Glorious Debris-Midlife Card (Back), collage by Licia Berry, 2009 copyright

The continuing story of my Midlife Collage! 

After the initial 4 elements were in place, some months later I was guided to place the above image and wording on the back of the collage.

What does this mean?

First of all, for just one lovely image (it is artwork from the WeMoon calendar) to have been chosen, it must be powerful; it carries an energy that doesn’t need other images to complete the story.  The words “Deepen into Nature” just compliment or affirm the image.

Secondly, for the image to be chosen for the back tells me that it is a foundational piece of information.  The back of the collage is the spine, the thing that holds the collage together.   Deepening into Nature is a primary suggestion for me to navigate my passage through midlife.

Of course the image itself is full of symbolism!    It is steeped in symbols of the Sacred Feminine, the earth, transformation, higher knowing and growth.  Fits right in!

Nature used to be my best friend; it rejuvinated me, gave me fresh eyes, reminded me who I really am and the bigness of the universe we live in.  Nature, since it is inherently balanced, helps me re-balance.  Over the last few years, though, I seem to have shifted my focus to more indoor activities.  It was a good prompt to get back in touch with my old friend.

You can see that I have used the back of the card to record the dates that I have been guided to add something new.  It is interesting to me now as I look back on starting this card how much of what was shown to me has absolutely been my journey!

Next…parsley, the swinging lady, “marriage” and “glorious debris”!

"Glorious Debris", Collage by Licia Berry 2009 (Copyright Licia Berry)

I’ve been making intentional collages for over 20 years.  (Collage, of course, is an art technique named from the French, in which one brings together disparate parts to create something new.)  I did as a kid, but I started in earnest in my first year teaching art in the Atlanta public schools.  Maybe it was because the materials are easily found for free, like many of the art supplies I had to hunt for my students.  I was a fantastic scrounger!  

My collaging in earnest began when I was in an art therapy group run by the great Elizabeth Rucker, then-president of the Georgia Art Therapy Association, where we were encouraged to choose images “that felt right” to include in our pieces.  The intent of these collages was to bridge the soul and the earthly life with all of its hurts, and to invite healing.

This really spoke to me, and I continue to this day to give voice to my subconscious through the images that speak to me.   I credit that art therapy group with helping me understand and embody the connection between art and healing.  Sometimes my collages have predicted my future; other times, they were a kind of soul retrieval, providing healing for parts of myself that I had disenfranchised over my life.  Always, it has been profoundly powerful work. 

Literature, symbolism and psychology were my other loves besides art and writing, and so it made some sense that I would eventually weave all of these things together into a whole-brain expression to offer to others.

Spirit wove itself into my collage-making when I learned how to dowse from an elderly woman in the Blue Ridge Mountains.  She taught me to use a pendulum, which acts as a sort of translator, a way to ask yes/no questions and confirm my intuition.  I learned through this wonderful gift that sometimes what I thought was my intuition wasn’t, and have spent 13 years working to hone my skills in that department.  I know now the subtle difference when it is my preference or my mind masking itself as intuition; I learned this through the use of the pendulum as an objective marker. 

Later, I learned to utilize the pendulum to ask for messages through my collages; which images would help me understand a situation?  I would be shown images to choose through my vast stash, then told where to put them.  The relationships between the images are very important; are they touching?  Are they on the left, right or center of the collage?  Are they parallel, diagonal, oppositional, in alignment?

Sometimes I would even ask for guidance and would be told to pull out my collage materials, and my angelic helpers would guide me to make a collage that gave me a message or a warning.  It has been the most helpful and supportive spiritual practice.

I was guided in May 2009 to begin the collage you see above, entitled “Glorious Debris”, when I was in the midst of my sabbatical from my work as a spiritual counselor and energy reader.  I was despairing about my future, very much feeling my midlife crisis (rebirth) and wondering what I could do to move forward authentically into the latter half of my life.  What was my future?  I so deeply want to contribute in supportive ways to the Whole.

Unlike most of my collages, which are completed in one sitting, this one has been on-going as I have lived through my midlife, a bit at a time.  I’ve been guided to add to it three times since I began it, and is not complete (I’m told I will be adding something to it this week.)

