"Igmu Tanka Chantay Weh", collage by Licia Berry 2007 copyright

I’m from the south…I was born in North Carolina and lived in the south most of my life.  I’d never been west as a child (the furthest I got was Little Rock, Arkansas, but that’s a story for another time.)  Oh, and we went on a family trip to Dallas, Texas.  But I never got DEEP west until 1990, when I took a fateful trip with my husband that felt like pure destiny.  I crossed the Mississippi and found a world that captured my heart.

As a young married couple, we were feeling the itch to get out from under our roots and see the world, seek our fortunes, find out who we were.  We felt that a move out west was the right direction, but I’d never been there, so off we went during my summer break (I was a public school art teacher at the time).  We traveled the southwest on a three week road trip with a lot of music, a camera and not very much money.  It was the best trip ever.

I remember the feeling the first time we got west of the center of Texas and I saw the full moon rise behind us as we sped through the dark across the open plains.  There was something about that giant sky and that wise open space that cracked my heart open.  We went all over New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado and a bit into Utah.  We had multiple magical encounters on that trip; from outrageous coincidences to the awe inspired by the colors of the earth and the light, it was one head-over-heels experience after another.  We fell in love with Tucson, AZ and moved there two years later. 

We’ve lived in Tucson, Albuquerque NM and southern Colorado since…each time we have left the southwest to come back to the south (where we are now), but have boomeranged back, as if we are back to refill our cup with the magic that seems to live there.  I have been missing it again lately, which is what prompted me to write this post.

I was thinking about why I am overcome every so often with a feeling in my heart, a beckoning, as if the desert is calling my name on the wind, yet it is inside my chest.  I was wondering why the feeling I have when I feel the Sacred Feminine in my consciousness feels so similar to the feeling I have when I am in the wide open spaces, looking up at the giant blue sky and the mountains on the horizon.  There is a feeling of awe and quiet, a feeling of being so small in such a big place, a feeling of being held and nurtured, and a sense of ancient knowing.  It feels like Her.

Just a few days ago I realized that the desert is where I first consciously felt the Sacred Feminine.  And it is there that I have continued to deepen my relationship with Her.  Each time I have lived out west the ante gets higher; I am simultaneously driven to my knees and lifted up by Her magnificent presence, Her calling herself forward in me.

Maybe I come back to the south to bring what I’ve learned, a taste of the desert dream to this land that I come from and that holds so many hard memories of being a smart girl growing up in the bible belt.   And maybe I will go back to the sit at Her feet every so often and drink of Her wisdom.

Glorious Debris-Midlife Card (Back), collage by Licia Berry, 2009 copyright

The continuing story of my Midlife Collage! 

After the initial 4 elements were in place, some months later I was guided to place the above image and wording on the back of the collage.

What does this mean?

First of all, for just one lovely image (it is artwork from the WeMoon calendar) to have been chosen, it must be powerful; it carries an energy that doesn’t need other images to complete the story.  The words “Deepen into Nature” just compliment or affirm the image.

Secondly, for the image to be chosen for the back tells me that it is a foundational piece of information.  The back of the collage is the spine, the thing that holds the collage together.   Deepening into Nature is a primary suggestion for me to navigate my passage through midlife.

Of course the image itself is full of symbolism!    It is steeped in symbols of the Sacred Feminine, the earth, transformation, higher knowing and growth.  Fits right in!

Nature used to be my best friend; it rejuvinated me, gave me fresh eyes, reminded me who I really am and the bigness of the universe we live in.  Nature, since it is inherently balanced, helps me re-balance.  Over the last few years, though, I seem to have shifted my focus to more indoor activities.  It was a good prompt to get back in touch with my old friend.

You can see that I have used the back of the card to record the dates that I have been guided to add something new.  It is interesting to me now as I look back on starting this card how much of what was shown to me has absolutely been my journey!

Next…parsley, the swinging lady, “marriage” and “glorious debris”!

