 2. I realize that all of my life I have been trying to prove that wrong while secretly believing it.  At times, it has felt like trying to hold back the tide with my finger in the dyke, and today I have to give in to the pain of this internalized feeling about myself.  It is what I have tried to hold myself above forever, the thing I would not let myself feel.

July 13^th:   I am very scattered in my energy, have trouble hearing intuitively when it is usually so easy.  Trying to do work is almost impossible.  I give up and ask what is going on, and am told that major energy movement has occurred in my system due to the release and that I am re-making myself.  The falling apart in order to be put back together in a new, improved way.  It feels like chaos.  I choose to be very easy on myself for the rest of the day.

July 14^th:  Awaken with sore jaw again, but feeling more “together”, as if the parts that were scattered about yesterday have come into a more seamless alignment.  I have profound awareness of and write about the imbalanced masculine within me and its efforts to prove wrong that I am unworthy through competitive behavior, seeking outer approval from the world, the pushing drive to be seen and be shown through physical evidence that I am loved. I see a tough little boy with his arms crossed and a defensive, protective scowl on his face. 

My inner masculine is so concerned about the outcome; he has a feeling of panic for his survival –All about the outer drive to succeed, to “make it”, to get the outcome, rather than the focus of being in the moment and revealing the message that is truth in my heart.  He is my internalized father, the one who pushes and forces, rather than acts in accordance with the feminine’s knowing.

I have made out-of-balance decisions from this place; this has led to things occurring that did not serve me in the end.  I have made some choices through this filter that had unpleasant consequences, such as pushing my divine timing.  I cry with grateful tears for this knowing, and wrap this wounded inner masculine up with Great Mothers arms within.  He needs love so much.  I rock him.  Hush, child…..heal, child.  Shhhhh.  In the feelings of being safe in the arms of the Sacred Feminine, my imbalanced inner masculine calms; he lets go of the need to prove himself as worthy.  Suddenly it doesn’t matter if I am successful, known, recognized, famous, fulfilling my purpose by reaching lots of people, etc.  I am overcome with feelings of love and connection.

As I drive to the studio, I have trouble focusing on the act of operating the car because I am having distinct sensations of being All That Is, the knowing of the truth of this, that I could say “Wake Up, Dreamer” and I, along with all of physical reality, would cease to exist. A feeling of death approaching, or the end of some existence….the threshold is close.  Looking back on my life as if it were a story or a dream, with fondness.  It is all okay.

July 15^th:  Another awareness of the pain in my life as a great teacher, including this year with a girlfriend that has triggered feelings of betrayal (this has happened over and over in my life).  Again as I am driving to the studio, I thank her out loud for being a teacher, for she has brought to my attention my core mother wound; she has been of service in this way.  I set the intention to heal my core mother wound from the inside out.  Perhaps she and I have helped each other with this mother stuff.  Interestingly, I am also guided to set intentions around receiving from the universe. 

Also very thankful for those who came into my life not bearing pain, but love and acceptance…I have learned and am learning much from them, as well.  I think I am moving towards learning in that way as much if not more than in the painful way. Maybe it doesn’t always have to be painful to learn.

I must be one powerful, big Being to have signed one for so many lessons in this life!  I’m smiling as I write this, feeling appreciation for myself and a sense of humor about it all.  I guess it’s true I like to learn.

I’m aware that the collective energy has been very intense these last weeks and days, but that every one has a different journey.  I do feel there is a common thread, though; I think it’s that we are being grown, being brought into more and more integrity with our true nature, being “pruned” of the things that aren’t in alignment with our authentic soul and expression.  If I allow this, open to it, flow with it, I find this kind of support to be a beautiful expression of how All Creation loves me with the tenderest of hearts.  It feels like coming Home.