It started with four elements:

• Aurora Borealis
• Owl
• Pinecone
• Garden

I dowsed the images, and I was guided about where to place them on the collage.  Then, the fun part….what do they mean?  Images sometimes have universal meanings, but I have found that they also have meanings that are particular to that person, so I like to phrase my question like, “What is important about this image for me (or X client?)” 

Here is what I got for the first four elements of my midlife collage: 

• Aurora Borealis - Spirit, visible Spirit, Light of Spirit, Dawn of new possibilities, Creativity
• Owl - Seeing in the dark, seeing through darkness, seeing through to the truth, Sacred Feminine, Athena, wisdom, learning
• Pinecone - esoteric symbol of the pineal gland, associated with the 3^rd eye and higher information, “mystic seed”, ancient symbol of regeneration, life in the inner realm, intent to broaden mystical view, keenly affected by light
• Garden – abundant life manifestations, growth, nature and human together as partners 

The collage, even with just the first 4 elements on it, gave me some hope that my midlife time was going to be fruitful and have a happy ending (for those who have not gone through it, it is quite a ride!) 

Over the months, I sat with these four symbols, curious when the rest would be revealed.  And then, the story continued in December of 2009, when I was guided to add a significant symbol to the back of the collage, as if it was the underlying message of the entire thing. 

To be continued…

My subjective experience has been telling me that there has been some extraordinary energy moving through the collective these last few days.  What I’m hearing as I report in from my corner of reality is that many are feeling this larger wave of energy, but some experience it as very difficult and others very lovely.

Thursday is when I started to feel that rise begin…it feels to me like being in the ocean, out beyond where the waves break.  You can feel that a wave is coming because you get lifted off the bottom of the sea, and your body bobs up to the top of the lump that begins a wave, then you are dropped down and toes make contact again with sand.  The wave continues onward towards the shore, where it crests and crashes down, becoming one with the larger body of the ocean again.

Thursday some extraordinary things happened in my life.  My beloved husband confronted an oooolllllddddd habit passed down to him by his ancestry and brought it into consciousness, breaking the pattern and freeing himself (and us, his family).  When it happened, there was a palpable feeling of something having changed.  Our whole family felt it.  A few hours later, a professional opportunity came his way, literally dropped in his lap, which has invited more good feelings in our family. 

Then, Friday some folks looked at our house in Colorado, the one that’s been on the market for 1.5 years, and promptly feel it love with it and made an offer.  We signed the contract yesterday, the day identified by astrologers in the know as a profoundly lucky day of 2010 due to Jupiter and the sun being in alignment.

The current energy wave is intense, don’t get me wrong.  It’s not all sunshine and daisies; the recent earthquakes would indicate that there are folks who are in great distress as a result of the energy movement.  And I have been hearing that some folks are having difficulty navigating the current energy.  They feel anxious, pregnant, full, like they are ready to explode.  Sometimes it feels just plain bad, and we want to hide under a rock until it’s over.

I do believe that what is within is also without, and vice versa, so to me it makes sense that we would see manifestations in the physical as well as emotional worlds of the internal or invisible universal energy waves that wash through us.  I don’t think this is going to change; my sources tell me that these kinds of experiences are going to continue, and that the intensity will lessen a bit as we cycle through, until we get to the next wave. 

Are we being cleansed?  Are we being shown where we are putting energy that doesn’t serve us?  Are we getting the opportunity to trim out the deadwood and let go into a life that we are truly meant to live?  And why is it easy for some and not for others?  Is the difference that sometimes we cooperate with the flow of the energy and other times we cling to the rocks, refusing to let go into that larger life?  What keeps us attached to those habits and beliefs that threaten to take us under, even those that we love? 

My sweet husband has had direct information for 3 years (via myself and my invisible helpers) that his unconsciousness was causing a major energy drain on himself and our family, creating havoc and despair, putting him crossways to his own soul.  But he wasn’t ready to hear it until Thursday, and when he let it go, the energy wave that was building already bobbed him (and our family) up to the top of the wave, instead of holding us down at the bottom.  The relief and feeling of rightness is unmistakable.

So now we are coming through this wave…the full moon today feels like an apex to me, and perhaps things will smooth out a bit for awhile to allow the next wave to build. This will allow us time to integrate the changes that have been made during this last part of the cycle; the deadwood having been trimmed (don’t go trying to pick it up and stick it back on the trees!), we will hopefully find our ground and center in a new way.