"Glorious Debris", Collage by Licia Berry 2009 (Copyright Licia Berry)

I’ve been making intentional collages for over 20 years.  (Collage, of course, is an art technique named from the French, in which one brings together disparate parts to create something new.)  I did as a kid, but I started in earnest in my first year teaching art in the Atlanta public schools.  Maybe it was because the materials are easily found for free, like many of the art supplies I had to hunt for my students.  I was a fantastic scrounger!  

My collaging in earnest began when I was in an art therapy group run by the great Elizabeth Rucker, then-president of the Georgia Art Therapy Association, where we were encouraged to choose images “that felt right” to include in our pieces.  The intent of these collages was to bridge the soul and the earthly life with all of its hurts, and to invite healing.

This really spoke to me, and I continue to this day to give voice to my subconscious through the images that speak to me.   I credit that art therapy group with helping me understand and embody the connection between art and healing.  Sometimes my collages have predicted my future; other times, they were a kind of soul retrieval, providing healing for parts of myself that I had disenfranchised over my life.  Always, it has been profoundly powerful work. 

Literature, symbolism and psychology were my other loves besides art and writing, and so it made some sense that I would eventually weave all of these things together into a whole-brain expression to offer to others.

Spirit wove itself into my collage-making when I learned how to dowse from an elderly woman in the Blue Ridge Mountains.  She taught me to use a pendulum, which acts as a sort of translator, a way to ask yes/no questions and confirm my intuition.  I learned through this wonderful gift that sometimes what I thought was my intuition wasn’t, and have spent 13 years working to hone my skills in that department.  I know now the subtle difference when it is my preference or my mind masking itself as intuition; I learned this through the use of the pendulum as an objective marker. 

Later, I learned to utilize the pendulum to ask for messages through my collages; which images would help me understand a situation?  I would be shown images to choose through my vast stash, then told where to put them.  The relationships between the images are very important; are they touching?  Are they on the left, right or center of the collage?  Are they parallel, diagonal, oppositional, in alignment?

Sometimes I would even ask for guidance and would be told to pull out my collage materials, and my angelic helpers would guide me to make a collage that gave me a message or a warning.  It has been the most helpful and supportive spiritual practice.

I was guided in May 2009 to begin the collage you see above, entitled “Glorious Debris”, when I was in the midst of my sabbatical from my work as a spiritual counselor and energy reader.  I was despairing about my future, very much feeling my midlife crisis (rebirth) and wondering what I could do to move forward authentically into the latter half of my life.  What was my future?  I so deeply want to contribute in supportive ways to the Whole.

Unlike most of my collages, which are completed in one sitting, this one has been on-going as I have lived through my midlife, a bit at a time.  I’ve been guided to add to it three times since I began it, and is not complete (I’m told I will be adding something to it this week.)

It started with four elements:

• Aurora Borealis
• Owl
• Pinecone
• Garden

I dowsed the images, and I was guided about where to place them on the collage.  Then, the fun part….what do they mean?  Images sometimes have universal meanings, but I have found that they also have meanings that are particular to that person, so I like to phrase my question like, “What is important about this image for me (or X client?)” 

Here is what I got for the first four elements of my midlife collage: 

• Aurora Borealis - Spirit, visible Spirit, Light of Spirit, Dawn of new possibilities, Creativity
• Owl - Seeing in the dark, seeing through darkness, seeing through to the truth, Sacred Feminine, Athena, wisdom, learning
• Pinecone - esoteric symbol of the pineal gland, associated with the 3^rd eye and higher information, “mystic seed”, ancient symbol of regeneration, life in the inner realm, intent to broaden mystical view, keenly affected by light
• Garden – abundant life manifestations, growth, nature and human together as partners 

The collage, even with just the first 4 elements on it, gave me some hope that my midlife time was going to be fruitful and have a happy ending (for those who have not gone through it, it is quite a ride!) 