I debuted my art show last night, “The Journey of the Masculine through Shadow and Light” at my studio here in Tallahassee.  A part of the installation was a story that I channeled that morning and printed up, placing it underneath the 50 images that comprised this show.  I believe I was guided to make this art and to bring through this story in order to create a book.  However, I want to share The Story with you now. 

“Once upon a time, there was peace. 

The Masculine principle desired to expand its knowing of itself.  It began by making choices; these choices compressed All of Creation, towards the end of the Masculine knowing itself. 

The compressions resulted in the Masculine principle fracturing the world.  Manifestations included the subjugation of nature and the Masculine principle’s partner, the Feminine. 

In coming to know itself, the Masculine revealed the need for balance. 

All of Creation supported, in love, the Masculine’s desire to know itself.  All of Creation was in agreement with the expressions of the out-of-balance world that the Masculine created.  So, when the time came to correct the imbalance, the Feminine stepped in to bring balance. 

The Feminine principle held the space within which the Masculine began to mend the fractures.  The Feminine invoked the powers of balance to assist in the mending.  The return created a stirring in the hearts of humankind, which opened a door to a side of themselves they had forgotten. 

The return of the Feminine created a choice – to continue in the imbalance, or to embrace a new wholeness.  The choice became more and more apparent as the worlds collided; friction, the result of two coming together to become one, was the medium to invoke the choice. 

The friction became so prevalent as to capture All of Creation’s interest.  Spectators and supporters attended the Great Re-Balancing; across the farthest reaches The Story was felt and held.  The love that emanated from All Creation provided an alchemical support which increased the intensity of the friction. 

The increased friction acted like sandpaper, destroying old patterns.  Cleansing and re-ordering became the way of life.  The new wholeness was achieved through the union of the Feminine and the Masculine principles. 

Balance again reigned.”

What was interesting to me was that this channeled story has a happy ending, as if from a larger perspective, all of the pain and suffering that has resulted from the break between the masculine and feminine were just part of the “play”, and that in the end it really is just experience. 

However, the 50 images I was guided to create tell a different story…in graphic detail, I was shown over and over the fracturing and the pain and subjugation mentioned in The Story, yet there was no happy ending in the 50 images.  I was told that the human version of the story is told by the images, and that we’re not at the end yet.

I was so grateful for the considered questions and responses that folks had.   One man whispered quietly to me, “Thank you for not blaming the men for everything.”  It broke my heart, and made me glad I have access to another version of the story.

A flood of work is coming through me, and it seems to be very much in examination of the dynamic between the feminine and the masculine, both within each of us and in the collective whole.  I am beginning to see that part of my soul’s desire on the earth is to bring healing to the masculine through the embodiment of the Sacred Feminine.  I am brought to tears with this knowing. 

all contents copyright Licia Berry, 2010

She's Coming...collage by Licia Berry, 2010

When I made this piece last month (click on the image above to see larger), I was utterly fascinated by it.  Utilizing an old advertisement for “The 50 Ft. Woman” film, I cut carefully around this epic female and placed her in the remote and rocky landscape of the Four Corners area of the American southwest, one of my old stomping grounds.

What has surprised me is how captivated I still am.  When I look at this image, I feel excitement, expectancy, recognition.  I feel it in my body. 

I have walked the ground in this place.  I lived in the southwest for 10 out of my 45 years, enough to get a feel for the magic and history and intensity of this area of our country.  The openness of the skies feels like a direct connection to spirit; the color of the ground and rocks are like an artist’s canvas (have you ever seen pink and purple dirt before?); the quality of light in the dry air makes everything so clear.  There is nothing like it.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I live there for more of my remaining time on the planet; it gets in your blood and in your mind, and calls to you when you are away.

So when this immense woman wanted to be placed in this sacred location, I wasn’t too surprised; what HAS me rapt is the story that is unfolding in my consciousness through this image.