"Aidan Cathedral", Peter Berry 2004, Digitally Transformed Photograph

The word “rebirthing” has been in my psyche quite a bit of late; perhaps in part due to the immanence of spring (around the corner, I hope!)    Perhaps in part due to the “collective sloughing off” that’s going on for so many people, in our country and beyond.  And perhaps in part due to the changes I have seen in my own life.

It is a hard thing to describe in quantifiable terms when deep internal change is happening.  It’s like trying to put words on a moving, invisible target made of mist.  The way I know change is happening is that I can feel it.  Of course, I see behavior changes, but that is after the changes are integrated.  The first way I know they are happening is that I can feel motion inside.

I’m not alone.  I’ve been talking to some kick-ass women, women who don’t always have words for what they are experiencing, either, but trust themselves enough to know that something is going on, something big and good and life changing.  They sometimes think they are alone, and they experience such relief when they realize that they aren’t. 

These are the women I want to surround myself with in my life.  These are women who are strong, have been through some things, have survived hardship, or pulled themselves up by their bootstraps when no one else would give them a hand.  These women are feeling something inside of them, too, something that is calling them home.  And they are choosing to listen.

Rebirth is a term that seems perfect for what is going on for me right now.  I feel myself returning to a more childlike remembrance of my soul.   I am having body memories of what it felt like to be me before I learned how to cover up my light.  I am remembering certain qualities of myself that I’ve not really touched in some time.  The experience is like, “Oh, yeah, I used to feel that feeling when I was little.”  It brings tears to my eyes sometimes!

When I think about it from a pattern perspective (I’m always seeing patterns), I’d have to say that my core self is re-emerging after trying on a suit for some years.  The suit worked well for awhile, even though it was uncomfortable at times.  But now, I am done with that particular suit, and I want to try on one that is a better fit for me.  A roomy, silky, blue and green, flowing suit.

I feel some fear and anxiety at times because I don’t quite know what is around the corner.  But at the same time, I feel an anticipation, an eagerness…like the joy I felt at special times when I was a younger person.  Like the whole world is my playground.  I can’t wait!

Rebirth.  Re-emerge.  New/Old identity.  Who am I becoming?  I think it’s more ME.

Tucson Sunset, photo by Licia Berry 2007

As I’ve said in the previous entry, every new cycle is an opportunity to look back and celebrate how far we’ve come.  I don’t like the idea of beating ourselves up because we didn’t accomplish certain things (although I am guilty of doing that with some frequency).  What I DO like is taking an inventory of the life lessons I’ve learned, because that tells me I am alive.

2009 is one of those years I am hearing plenty of folks ready to say goodbye to.  As one reader put it, “2009, don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you.”  I understand, it has been a banner year for hard lessons, an intense alchemical cauldron, a trial by fire.  What is left after the purifying flames?  What will emerge from the ashes?

I am still discerning the answers to those questions…and so far, I am very excited with what I am discovering.  The “me” that is emerging is the one I have been wanting to get to know.  May she continue to come forward in grace. 

In the mean time, I have compiled the short list of lessons I have been taught (and am incorporating) by the great teacher of the year of 2009.  I offer them here to inspire you to acknowledge your own lessons of this last year, and to thank the year for the reminder that you are alive, too.

~Licia’s 2009 Life Lessons~

2009 Lesson #1-When I align with what is right for me, change goes very smoothly because I am so supported by the larger energies of the universe.

2009 Lesson #2-Even when something happens that looks absolutely awful, I am still being supported. I will know this if I am open to this possibility. If I approach the “awful” thing with an open heart and ask to know the lessons, they will be given to me.

2009 Lesson #3- Love is all that matters. Love illuminates the path, makes life a joyful adventure, full of meaning. Absence of love breeds uncertainty and fear, makes the journey a scary, unpleasant question.

2009 Lesson #4-  Receivership. I was forcibly disabled, kind of a “Sit down and be quiet!” My usual running around, trying to be in control of various aspects of my life, was taken out in a hurry. My inability to do for myself + for others created an opening for me to receive assistance, to practice being taken care of.