Over the months, I sat with these four symbols, curious when the rest would be revealed.  And then, the story continued in December of 2009, when I was guided to add a significant symbol to the back of the collage, as if it was the underlying message of the entire thing. 

To be continued…

Receiving, collage by Licia Berry, 2010

Sunday, July the 11^th is the new moon and total solar eclipse.  I hear from astrologer friends it is going to be a big one; this is confirmed by my invisible friends.  It is a new moon in Cancer, a water sign, involving family, relationships, feelings and the Sacred Feminine. 

For weeks preceding this event, I have been coming into wonderful alignment within, marveling at the information Consciousness is bringing through me for the book on Sacred Union and feeling great love for and connection with my husband after a time of challenge. It is blissful.

A couple of days before the event, I start to feel a little tension inside, a feeling of being a little less in the flow.  Fits and starts.

Sunday I ask for suggestions about how to work with the energy the most effectively, and am told to align with the energy of the eclipse, and do.  I feel the push to focus on what I want in my life, what new energy I want to bring in.  I do this.  I think about healing and love in my relationship with Peter, success and fulfillment in my work, joy with my children, healing and love for the waters and the world.   Ease and flow in my life.

We watch the world cup final and it is full of contention and conflict as one team plays dirty.  The other team, the better soccer players, win the tournament.  The octopus is right again.  Pete says 4 billion people are watching this game; it is amazing to be part of something that so many in the collective are involved in at the same time.  We bring thoughts of healing the gulf waters into this mix at this time.  I feel the beginning of a deep wave within me start to build momentum that night.

Monday, July the 12^th:  I awaken with a very sore jaw; I have been grinding my back teeth again, hard.  I feel odd, a little separate from my body.  I know this feeling; it is the feeling of something being “up” in my energy field.

I have immense release of grief and outdated energy dealing with feelings of unworthiness in the studio.  Very, very painful, racking sobs ripping from my heart, holding my head.  I am stunned by the depth of this wound, the message that I am bad, unworthy of love, a waste of space, a bother, etc.  This goes back too far for me to remember the origin of it, prior to age 2. I realize that all of my life I have been trying to prove that wrong while secretly believing it.  At times, it has felt like trying to hold back the tide with my finger in the dyke, and today I have to give in to the pain of this internalized feeling about myself.  It is what I have tried to hold myself above forever, the thing I would not let myself feel.

July 13^th:   I am very scattered in my energy, have trouble hearing intuitively when it is usually so easy.  Trying to do work is almost impossible.  I give up and ask what is going on, and am told that major energy movement has occurred in my system due to the release and that I am re-making myself.  The falling apart in order to be put back together in a new, improved way.  It feels like chaos.  I choose to be very easy on myself for the rest of the day.

July 14^th:  Awaken with sore jaw again, but feeling more “together”, as if the parts that were scattered about yesterday have come into a more seamless alignment.  I have profound awareness of and write about the imbalanced masculine within me and its efforts to prove wrong that I am unworthy through competitive behavior, seeking outer approval from the world, the pushing drive to be seen and be shown through physical evidence that I am loved. I see a tough little boy with his arms crossed and a defensive, protective scowl on his face. 

My inner masculine is so concerned about the outcome; he has a feeling of panic for his survival –All about the outer drive to succeed, to “make it”, to get the outcome, rather than the focus of being in the moment and revealing the message that is truth in my heart.  He is my internalized father, the one who pushes and forces, rather than acts in accordance with the feminine’s knowing.

I have made out-of-balance decisions from this place; this has led to things occurring that did not serve me in the end.  I have made some choices through this filter that had unpleasant consequences, such as pushing my divine timing.  I cry with grateful tears for this knowing, and wrap this wounded inner masculine up with Great Mothers arms within.  He needs love so much.  I rock him.  Hush, child…..heal, child.  Shhhhh.  In the feelings of being safe in the arms of the Sacred Feminine, my imbalanced inner masculine calms; he lets go of the need to prove himself as worthy.  Suddenly it doesn’t matter if I am successful, known, recognized, famous, fulfilling my purpose by reaching lots of people, etc.  I am overcome with feelings of love and connection.