I’ve known for some time (eons?) that the Sacred Feminine enjoyed Her place in the sun on this earth thousands of years ago, then needed to go underground as human consciousness explored the imbalance of power of the immature masculine.  The whispering of this tale started as I began to have children; the keys in my own body began to unlock this ancient knowing as I felt Her awaken.  The awareness has continued to hit home in more conscious ways as I grow older and more trusting of my body and its messages to me.  

I have also learned in my shamanic and inner process work that the rocks of the earth are very much like the bones of the body; they hold memory in their dense structures.  The stone, whether it is on the surface or deep under the gaze of our eyes underground, retains the knowing of what has transpired here.  In indigenous knowing, the “rock people” are said to speak to those who will listen.  I’ve been listening to the rocks for some years now.  They speak slowly, and they are wise.  They are some of my most trusted elders.

This is what has been whispered to me: from the lore of old, a primeval tale begins to spin from the weaver’s web.  The ancient story goes: She of the earth, and the body and the feminine ways of knowing, She-the other half of existence- retreated to the far, remote places due to the imbalance that human consciousness explored.  It wasn’t safe to express Her; many, many lives were lost to drive home the point that She was not wanted any longer.  

And so, She became of the rocks and earth again, She backed away, retreating to the subconscious, a distant memory that has almost faded to nothingness.  And She waited.  Buried under the ground, buried in the depths of the black void of the earth, buried in the cells of our bodies and the collective mind.  Until there were enough of us to hold Her memory again, to bring Her back to life on this earth, to embody Her consciousness again and bring the earth into balance. 

I look at this image and I feel Her eyes open, the crust of sleep falling as pebbles from her eyelashes.  While the ravens caw and circle overhead, I feel Her stiff body disengage from the womb of earth that held Her tenderly and securely while She slept.  While the mountain lion gazes comfortably from its rocky perch, I feel Her stretch under the power of the enlivening sun, the kiss of Great Father, who blesses, welcomes and heralds Her return.  And I feel her intent as She strides across the vast desert floor, the weight of Her immense body shaking the very ground as She walks.  She has a date with the people of earth.

This image, born of my own subconscious, tells me that She is re-born out of memory, and into waking life.  She of the earth, the rocks, cradled while She went to sleep (out of necessity), has been awakened and has re-emerged in humanity’s consciousness.  And She’s coming.

So how do we joyfully surrender to loving ourselves unconditionally?

The quickest path to self love that I know is to decide it.  What I mean by that is to consciously choose to love myself.  One of the intentions I speak every day is “I choose to love my self unconditionally, and I ask my angel team to help me do that.”  Then I follow up with choices that support that intention, such as being kind to myself in little ways, smiling into my eyes in the mirror, and laughing.  For example, when faced with a choice to watch a scary movie or a funny one, I ask myself “which is more loving to me in this moment?” and most often I choose the funny one.  I feel better after laughing than I do after jumping out of my skin!

I also take myself out on “dates”.  I insist on alone time because it helps to ground and center me (this can be challenging as a member of a family of four!)  And I have begun to “court” myself…..I wear things that make my body feel good or that make me feel sexy, like something soft or with a plunging neckline, maybe pick out some extra-fancy jewelry (instead of my usual practical kind) and then I look in the mirror and say ”Ooooh baby, you are looking good tonight!”  Just the other night I was in the hot tub with my husband and surprised myself totally by kissing myself on the shoulder.  Out of nowhere!  It was completely unconscious!  I guess those self-love messages are really getting through!  I crack myself up.

I have heard that Queen Latifah made a promise to herself that she would not marry anyone until she married herself first.  She had very positive and strong female role models when she was growing up and therefore had the reflection of loving eyes and sweet encouragement.  She knows she is precious.  She loves herself so much that she bought herself a wedding ring and put it on her right ring finger, a symbol of how she chose to wed herself before wedding any other.  WOW.  Unapologetic, passionate, fierce devotion to self.  Can’t mess with that!