2009 Lesson #5- Things don’t always happen in my time frame….in fact, they often don’t. There is a larger reality at work than the one I think up with my own mind and desires….and that reality will be the one that has the last say. In the end, it will be for my highest good.

2009 Lesson #6- Go where invited.  If you are not wanted, seen or appreciated, leave.  Go to where the love is.

2009 Lesson #7-  Some decisions need to be made that defy logic.  It may not “make sense” to follow a course of action, but truly supportive, growthful and loving decisions frequently don’t fit into a rational model for life. 

2009 Lesson #8-  Community has become very important to me.  Whereas I have been fine to be a loner and independent before, now I feel a strong pull to give and receive in community, seeking and finding and relishing my soul tribe.  Allowing myself to be “part of” is related to how willing I am to open up and be human with other humans.

2009 Lesson #9-  Deep rearranging, sloughing off, gathering and healing is happening for me this year.  So much subconscious process, the evidence of which is in my dreams and in the sensation of being underwater or in deep caves…a reminder for me that there is a whole lot more going on than meets the eye or than I am aware of consciously.

2009 Lesson #10-  In the past I have been hung up on “evidence”.  This has been a way for me to deny my inner wisdom.  Evidence does not have to look like something I can see, feel, touch or remember consciously.  It can include what emerges in dreams, the feelings and the body…these are also evidence.

2009 Lesson #11-  There is a collapsing of worlds occurring within me, and it is happening faster and faster.  This brings me great bliss when I align with it, and anxiety when I resist it.  I feel I am getting closer to cohesion within, Sacred Union Within.  The lesson for me?  All is in order….Let it be. 

Thank you for the lessons, 2009, and a blessed 2010 everyone!

2009 has been a banner year for hard lessons, hasn’t it?  Between relationships falling apart, health crises, job changes, geographical moves, and all of those INTERAL moves we’ve been making, 2009 was the year that rocked and rolled all night long.  Many of us woke up to a new reality within ourselves, and noticed that the world looked different.  It is amazing to look back and see all of the changes, and what a different land we live in now than just one year ago.

For me, this reflection is cause for celebration, and is done for the purpose of patting me on the back because I got through it (sometimes with grace, and sometimes NOT).  Another purpose of this reflection is to make sure I have given a respectful nod to the forces of the universe that were conspiring to help me learn something.

In ceremonial work we know it is important to thank what has been before letting it go, incorporating the lessons it has brought us…2009 has been a year FULL of learning opportunities for us.  It is kind and respectful to say thank you, just as we were taught in kindergarten.  You know how it feels to be properly thanked…it feels like acknowledgment.  This is a good practice, and one we frequently forget when we feel victim of some larger doing.  But the gift to us in remembering to thank even the hard stuff for what it brought to us is that it helps us incorporate the lessons into our psyche and breathe that hard-won wisdom into our lives.  

I am spending some time making a list this week of lessons I have learned; I think I will make some art about it, too.  My friend Elizabeth Barbour and I are also hosting a retreat on New Year’s Day to take some women on a journey to see what they are becoming, to honor what has passed and allow the new butterfly to emerge in 2010.  We’ll be making collages to ground our inner visions, and to hold those intentions for the entire year.  The larger energy is ripe for this self examination.  Can’t you feel it?  2010 is truly a year to begin again.

But if you can’t make the retreat, held in Tallahassee FL, you can still honor New Year’s Day intentionally and ceremonially.  Here are some suggestions:

Licia’s New Year’s Rituals:

• This week, sit quietly with your thoughts.  Ask yourself these questions, and journal about what you discover.

1. What were some life lessons taught to you this year?
2. Who/what were the teachers?
3. What wisdom have you gained?
4. Fully look these lessons in the eye…feel them stretch throughout your body and consciousness….breathe them through you.  These lessons are part of you, if you will let them be.  You can live a more authentic life because of them.
5. Fully acknowledge the teachers that brought these lessons to you…whether they be people, circumstances, spirits, elements of nature….whatever and whoever they were, they gave you a gift.  Thank them.