As I drive to the studio, I have trouble focusing on the act of operating the car because I am having distinct sensations of being All That Is, the knowing of the truth of this, that I could say “Wake Up, Dreamer” and I, along with all of physical reality, would cease to exist. A feeling of death approaching, or the end of some existence….the threshold is close.  Looking back on my life as if it were a story or a dream, with fondness.  It is all okay.

July 15^th:  Another awareness of the pain in my life as a great teacher, including this year with a girlfriend that has triggered feelings of betrayal (this has happened over and over in my life).  Again as I am driving to the studio, I thank her out loud for being a teacher, for she has brought to my attention my core mother wound; she has been of service in this way.  I set the intention to heal my core mother wound from the inside out.  Perhaps she and I have helped each other with this mother stuff.  Interestingly, I am also guided to set intentions around receiving from the universe. 

Also very thankful for those who came into my life not bearing pain, but love and acceptance…I have learned and am learning much from them, as well.  I think I am moving towards learning in that way as much if not more than in the painful way. Maybe it doesn’t always have to be painful to learn.

I must be one powerful, big Being to have signed one for so many lessons in this life!  I’m smiling as I write this, feeling appreciation for myself and a sense of humor about it all.  I guess it’s true I like to learn.

I’m aware that the collective energy has been very intense these last weeks and days, but that every one has a different journey.  I do feel there is a common thread, though; I think it’s that we are being grown, being brought into more and more integrity with our true nature, being “pruned” of the things that aren’t in alignment with our authentic soul and expression.  If I allow this, open to it, flow with it, I find this kind of support to be a beautiful expression of how All Creation loves me with the tenderest of hearts.  It feels like coming Home.

The little boy I picked up in the labyrinth (http://liciaberry.com/blog/2009/11/10/the-boy-in-the-labyrinth/) is beginning to stir now…he has more life in him, whereas he did not seem to inhabit his body very much before.  I feel he is a personification of my power.  I am healing my power as well as exploring what authentic power looks like for myself.  As I do this, I predict I will see this little boy grow into an actualized man.  And that I will feel comfortable and confident in the world, a genuine soul expressing their authentic power, informed by the Sacred Feminine in her power.

In recent weeks, I have felt such outrage and despair about the plight of women and children who are preyed upon by those who would use their power to dominate them.  So many stories of rape and murder; it is so heinous to me.  I was worried about myself because some modern “spiritual” folk say that anger is a bad thing to feel and it “takes your vibe down”.  I find myself wanting to fight them, which of course means I am fighting a part of myself that wants to gloss over the feelings and pretend everything is okay.  I also don’t want to be one dimensional, the angry feminist who drives folks away by her intensity and ire.

But I chose to trust my body and emotions as a message to me that there was something wrong, and I let it take me down a path.  Trusting, trusting.  As I allowed my anger and expressed it in my writing and conversations, it took me to a new place. 

I saw a purple matrix on a field of black, or a Great Web, and heard “Mending the Web”, over and over, for days and now weeks.  I saw that it would be fairly simple to continue down the angry path, let it fuel itself continuously, and break the web by posting and publishing angry thoughts. 

But then I saw that it is “women’s work” to heal, to mend the breaks in the web that out-of-balance folks cut.  I understood that my original desire in the world was to heal, and that has been the case until I got angrier and harder in my heart, wanting to be acknowledged for being right and for being victimized.  It is such a tricky thing to stay on that tightrope of balanced, righteous anger that needs to be felt and expressed, or falling over into letting it consume you, become who you are.  Letting ourselves be human when we have studied spirituality can be a tricky game to play with ourselves.

