Posts Tagged ‘inner child’

originally published on www.liciaberry.com 5-22-07

Self Love and Self Worth

My personal healing process of late seems to be taking me to the old wound of being unloving towards myself and feeling unworthy.  I am asked with some frequency (although not as much anymore) if we ever overcome these old wounds; well, the answer is yes and no.  From an evolutionary standpoint, each time we face an issue and do a bit of healing on it, it gets a bit better, and we move on until we hit it again on our spiral walk. At that point, we have yet another opportunity to do some more healing on it, and the process continues.  Yes, there are some things that I have released to the point I never think about them or see them in my life; they seem not to exist anymore.  And I do believe that something can be healed (whether it is physical, emotional, mental or spiritual, it is still all energy) in an instant if all the right factors are lined up.

However, old and deep “wounds” such as feeling unloved or unworthy are more challenging.  I do revisit them on occasion, and each time I get closer to my core pain.  It is an act of self love and courage to go into that pain.  It is an act of self mastery to choose to heal it and not be pulled into its heavy gravitational field!

Another point of view is the one I tap into daily-the aspects of ALL Creation that I know as angelic.  What they say is that all of this forgetting our bliss and then remembering it is like a grand game of hide and seek, and at a spiritual level, it is considered FUN.  That even though our ego may be in pain, at another sphere of our being, we are laughing our butts off.  I think it is a grand punch line that when we merge back into non-physical, the first thing we do is laugh at how we thought we were supposed to suffer while living as a human!  Imagine, all that time spent being unhappy, thinking we aren’t perfect just the way we are….when all we came here to do was to enjoy the journey!

So, as I observe my feelings of unworthiness, acknowledge them and bless them, then choose to release them through intention and the angels help, I must remember that the forgetting of my wonderful-ness is part of the game, and not judge myself for those feelings.  Instead, I can choose to see it as another opportunity to rush into the arms of remembrance and feel its joyous relief.

Years ago I went through a deep and despairing walk with unworthiness and was given a beautiful book called On Wings of Light by Ronna Herman as a gift; inside was inscribed a personal message from Archangel Michael.  (Ronna Herman has channeled Archangel Michael for years; I was introduced to her by my dear friend Shanna MacLean at Circle of Light.  Ronna wrote me this note in 2001 just before 9/11 and I simultaneously “came out” as a shamana and wisewoman. )  When I thanked Ronna for the message, she replied:

“Hello, Dear Heart, so glad the message was meaningful for you.  I believe as you read the book and the messages more and more will become clear for you.  You have undoubtedly had many lifetimes as shaman/wise woman and spiritual leader – what is important now is that you live each day the best way you know how and your path will unfold the way that is best for all.  Start with yourself – learning self-love and self worth and then project that to others and help them see the best in themselves.   It all starts from within and radiates outward – one kind deed and loving thought at a time.

If anyone had told me ten years ago that I would be doing what I am doing and having the wonderful experiences that fill my life every day, I would have told them they were crazy.

Just Be the beautiful person you are and the rest will happen naturally.

Love and angel blessings, Ronna Herman”

And that has been the case; since I received this message in 2001, so much water has moved under (and over) the bridge, and self love has been the key to carrying me forward in grace.  Daily I choose to love myself unconditionally and to know and experience myself as worthy of unconditional love!  May you, too.

The response I’ve received since publishing my last entry about my desire to have “my own room” has been so interesting, I felt it merited a little more airtime.  Some have written to accuse my husband of not wanting to share power (sorry I told on you in my blog, honey!), others have responded that they feel this same urge but won’t allow themselves to have it, and most others just say, don’t worry, it’s coming.  Mostly, my own response is what is of note.

The night of the day of the aforementioned conversation, Pete and I talked again.  This time, I experienced him more receptive to my desire.  He listened attentively to my feelings, and reflected them back to me.  No negation, instead good listening, which made me feel safer to share what was happening with me.  We dealt with some real things and got to common ground.  He and I are on the same page, which is a relief to me.  SO, now that the immediate “perceived obstacle” is removed, what is really going on?

I did not ever have my own room, except maybe for the couple of years before my sister was born (and I’m not even sure about that).  Not whining, just sayin’.  When I moved to college, I had a shared dorm room.  It was not until I was a junior and moved into a duplex at age 20 that I had a room of my own, and began to taste what it was like to be master of one’s own space.  Of course, I met Peter when I was 21, and have not had my own room since then.

Now what I want is my own room, but not a bedroom…..what I want is a room that is MINE in which I can do what I WANT without being interrupted or distracted or have to move somebody else’s stuff.  JUST MINE.  And what I have realized is that I sound like a 3 year old kid!  MINE, MINE, MINE!

Well, I am not going to judge that inner 3 year old, but I am also going to include the perspective of the wise parent inside, who will temper the 3 year old’s insistence with some wisdom.  I am reflecting about why I feel I need an office to do the work I need to do, how I can proceed with that work to the extent that I can (without the office) until it manifests, and finally, what other ways I put things in front of my just getting DOWN TO IT.  This is all worthwhile reflection.

I wrestle with my inner logician, who says, “You are not making enough money to justify the expanse of renting an office.”  Also, “You are a mom and only have the hours between 9 and 2 (when BNO  -Boy Number One-  gets home from school) to do your work; does it really make sense to rent an office that will be empty so much of the day?”  And, “You’re a writer, why can’t you just sit on the couch and write there?”  And so many other perfectly sound reasons not to pursue this desire to have my own space.  Whew, all of this inner wrestling makes me tired. 

But there is a wiser voice, too, that is NOT defined by logic, but adds to logic in a feeling sense….it says that it is good and right to begin to bring this into my life because my timing is right.  It says there is nothing wrong with indulging this desire, and that it is in fact good for me to do so.  It says that I am freeing up and emerging in ways that will support the expenses and my desire to also benefit the financial well-being of my family.  I am also told it is indeed part of the universe’s desire for me, and that I will be supported.

So, I will balance the needs of my inner logician with the urging from my spirit to have the space in which to develop the things I will offer this world.  In the mean time, I will move forward and get some things done, even if my outer environment is not exactly the way I want it.  I will move forward and trust……It’s a-gonna happen.