• On New Year’s Day, honor this new beginning by setting aside time to create something new to look forward into the year.  I meditate, journal and make a collage that I can display in my workspace.  Here are some questions I ask myself in order to make this time special and meaningful for the new cycle:

1. Who am I, really?  Who is the me that has been uncovered, scrubbed clean, by this past year’s events?  Who is the me that has emerged from the cocoon of my becoming?
2. What does my heart, my soul want to do, to say?
3. How will I live as the truth of who I am this year?  How will I live my life differently because of what I have learned?
4. What does my heart truly want to offer humanity?  How can I show up in this world that is experiencing so many changes in a way that supports the goodness in this world?

 I find these activities to be soooooo supportive to ending and beginning a cycle in a more intentional and loving way.  Taking the time to meaningfully take inventory and express my thanks as the old cycle ends helps me to welcome the new cycle in with fresh, eager and open arms.  I hope that you will give this gift to yourself as well!

Adventuress, by Licia Berry 2006

However, there is an even larger cycle in our lives that has become apparent.  Peter shared with me a few days ago his realization that we have come to the end of a 21 year cycle, 3 seven-year chapters, which began when I made the choice to wake up from my slumber and go into recovery work to heal.  This choice changed life utterly for many people.

It was in 1988 when I was 23 years old and Peter and I were about to be married that we were living with his parents at their property in Suwannee GA.  At that time, I became very depressed and wondered why.  It turns out that being in the immersion of Peter’s family invited my old family dynamics to come forward within me.  (Folks that read my writing know that I am an abuse survivor, sexual, emotional, and physical primarily.)  I made a choice to enter therapy to discover why I did not want to be on the earth any longer.  It was a hard decision to confront my beliefs about myself and my biological family at that time, and to turn them upside down and look them over critically to see if they were indeed true.  I’m grateful that I had the strength and insight to choose this path many years before I had my own children.  The desire to break the cycles of abuse and to NOT pass on the illness that was passed on to me was a primary motivator.  However, in the end, it was a decision to honor myself, no matter what hell may come as a result.

Hell did come…when I confronted my father by certified mail, he did not respond at all; nine years later, I called him to have a truth-telling at the top of the mountain because I realized I was stronger and more courageous than he was.  He couldn’t hurt me any more.  When I told my mother, she slurred her words in her usual drunken stupor, and accused me of ”always being warped”, despite my reputation for having the best memory in the family.  After that lesson, I chose not to speak with her unless it was in the early part of the day before she started drinking.  My sister hoped it was “all a misunderstanding”, and shared with my brother the hope that our family could reunite and be happy together despite the years of affairs, drunkenness, unhappiness and divorce, the definition of sheer insanity to me.  It was a rough time for me, the lone truth-teller.  I have been blamed, called names, been seen as “making conflict for conflict’s sake”, and otherwise rejected.  Subject to the projections of my biological family, I had no one except my helping professionals and my beloved husband to feel truly safe with.

Over these 21 years of reclaiming my life, my mind, my body, my spirit and my center, I have gotten clearer and clearer that I am not to blame.  The mantles of shame and projection have become more obvious as others’ issues rather than mine.  I have been less willing to take them on, less willing to carry the burden of other people’s unconsciousness.  The more I have reclaimed myself, the stronger my voice has become, and the more I have attracted others, women in particular, who share or find strength and solace in my story.  It is one of the obvious tenets of an abusive family to keep the secrets….to not tell, to not share the story, to keep it under wraps of darkness.  But the only way the cycle can stop is if we talk about it, regardless of the threats or entreaties to cease.  No, mom, I won’t be quiet….I won’t stop talking.

There is goodness in this…some sweetness after all the years of pain to hear another woman say “Thank you for telling your story, because it gave me permission to tell mine.”  Whatever wisdom I offer has been hard won.

Now, something has happened in these last months within me…some immense shift of knowing, an awareness of my strength, a vision of a light within me like a beacon….it is getting stronger, and I feel I am finally beginning to become what I was meant to become.  What I offer to the world, what I am meant to express, how I am to walk in a way that is in integrity with my soul and spirit…it is coming forward at an ever faster pace.  After all the years in the mud and darkness of putting my pieces back together, suddenly it is time to be Whole.  The process has been nothing short of remarkable, and is speeding up each day, it seems.  It appears to be coinciding with our departure of our quiet sanctuary into a larger world, as well as the outer world’s intense changes as if there is a larger knowing coming to fruition as well.  The work that our family has done these 11 years will be needed in the world.  And the work I have done these last 21 years will also be needed in the world.  When we arrive in Tallahassee, I have a sense that we will need to hit the ground running.