As I continued with some trepidation down this path into greater room and understanding, I also saw that women who are empowered (and me) are strong enough to be the big ones, the ones who will take the first step and reach out our hands to do the mending.  Just as many wise and respected feminists have said, it is the women who must lead the coming awareness and shift in consciousness to balance.  Quietly, perhaps in some ways…..but that it is up to us to start the healing of this world. 

Spider Woman, by Susan Seddon Boulet

Then, I saw and heard “healing the masculine”.  Ah, is it not enough to heal ourselves as women, and the damage done to us at the hands of the outrageously immature masculine without (and our internalized fathers and immature masculine within)?  Perhaps we may be called to turn and heal those who have trespassed against us. 

Well, I don’t know how this will work…I sure don’t want to get in a conversation with my father and attempt to “heal” him.  I already know he doesn’t want to do that in ways that I consider healthy for him.  But, maybe by healing my own inner masculine, helping my inner masculine to grow up in a healthy balanced way, with a mature inner feminine to help him, there may be hope.

Family constellation work has shown me that there is no such thing as space and time…that healing can occur for all involved when all the factors are present.  Perhaps if I heal and mature my own inner masculine, my father in some way is released from his own pain, and healing can happen for him (and others).

But first, I must peel back the face I have placed on him, the veneer of goodness, the stories of heroism that I have projected onto him, and believed.  I must see what is underneath.  Better get out the drills, hammers and chisels.  It’s time for the idealized father to die.

And in the last few months, another voice has been respectfully poking its head into my consciousness.  It feels pointed, focused, exacting, harder than the quality of energy I experience with Great Mother or the Sacred Feminine.  It is absent entirely unless I give it permission to enter my space, and then it comes in with a full force of presence, taking up room.  To my great surprise, I am told it is the voice of Great Father.

Well, it is true that I have on obsession with balance.  I know that my soul has a sense of humor because that is my maiden name.  Balance is the closest thing to a religion I could say I have.  Balance is the way of the universe, the way of nature, the way of the middle road.  I respect and want to emulate balance very much, because I believe that is the natural way that things are, and I want to be as close to that as I possibly can.

Masculine/feminine balance is also part of that duality that we see played out in physical form.  Notice I did not say men and women, but masculine and feminine, qualities of energy that play at opposite ends of a spectrum, holding the space for physicality to occur through the magnetic polarity of opposites.  This is how all physical matter is able to be in existence.

So it would make some sense that my focus on the Sacred Feminine would be so successful…that I would feel Her, embody Her, teach others how to awaken that pathway within themselves…and that would lead me to Him, the Divine Masculine.  From the strength of Her, I will come to know Him.

More to come about my resistance to the masculine, the work I am doing to remove the veneer of my internalized father from the face of the Great Father, and the success I have had recently in my new relationship with Him.

"Aidan Cathedral", Peter Berry 2004, Digitally Transformed Photograph

The word “rebirthing” has been in my psyche quite a bit of late; perhaps in part due to the immanence of spring (around the corner, I hope!)    Perhaps in part due to the “collective sloughing off” that’s going on for so many people, in our country and beyond.  And perhaps in part due to the changes I have seen in my own life.

It is a hard thing to describe in quantifiable terms when deep internal change is happening.  It’s like trying to put words on a moving, invisible target made of mist.  The way I know change is happening is that I can feel it.  Of course, I see behavior changes, but that is after the changes are integrated.  The first way I know they are happening is that I can feel motion inside.

I’m not alone.  I’ve been talking to some kick-ass women, women who don’t always have words for what they are experiencing, either, but trust themselves enough to know that something is going on, something big and good and life changing.  They sometimes think they are alone, and they experience such relief when they realize that they aren’t. 

These are the women I want to surround myself with in my life.  These are women who are strong, have been through some things, have survived hardship, or pulled themselves up by their bootstraps when no one else would give them a hand.  These women are feeling something inside of them, too, something that is calling them home.  And they are choosing to listen.