When you think about it, on this earth we are all we’ve got. Yes, for a time we may have a beloved in a relationship, or children to dote on, or friends to laugh with, but we know that things change and that we are left with our own precious self in the end.  Therefore, speaking practically, it is a good investment to start loving yourself NOW!

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”

-Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900

What does Self-Love mean?

Does it mean you get to eat ice cream every night just because you want it?  Well, sure, as long as you love the possible consequences of that choice!  Sometimes the choices we make are out of a place of NOT loving ourselves.  Are you making choices out of self love or self loathing?

Just as a lack of self-love has a vibration, so does unconditional self-love. It has a quiet, steady radiance which draws others to its light.  I define self-love as a deeper, quieter love; that you hold yourself in the way you would hold a baby or your sweetest lover…so tenderly.  And this is because you realize that you truly are a Child of the Universe, and the Lover of the Sacred.

And we aren’t talking halfway here!  Unconditional love is true love, love without limitations, conditions, or reservations.  This means loving ALL aspects of yourself, not just the ones that are “nice”, or more “spiritual”, or “attractive”.  You learn to love every aspect of yourself, even the ones you might think of as “negative”.  The universe is full of the balance of positive/negative, dark/light, up/down, hot/cold…..it is the nature of things to have balance, and all things that exist are here for a reason, including all of the aspects of YOU.  Any unloved aspects of the self will cry out for love in ways that can keep you bound to the inner and outer drama.

But if we aren’t taught to love ourselves, how do we begin to turn the tide and feel genuine caring for all parts of ourselves?  Self-love doesn’t happen by luck or the grace of God. You have to choose to create it. Some things that I choose to remember are:

* Knowing that I am more than my physical body…I am very clear that I am an infinite being who chose to come here for the fabulous experience of playing and creating in physical reality.  I love my physical existence and the opportunity to be here in this life.

* Knowing I am a powerful co-creator.  I have the power to choose, and this power is both the greatest responsibility I have and the greatest opportunity.

* Knowing that I am always in process and always becoming.  I honor where I am in my process without judgment.

* Knowing that my feelings are powerful indicators of what I am creating, and therefore valuable information.  I treasure my feelings and I respond to them with reverence.   They are indeed part of my inner guidance system.  I honor my feelings and act from them, even if it means setting a limit with someone or saying “no”.

 Part 3 tomorrow…A SELF-LOVE Ritual

“I don’t like myself, I’m CRAZY about myself!”

-Mae West, 1892-1980

I wonder what the world would be like if we all felt this way?  If we could all say genuinely, without reservation, “I am crazy about myself!”

If you are one of the fortunate people who already understand and implement the powerful choice to love yourself and enjoy the vast benefits, then you are ahead of most of humanity on the learning curve.

But many of us recoil in horror at the thought.  “That would be egotistical!” “I would be embarrassed to say that.”  Or, “That would be selfish and arrogant!”  We were certainly not taught to love ourselves; in fact most of us were taught to put love of others over love of ourselves, and this is why we see the pain that is prevalent.  It is truly not possible to love others from a place of non-love for self.  If everyone loved themselves, it would be a very different world.

What if I were to challenge that voice inside that rejects the idea of self love by saying that the universe is literally made of love?  Do you doubt it?  What other force but love could explain the sheer generosity that made everything?  What other force but love could cause the grass to grow effortlessly, and the sun to shine every day, and the infinite diversity of consciousness that sprawls all over the universe?  You are Source energy!  How is it possible that you could be unlovable?  Grass does not doubt itself and slump over, refusing to grow, and a flower does not feel self loathing and decide it is not worthy to shine its face to the sun.  All there is….is love….or the rejection of it.  How are you rejecting love in your life?  What better place to start to see love in the world than inside ourselves?  How could we possibly have any effective measure of influence on the love in the world if we don’t love ourselves first?