(As a result, I will be creating a new blog attached to my professional website.  My professional writing website as well as services for clients will also be evolving.  Keep an eye out…my sabbatical is over!)

The pendulum has swung…the years of intense devotion to our inner life have been rich and fed our souls; we have drunk at the wellspring of our spirits and been filled to the brim with goodness and wisdom.  New outer life, new expressions, new invitations, new opportunities.  Now it is time to balance the years of inward motion with expression in the outer world, to take what we have learned and live our lives. 

I will remember this joyous bike ride with my boys for a long time, as it will be my last for several months. 

We returned to the RV to get more school work done, and as the boys worked, Peter said he was going on a ride.  I asked if I could go, too….more rather than less exercise is a good rule for me.  He welcomed me; I threw my shoes on and, a smile on my face, stepped out the door, placing my left foot on the top outer step of the RV.

Apparently, I put my heel down on the edge of what turned out to be a sandy step…before I knew what happened, I was flying.  I felt pain, but more shock of having fallen down the stairs, as I am not one who hurts myself much.  When I got to the bottom, I felt that something was wrong; besides the heart pounding from the surprise, I looked down and saw that my right foot was turned the wrong way, and the end of my tibia, the strong inner leg bone that we see as our shin, poking unnaturally through the left side of my ankle. 

I will spare you the details of my strange calm as I gave orders to my family members, the transfer to the hospital ER, the relocation of the ankle and the immediate surgery, all of which I am in the process of writing in great detail as therapeutic work.  More of note is the inner process that has been accelerated due to the whirlwind destruction of my bodily innocence and the surrender required to allow other people to help you when you are accustomed to surviving on your own. 

I have always been a very strong and healthy person, having very few accidental injuries in my life, relegated to the occasional burn or cut. Even in my rash of car accidents in my barely-present early twenties, I walked away without even a bruise.  Never having broken a bone or been to the hospital except for birthing Jess and a small cut that required stitches when I was 11, this accident ‘broke’ my vision of myself as invulnerable.  The healing at physical, emotional, mental and spiritual levels that is unfolding inside me through this event is profound.  To me, that’s the juicy stuff; to me, this is where the magic is.

My rigidity in my life has held me up when there was no one else to do it; my parents were actively abusive alcoholics, and there was no safe place for me to be vulnerable.  I had to get tough to make it through my childhood, and I took that toughness with me into my growing life, perceiving through my filters of experience that the world was not a safe place.  Of course, as a result of that filter being in place, I helped create more of that belief, which reinforced my toughness.  Over time, my heart has closed except to those who have proven that I can trust them.  My tests, although unconscious, are rigorous and thorough…my tests weed out those who might make a passing grade from the die-hards.  Only those who truly and passionately love me unconditionally make it through my inner gauntlet.  I am civil to the others, but they will never know the real me, as I don’t trust them to treat me with respect and safety.

And I put myself on the line in these tests; I share myself and make myself vulnerable, then watch what they do with what I have given to them.  Some show me their trustworthiness right away by not being able to hear what I am sharing, or rejecting it outright.  Others are a little “craftier”…they listen and appear to treat my sharing with tenderness and care, but later use it against me.  I give the gift of myself to those who do not deserve my trust to prove to myself that they aren’t trustworthy.  It is a back-asswards pattern of behavior learned when a child cannot trust the two people she depends on to keep her safe in the world.  This event has brought this pattern into clear light, for which I am grateful. 

I now have a bionic ankle, complete with “golden” plate and six “golden” screws (the golden is in my mental picture so that I can accept and make friends with the foreign objects in my body).  I must remain “no weight bearing” for 8 weeks, at which point I will begin to learn to walk again.  In the mean time, I hobble around on crutches and spend a lot of time with my foot up on the couch.  Well, I was complaining about not finding the time to write…now I am writing more than ever.  The insights are coming so thick and fast I can scarcely write them all down. 