Rebirth is a term that seems perfect for what is going on for me right now.  I feel myself returning to a more childlike remembrance of my soul.   I am having body memories of what it felt like to be me before I learned how to cover up my light.  I am remembering certain qualities of myself that I’ve not really touched in some time.  The experience is like, “Oh, yeah, I used to feel that feeling when I was little.”  It brings tears to my eyes sometimes!

When I think about it from a pattern perspective (I’m always seeing patterns), I’d have to say that my core self is re-emerging after trying on a suit for some years.  The suit worked well for awhile, even though it was uncomfortable at times.  But now, I am done with that particular suit, and I want to try on one that is a better fit for me.  A roomy, silky, blue and green, flowing suit.

I feel some fear and anxiety at times because I don’t quite know what is around the corner.  But at the same time, I feel an anticipation, an eagerness…like the joy I felt at special times when I was a younger person.  Like the whole world is my playground.  I can’t wait!

Rebirth.  Re-emerge.  New/Old identity.  Who am I becoming?  I think it’s more ME.

Mother One-The Sacred Feminine, collage by Licia Berry 2007

Last Thursday, I taught the first class in my inaugural “Faces of Her” teleseries.  With great hopes and expectations, and lots of sweat and labor, I birthed this offering amongst 10 women. 

It touched me in a different way to teach this class; it came from a more vulnerable place.  I’ve taught many teleclasses, classes and workshops in my professional teaching career of 21 years, but this one was different.  It came from the center of my heart, from the core of my being.

The journey to come to acceptance of my own inner Sacred Feminine has not been easy; I faced what all people face when they realize that there is more to our lives than what meets the eye.  I experienced what all folks experience when they open to more feminine ways of being, and allow that to guide them in their lives.  It’s no secret; it’s not the way our culture teaches us to live.  Feminine equals weak or stupid or value-less.  My decision to reject these ridiculous notions was nothing less than anarchy.

Learning to trust myself over all others has absolutely been a feminine journey.  Learning to listen quietly when my impulse is to demand answers has absolutely been a feminine journey.  Allowing myself to feel my feelings of sadness, anger, fear, grief and rage has been a feminine journey, too.  These are all things that are suppressed in our culture.  

But actually offering what I have learned to others…now THAT takes some ovaries (they’ve been making noises at me through out this process, by the way!)  Being pregnant with this information, then going through the labor to birth it, then presenting it Thursday night has been nothing short of a feminine miracle.  

I came into my room yesterday, where I have an altar to Great Mother, and upon entering the scent of jasmine incense wafted into my awareness.  I paused to look at the incense burner; nothing there.  I asked my husband and children if they had burned incense, and they said no, they thought I had been (they smelled it, too!)  This is the second time in several days this has happened to me; a mysterious scent of something that does not exist in the physical reality of the space has asserted itself.  I wonder if, like the scent of roses signifies the presence of the Divine Mother, of the scent of jasmine also portrays Her blessing?  

The choice to offer “Faces of Her” has begun its magic…I am already different, MORE than I was before the class.  In the decision to offer what I’ve learned to other women, I have opened some blessed door within myself, and She is working Her way with me!

A second class has been created due to popular demand!  Starts this Tuesday, Feb, 23 at 7pm eastern.  Join us!

 Q. You are a soulcare practitioner with spiritual gifts for healing. In a recent blog post you wrote about how you wanted to attend your community’s Pastoral Alliance, but were advised against it because that group already saw you as a witch and a danger to the community. Can you say a few words about self-definition, and how this experience has influenced the terms and ideologies you use for yourself?

 I have always felt my connection to the All That Is, and felt secure in that (with the exception of a few years of submitting to the tutelage of a “spiritual teacher” during a vulnerable time in my life, which threw me off track faster than anything else has.)  My concept of Self since a very, very young age (my first memory of direct experience of the Divine was at age two) was that I was kind, connected, caring, and wanted to be of service.  I started doing ritual at age 3 (that I can remember), and I knew how to manipulate my energy with my mind at age 11.  I felt part of a loving Divinity, even though the world seemed pretty confusing.  The messages I got from other people were sometimes quite different than my experience, and I did take on some of those false identities as a child, but I am removing those labels as I grow older and wiser.  I am not interested in being defined by others, but in claiming definitions for myself that feel right to me.  I’m happy to say that the core self-identity has remained intact.