And what if I were to take that a step further and tell you that to truly love everyone else, you MUST take care of yourself first, otherwise you have nothing to give?  I love the quote from Esther Hicks when she channeled Abraham:

“Be ultimately selfless in being ultimately selfish by saying that I care so much about you that I will insist on being in my place of utter connection so that I have something to give you…..because if I do not tend to that, I do not have anything to give you, and if I do tend to that, then I have everything to give you.”

Part 2 tomorrow…So how do we joyfully surrender to loving ourselves unconditionally?

pricking the crusty scab over the wound in my heart…letting it bleed

I must…there is no alternative if I want to be an alive, pliable, feeling human being

a moment’s courage to stick the needle of my consciousness in

please, hold my hand, Greater Self

and it’s done.  see, it only hurt for a moment

~

ahhh, the relief of letting it flow

the cleansing tears, the exorcizing of little demons in the dark corners of my psyche

the ones that have held court, whispering lies into my ears,

stringing nets and springing traps

grabbed up by the rush of cleansing waters from the genuine soul

lifted by the torrent of feeling, they are exposed and expunged through the grand golden portal of my heart

poured out onto the stones at my feet where they flip and writhe

I feel awe and compassion as I watch them dissolve in the light of the sun

The little boy I picked up in the labyrinth (http://liciaberry.com/blog/2009/11/10/the-boy-in-the-labyrinth/) is beginning to stir now…he has more life in him, whereas he did not seem to inhabit his body very much before.  I feel he is a personification of my power.  I am healing my power as well as exploring what authentic power looks like for myself.  As I do this, I predict I will see this little boy grow into an actualized man.  And that I will feel comfortable and confident in the world, a genuine soul expressing their authentic power, informed by the Sacred Feminine in her power.

In recent weeks, I have felt such outrage and despair about the plight of women and children who are preyed upon by those who would use their power to dominate them.  So many stories of rape and murder; it is so heinous to me.  I was worried about myself because some modern “spiritual” folk say that anger is a bad thing to feel and it “takes your vibe down”.  I find myself wanting to fight them, which of course means I am fighting a part of myself that wants to gloss over the feelings and pretend everything is okay.  I also don’t want to be one dimensional, the angry feminist who drives folks away by her intensity and ire.

But I chose to trust my body and emotions as a message to me that there was something wrong, and I let it take me down a path.  Trusting, trusting.  As I allowed my anger and expressed it in my writing and conversations, it took me to a new place. 

I saw a purple matrix on a field of black, or a Great Web, and heard “Mending the Web”, over and over, for days and now weeks.  I saw that it would be fairly simple to continue down the angry path, let it fuel itself continuously, and break the web by posting and publishing angry thoughts. 

But then I saw that it is “women’s work” to heal, to mend the breaks in the web that out-of-balance folks cut.  I understood that my original desire in the world was to heal, and that has been the case until I got angrier and harder in my heart, wanting to be acknowledged for being right and for being victimized.  It is such a tricky thing to stay on that tightrope of balanced, righteous anger that needs to be felt and expressed, or falling over into letting it consume you, become who you are.  Letting ourselves be human when we have studied spirituality can be a tricky game to play with ourselves.

As I continued with some trepidation down this path into greater room and understanding, I also saw that women who are empowered (and me) are strong enough to be the big ones, the ones who will take the first step and reach out our hands to do the mending.  Just as many wise and respected feminists have said, it is the women who must lead the coming awareness and shift in consciousness to balance.  Quietly, perhaps in some ways…..but that it is up to us to start the healing of this world. 

Spider Woman, by Susan Seddon Boulet

Then, I saw and heard “healing the masculine”.  Ah, is it not enough to heal ourselves as women, and the damage done to us at the hands of the outrageously immature masculine without (and our internalized fathers and immature masculine within)?  Perhaps we may be called to turn and heal those who have trespassed against us. 

Well, I don’t know how this will work…I sure don’t want to get in a conversation with my father and attempt to “heal” him.  I already know he doesn’t want to do that in ways that I consider healthy for him.  But, maybe by healing my own inner masculine, helping my inner masculine to grow up in a healthy balanced way, with a mature inner feminine to help him, there may be hope.

