I debuted my art show last night, “The Journey of the Masculine through Shadow and Light” at my studio here in Tallahassee.  A part of the installation was a story that I channeled that morning and printed up, placing it underneath the 50 images that comprised this show.  I believe I was guided to make this art and to bring through this story in order to create a book.  However, I want to share The Story with you now. 

“Once upon a time, there was peace. 

The Masculine principle desired to expand its knowing of itself.  It began by making choices; these choices compressed All of Creation, towards the end of the Masculine knowing itself. 

The compressions resulted in the Masculine principle fracturing the world.  Manifestations included the subjugation of nature and the Masculine principle’s partner, the Feminine. 

In coming to know itself, the Masculine revealed the need for balance. 

All of Creation supported, in love, the Masculine’s desire to know itself.  All of Creation was in agreement with the expressions of the out-of-balance world that the Masculine created.  So, when the time came to correct the imbalance, the Feminine stepped in to bring balance. 

The Feminine principle held the space within which the Masculine began to mend the fractures.  The Feminine invoked the powers of balance to assist in the mending.  The return created a stirring in the hearts of humankind, which opened a door to a side of themselves they had forgotten. 

The return of the Feminine created a choice – to continue in the imbalance, or to embrace a new wholeness.  The choice became more and more apparent as the worlds collided; friction, the result of two coming together to become one, was the medium to invoke the choice. 

The friction became so prevalent as to capture All of Creation’s interest.  Spectators and supporters attended the Great Re-Balancing; across the farthest reaches The Story was felt and held.  The love that emanated from All Creation provided an alchemical support which increased the intensity of the friction. 

The increased friction acted like sandpaper, destroying old patterns.  Cleansing and re-ordering became the way of life.  The new wholeness was achieved through the union of the Feminine and the Masculine principles. 

Balance again reigned.”

What was interesting to me was that this channeled story has a happy ending, as if from a larger perspective, all of the pain and suffering that has resulted from the break between the masculine and feminine were just part of the “play”, and that in the end it really is just experience. 

However, the 50 images I was guided to create tell a different story…in graphic detail, I was shown over and over the fracturing and the pain and subjugation mentioned in The Story, yet there was no happy ending in the 50 images.  I was told that the human version of the story is told by the images, and that we’re not at the end yet.

I was so grateful for the considered questions and responses that folks had.   One man whispered quietly to me, “Thank you for not blaming the men for everything.”  It broke my heart, and made me glad I have access to another version of the story.

A flood of work is coming through me, and it seems to be very much in examination of the dynamic between the feminine and the masculine, both within each of us and in the collective whole.  I am beginning to see that part of my soul’s desire on the earth is to bring healing to the masculine through the embodiment of the Sacred Feminine.  I am brought to tears with this knowing. 

all contents copyright Licia Berry, 2010

Along the lines of self love and ceasing the habit of judging ourselves, I love what Joseph Bruchac writes in his wonderful book, Our Stories Remember. 

He speaks of a conversation with a friend who asks him if he is carrying around any guilt.  When Joe answered no, he didn’t think so, his friend said, “Brother, that’s good…One of my (Cheyenne) elders asked me once what you should do with a cup of water that is not good to drink.”  He then made the motion of pouring liquid from a cup out onto the ground.  

This is a great story and illustration of what to do with those old thoughts and feelings that are not helping us live our lives in a joyful way.  There comes a time when it is more supportive to let go of something than to hang on.  By pouring out the stagnant contents of your cup, you are then able to hold it out empty and fill it with something life affirming!

I was drawn to the Star card as I was thinking about pouring water on the ground and how that relates to the New Moon (which was on Monday) and the Spring Equinox (which is on Saturday).  Interestingly, I found references to all of the energy I am encountering right now:

“With Aquarius as its ruling sign, The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench the Querent’s thirst, with a guiding light to the future.” Source: http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/star.shtml

And may I suggest, with Spring Equinox around the corner, that we dream and imagine and visualize the future that fills us with peace?