Transparency has always been a part of my walk in the world. I have not felt it right to hide who I am…I thought it was a good quality to have!  Truth and integrity (inside matches outside) are my highest values, I think.  I still cannot tell an untruth; my body won’t let me!  But telling the whole truth in every situation does not always serve.  I think I have been somewhat naive and unprotective of myself in that I would be very open in any situation.  Being willing to expose myself in any situation, which seems like throwing myself before the bus in order to get the attention of the people on the bus.  Not a very good strategy!  That was partially informed by growing up with very few boundaries with alcoholic parents, and partially informed by wanting to be accepted by everyone. 

 This occurrence in which I was identified as a threat to religious congregations in the small village where I as living has brought me many gifts, perhaps the biggest being a maturing, or ripening process.  I am seeing that it is not modeling good caretaking of myself to throw myself in front of the bus.  I am seeing it is not kind to me to put myself in situations where I am not loved and appreciated for who I am.  I am seeing that it isn’t always supportive to put the WHOLE truth out there because not everyone is ready to handle it.  I would never deliberately lie, but I may be more discerning in the way I tell the truth about who I am.  If my intention is truly to be of service in this world, then I must feel where my openings are, and go there.  It was also a lesson in going where you are invited, going where the love is.

I have determined that the most accurate thing I can say to folks is that I am a human living life in a spirited way, and that I act as a guide for folks going through spiritual transformation. 

Q. What do you think is your “growing edge” in your work as a spiritual advisor? What upcoming projects are you excited about?

 I am coming out of a 1.5 year sabbatical, in which I went through deep metamorphosis and have emerged into an expanded reality for myself.  It is very exciting to be getting to know this woman I am evolving into and yet the kernel of her has been there all along!

My growing edge seems to be about claiming my power as a woman who chooses to embody the Sacred Feminine.  I believe in balance, very deeply, and I know that I have both masculine and feminine energies within.  I believe those energies are at their best when they are mature and working in cooperation.  However, what I have seen in my sabbatical is that the masculine energy within me and that I see reflected in the world is one that is immature, needing healing in order for the world to come into balance.  I have also been shown (and experienced) that the Sacred Feminine within me is very, very strong and very, very old and that She knows what to do if I allow Her to come forward in my life. 

What has been shown to me is that the Sacred Feminine within each of us is calling to come forward, and that She is what will bring the world into a place of healing that immature masculine.  When the masculine becomes the Divine Masculine, the exquisite dance that occurs between He and the Sacred Feminine is breathtaking and oh, so right.  This information that has been gifted to me has brought me to tears many times; it is filling a hole I did not realize I had, and revealing the truth of my divine nature. 

So I am teaching what I know after many years of experience of self reflection and trial and error…the school of life has been a great teacher for me.  I teach classes in Sacred Feminine spirituality, integration of shadow aspects of self, shamanic art, working with subtle energies in the body as well as working in conscious partnership with other aspects of creation.  I teach what the people want to know. 

My indigenous roots have informed a real feeling of connection with all Creation; I belong to this earth and I know that if the human species is to survive, we must return to the ways of balance that our indigenous ancestors modeled.  I have been called a Wise Woman by my indigenous contemporaries; I’m humbled by this recognition of being a woman who has walked the hard roads and who came through alive with wisdom to offer her people. 

I am privileged to teach what I have learned to other women (and men, if they ask me!) in the form of classes, teleclasses, workshops, retreats, groups, and my writing.  My “Faces of Her”teleclass is coming up Feb. 18^th-it is a 3 session teleclass in which I will be teaching about various faces of the Sacred Feminine, both light/solar and dark/lunar, and how working with these aspects of Her in our daily life can bring immense awareness of ourselves as powerful and carrying a legacy that is asking to be born right now on this earth. It is an overview, a light touch, for folks to determine if they want to invite the Sacred Feminine within to be part of their lives.