And so, in moments of extreme grace and clarity, I am actually grateful that this has happened.  Oh, I have my moments of feeling like a victim, feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry and sad….but all of those are indications of a deeper healing in myself that can occur, if I am just willing to follow the pointers to the place inside where acceptance and insight abound.   

Thank you, my right ankle, for making this sacrifice in service to the whole of me, my inner and outer community.  Like our indigenous ancestors did in holy ceremony, you offered flesh to show how willing you were to put yourself on the line in order for healing to occur on the larger level.  I humbly choose to make the most of this offering! 

Spring Forth, 2001 by Amy Paloranta

I remember it so clearly….when I was 8 months pregnant with my first baby, I thought I surely could not get any bigger.  But it was not time yet, so I waited.  When I was 9 months pregnant with Jess, I thought I would pop and pondered how this watermelon-sized kid was going to make it to the outside world.  Then, overdue by two weeks and carrying an almost 10 pound baby in my belly, I was in despair because I would have to be induced.

My then-doctor gave me grave news; if I were to allow the baby to go any more than two weeks after the due date, I would most likely wind up with a cesarian.  I didn’t want that, so we scheduled Jess’ birth for January 26th.  I remember awakening early that morning and showering, feeling in an altered state and as if I were preparing myself for some ritual sacrifice.  I was so scared, having never been through the birth thing before, and having no mother there to lead me through with grace and wisdom.

Jess’ birth was hard, very hard.  After almost 12 hours of labor, we came through a bloody initation; it wound up being a medical menu experience that disempowered me and left me broken.  Thank goodness Jess made it through. 

The second time, I was going to have it very differently.  When I was pregnant with Aidan, I sought out a midwife and chose to have the birth at home in the water.  My body sought out tribal music and walking barefoot on the mud.  I heard the voices of spirits on the wind and spoke with the swaying trees.  The parts of my soul that had been fragmented by my prior birth experience were calling to come back home.  Aidan’s birth was shaping up to be an experience of healing, of coming back together, of integration.    

But when Aidan’s due date also came and went, and I was sure I could not get any bigger, I panicked.  This baby was almost 10 pounds, too, and my midwife felt cautious about letting me go too far beyond his due date because of the traumatic birth we went through before.  She talked with us about options, each a progressive level more invasive.  She wanted to ensure success, but she also wanted to honor my soul healing process.  She told me not to worry and to wait a little longer.

I remember one day as I waddled around the house; Jess was napping, and I had a few moments to myself.  I sat down in a rocking chair and felt my worry consume me.  What was wrong with my body that it couldn’t let go of my babies on time?  Why was my body reluctant to release these children into the world?  Couldn’t I trust myself?  What did this all mean?

I found myself rocking gently, and started to cry.  As I breathed and allowed each tear to drop, I found myself repeating a quiet mantra, “Let go”.  I felt a wave of worry rise up to the surface, crest, and then flow out of me, and I came to rest inside.  When the next wave of powerlessness and anxiety came to the surface, I cried and repeated “Let go”.  I went through this cycle at least 4 or 5 times.  As I softly rocked and wept, I released my fear, over and over.

It wasn’t easy, but it helped me come to peace about how it wasn’t going to be the way I wanted it to be.  Aidan was not coming on the timeline that my mind desired.  I would have to let go and trust a larger logic.

Aidan came two weeks after he was due, too, with a little help from my midwife.  We wound up doing a cervical sweep, a gentle use of her hand in the mouth of the cervix to break the web-like strands and give the cervix the message that dilation was to begin, the least invasive of the helping methods she could offer.  I went into a picture perfect labor and was allowed to experience birth the way millions of women have before me, without medical intervention.  Aidan was born after only 4 hours of labor.  It was a magical and healing experience.

I am thinking about this now because I am having a similar feeling these days of being overdue and so ripe for the picking……but no birth yet.  It is odd to feel these feelings so acutely when I have no baby in my belly to explain away my feelings!  It is more of an inner birth, a soul birth perhaps, that is unfolding inside me.  The birth of a new life?  Yes, that’s it.  The vision I have been holding so close to my heart for many years is about to come to fruition, and it is almost time…..almost.

I have spoken with many people who feel so ready for a new life to be birthed; some of us have been working on ourselves for years in anticipation of the coming age.  Healing our old traumas, releasing past wounds, learning about and expanding our consciousness.  We feel SO ready for this birth.  But it has not been quite time yet….until now.