Family constellation work has shown me that there is no such thing as space and time…that healing can occur for all involved when all the factors are present.  Perhaps if I heal and mature my own inner masculine, my father in some way is released from his own pain, and healing can happen for him (and others).

But first, I must peel back the face I have placed on him, the veneer of goodness, the stories of heroism that I have projected onto him, and believed.  I must see what is underneath.  Better get out the drills, hammers and chisels.  It’s time for the idealized father to die.

And in the last few months, another voice has been respectfully poking its head into my consciousness.  It feels pointed, focused, exacting, harder than the quality of energy I experience with Great Mother or the Sacred Feminine.  It is absent entirely unless I give it permission to enter my space, and then it comes in with a full force of presence, taking up room.  To my great surprise, I am told it is the voice of Great Father.

Well, it is true that I have on obsession with balance.  I know that my soul has a sense of humor because that is my maiden name.  Balance is the closest thing to a religion I could say I have.  Balance is the way of the universe, the way of nature, the way of the middle road.  I respect and want to emulate balance very much, because I believe that is the natural way that things are, and I want to be as close to that as I possibly can.

Masculine/feminine balance is also part of that duality that we see played out in physical form.  Notice I did not say men and women, but masculine and feminine, qualities of energy that play at opposite ends of a spectrum, holding the space for physicality to occur through the magnetic polarity of opposites.  This is how all physical matter is able to be in existence.

So it would make some sense that my focus on the Sacred Feminine would be so successful…that I would feel Her, embody Her, teach others how to awaken that pathway within themselves…and that would lead me to Him, the Divine Masculine.  From the strength of Her, I will come to know Him.

More to come about my resistance to the masculine, the work I am doing to remove the veneer of my internalized father from the face of the Great Father, and the success I have had recently in my new relationship with Him.

Soul Surrender, collage by Licia Berry, 2008

“Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual”. - Octavio Paz

I’ve been known as an independent and willful person since I was very young; one of the most pervasive images I have been given of my own toddlerhood is of me sticking my chin out and saying “I want to do it myself”.  These days we call that a “spirited child”, and know better than to think of these qualities as “bad”, or that the child is trying to be a trouble maker.

That stick-to-it-iveness has gotten me through some tough times, and so I am thankful that it has been a part of my being.  It was a way to prop myself up when there wasn’t anyone on the outside holding me up.

Over the years, though, I noticed that there were times that called for a softer touch, a more melting center.  When I began to consciously look at my own spirit nature, it seemed that there was something larger within that was asking me to surrender.

Surrender?  Not me.

When I heard the word surrender, I thought of waving the white flag.  I thought of giving up.  I thought of being wrong and “I have failed in my efforts”.  But this is not what my Spirit thinks.

Surrender, according to my conversations with my wise inner voice, is the act of allowing myself to become one with the greater Whole, or Love.  It is laying down arms, letting go my need to be separate, merging once again with the larger flow of life.

This has felt like a safe way to conceptualize surrender to me.  I don’t trust others enough (most of the time) to surrender myself to them or their agenda, but I DO trust Spirit enough to surrender IN it.  Sometimes Spirit will ask me to surrender, and I will go kicking and screaming down the lane, but when I stop and realize it is only Love that wants to claim me, I stop fighting and it is such a relief.

But it is a choice!  I know from hard won experience that I can choose to stay closed off in my little box because it feels safer to me.  Sometimes I have been right to do that because conditions outside my little environment were NOT safe.  But other times, I have missed out on some good stuff because I was so busy defending myself or hanging on to an old way of being that no longer served me.

So the Octavio Paz quote above has special meaning to me.  Love cannot penetrate me, nor can I wake up to the fact that Love is actually the core of what I am, unless I am willing to open and soften and let it be.