Untitled Female Figure, Licia Berry, 1988, ink wash

It’s really true what they say, that if we are not aware of history we are doomed to repeat it.  We can see it on our world stage, we can see it in our relationships, and we can see it in how we become our parents if we have not done a significant amount of consciousness work.

Having internalized my father as the more positive role model of my two parents (if you know anything about my history with my father that may be jaw dropping to you!), I sought my way in the world with a dominant immature masculine energy as my primary lead.  I worked hard, I forced and pushed, I didn’t let myself feel much, I succeeded when I should have totally failed or died.  It was survival of the fittest; there was no room for getting soft or taking a breath or self care or soul care…none of that pansy stuff. 

That served me well enough to get through 5 years of full-time university and student teaching, all while making good grades and working enough jobs to pay the rent.  I had no help from my family and was living on my own in downtown Atlanta, a young girl with nothing to her name but a hand-me-down station wagon that stalled while driving and a scrappy attitude.

When I met my future husband, my survival was more assured.  He took me out to eat and I tore up a steak, threatening to spear his hand when he reached for something on my plate.  I had not eaten properly in 2 years, making due with one box of macaroni to last me a week, and mooching off of my wealthy roommate when she would let me.  Mostly I got through by just not allowing myself to think about food.  Keep moving, keep moving.  Besides, I was getting calories from the alcohol that folks would buy me at the dance club.     

It took some time to start to calm the wild beast who was fighting to survive within me.  Being in close proximity to Peter’s family (mine had been mostly out of the picture since I left home) induced a deep depression; those feelings I had been too resistant to give air time to finally had some room to come up to the surface.  I became a very uncomfortable FEELING creature.  I started therapy to learn why I was feeling the way I was, and began the long slow climb into consciousness and the light.    

The year that I was pregnant with my first son was when I began to consciously feel female.  I had been tough and together and sharp minded, but now I felt softer, squishier, joyful, less concerned with working hard to survive and more concerned with the baby growing inside of me.  I took wonderful care of my body, learned about organic foods and alternative ways of thinking.  This was when I started to see my inner nurturer come to the surface.  Somehow I knew how to treat myself as more precious.  This was such a great gift; it was truly the first time I can remember feeling feminine in an authentically powerful way.

My second pregnancy drew me ever more into the feminine, but the wild, deep, dark feminine.  I craved tribal music and walked in the woods and the mud.  I talked to the trees and the wind and the earth, feeling the eyes of nature on me as I moved through the world.  I carried sticks and rocks as talismans, weighing down my pockets with precious bits of ground that seemed to want to walk with me.  It was as if I were a child again, but a powerful, pregnant woman-child, innocent and knowing at the same time.  I found myself drawn to women in Asheville who taught me about birth being a natural process that my body knew how to do.  It was the beginning of learning to trust myself and my body as way-showers.

It was during this time I first heard the word Goddess, at least consciously.  I didn’t like it much; “Goddess” evoked images of hippie women in long skirts with wild hair and flowers in their teeth.  It evoked witches and feminists and crazed, alternative thinkers.  Even though I was coming into my feminine self in a powerful way, I was way too practical (read fearful) to embrace the “goddess”.  I experienced the Divine as something more abstract, a combination of feelings and love and creation and evolution.  I wasn’t going to worship anything.  I didn’t believe in a dude in the sky as my god, why would I believe in a woman in a skirt as my goddess? 

But my feet were firmly on the path of embracing Her, whether I saw her as a figurehead or not.  My internal knowing was taking me deep into Her, and what I discovered was that She was inside of me, in my body and heart and belly.  She wasn’t outside, wanting to be worshiped.  She was part of me. 

(to be continued)