I felt something in the last couple of days, something akin to the cervical sweep that my midwife performed to aid my body in letting go of my second baby.  A larger, universal wave of assistance perhaps.  And now I feel as though the last stages of a very long labor are about to begin.

The family and I watched the inauguration with excitement this morning. 8:30 a.m. on the Pacific coast.  Jess said as we woke him up, “It feels like Christmas!”  I had to agree…the anticipation and exhilaration of this day feels like all goodness to me.

Hearing Obama speak has been such a learning experience for me; I am aware now that I am a serious patriot of the original intent of our country.  I have always known this to be true to some degree, but have a fuller awareness of this now. 

Perhaps my earliest recall of doing anything remotely political in nature is sitting in my grandparents’ living room in Charlotte at the age of 7 with my Aunt Wendy, who played the Fifth Dimension’s 1970 Medley: The Declaration / A Change Is Gonna Come-People Gotta Be Free, a song that puts a section of the U.S. Constitution to melody.  She played it over and over again until I memorized it and was able to sing along without looking at the words.  It instilled in me a deep and passionate understanding of those words that have continued to inspire me to this day.  Thank you, Wendy!

As a fifth grader, my class embarked on a field trip to a fort on the coast Wilmington, NC; there as we toured the swamp beyond the fort, I had a spontaneous experience of being a soldier, dying on the ground in my Revolutionary War uniform.  The feeling I had along with this surprising vision was one of pride, sadness, confusion, and being willing to die for what was right in my heart.   That was the same year I developed a sudden interest in the presidential race and campaigned heartily for Jimmy Carter, even growing peanuts in a little terracotta pot on the kitchen windowsill as a show of support. 

When I was in seventh grade, I won an award for an essay that I wrote on “Why I am Proud to be an American”.  The writing was informed by an idealistic child’s understanding, but it came from a genuine and pure love of the ideals this country was founded upon.  I remember flushing with pleasure when my seventh grade social studies class jumped to their feet in standing ovation when I read it aloud.  Apparently I’d struck a nerve. 

As an adult, my idealism has been worn down into a feeling of being jaded; my observation is that most Americans don’t think very much about the outrageous courage it took for those rebels to break away from England, and to be so very committed to their vision and true to their hearts, they were willing to risk everything.  I have not seen that most Americans, even in their robotic shuffle to the voting booth, understand the gravity of their ability to choose a leader in a peaceful manner.  ”Are they thinking about anyone but themselves?” I would wonder.  “Are they thinking about the good of the whole?”

I took to carrying a copy of the Constitution in my purse a few years ago.  I think it was in part due to my wanting to keep it closer to my consciousness, and in part to bring it out in case I was confronted by someone who did not value my right to free speech or to believe as I do.  Kind of a back-up.  I have felt threatened by our country’s past leadership, plain and simple.  I have felt my hope for a brighter future for my children dwindle with each passing year.  I have felt that I would need to take matters into my own hands in order to defend the liberties my forefathers and foremothers so bravely fought for.  I have felt an unnamable grief, one that has come to the surface now that that era is over (read more about that here).

I feel differently now.  My family and I watched the election among the company of new friends in our new location here in San Luis Obispo…the feeling of Obama being elected was like a dream come true for so many of us.  How many years have we hoped and prayed and wished for the leader at the top of our nation to shine?  How many years have we hoped for equality for all races, all religions, all beliefs?  How long have we felt injustice and unfairness and known it could be different?  It is almost as if many of us were encoded with this data, the data that would bring change to the world and launch it into its new era.

I LOVE that our new president is so well versed in the Constitution. The highest intention of our country, the principles it was founded upon….what other ideals would we want for a leader, whose sacred task is to hold true to the vision that caused this country to be born in the first place?    

Well, Obama said more than once in his inauguration speech that we are entering a New Age.  I feel that to be true.  We were so inspired this morning that my family had a little ceremony in which we chose to consciously align in the new administration’s efforts.  We asked to know how we can be of service to the noble goals of Obama’s leadership, to be shown the ways we can assist the Whole of our country to be the sparkling model of freedom that it can be.