A Self Love Ritual

If you’ve been looking for a way to create a new spark in your relationship with yourself, a love ritual might be just the idea for you! 

Try this exercise: light a candle in a quiet room where you won’t be interrupted.  Invite your highest aspects in to the ritual to assist you (whoever you feel they may be…use your words….highest teachers, masters, angels, Source, etc.) 

Read this passage excerpted from the bible, and while reading it, feel as if the words are written for you (they are).  Imagine you are reading this to yourself, who is sitting across the flame from you.  Feel the words go into your heart.

“Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.”
-I Corinthians 13:4-8

Can you allow yourself to feel this great love for you?  Are you open to the possibility that when these words were spoken by the master Jesus, that he was indeed speaking about loving yourself unconditionally? 

Notice the feelings that come up while you read this to your Beloved Self.  What beliefs do you hold about yourself that prevent you from experiencing this kind of love?  Write them down.  Then, in this ceremonial space, set the intention to release those beliefs.  Breathe deeply with each intention to seat it in your body.  You may even want to burn those pieces of paper with the old, outdated beliefs written on them.  Then, to replace those outdated beliefs, you can set intentions to:

*Love my self unconditionally

*Experience and embody the unconditional love that I truly am

*Allow the flow of unconditional love from Prime Source to flow through me and radiate outwards to all I come in contact with

*See myself as Angelic Consciousness and Prime Source see me, and Love myself as they love me

Close the Love Ritual by thanking your Beloved Self/Prime Source/ Angelic Consciousness/all of your helpers for guiding you.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

-Buddha

You are a miracle. You have within you incredible power and beauty. Your inner power and beauty give you the freedom to find success (however you define it), peace, love, self-confidence, and the joy of aliveness.  It is your birthright to experience life and its deepest satisfactions.

In making those choices every day to love ourselves as we would love our child or our tenderest lover, and taking action to do sweet things for ourselves, we literally change our reality.  We feel more at peace in the world, we attract more joyful opportunities and intersections, we draw more love into our lives, and life becomes the miracle it was intended to be (and it really is!)

“i found god in myself

& i loved her

i loved her fiercely.”

- Ntozake Shange

So how do we joyfully surrender to loving ourselves unconditionally?

The quickest path to self love that I know is to decide it.  What I mean by that is to consciously choose to love myself.  One of the intentions I speak every day is “I choose to love my self unconditionally, and I ask my angel team to help me do that.”  Then I follow up with choices that support that intention, such as being kind to myself in little ways, smiling into my eyes in the mirror, and laughing.  For example, when faced with a choice to watch a scary movie or a funny one, I ask myself “which is more loving to me in this moment?” and most often I choose the funny one.  I feel better after laughing than I do after jumping out of my skin!

I also take myself out on “dates”.  I insist on alone time because it helps to ground and center me (this can be challenging as a member of a family of four!)  And I have begun to “court” myself…..I wear things that make my body feel good or that make me feel sexy, like something soft or with a plunging neckline, maybe pick out some extra-fancy jewelry (instead of my usual practical kind) and then I look in the mirror and say ”Ooooh baby, you are looking good tonight!”  Just the other night I was in the hot tub with my husband and surprised myself totally by kissing myself on the shoulder.  Out of nowhere!  It was completely unconscious!  I guess those self-love messages are really getting through!  I crack myself up.

I have heard that Queen Latifah made a promise to herself that she would not marry anyone until she married herself first.  She had very positive and strong female role models when she was growing up and therefore had the reflection of loving eyes and sweet encouragement.  She knows she is precious.  She loves herself so much that she bought herself a wedding ring and put it on her right ring finger, a symbol of how she chose to wed herself before wedding any other.  WOW.  Unapologetic, passionate, fierce devotion to self.  Can’t mess with that!

When you think about it, on this earth we are all we’ve got. Yes, for a time we may have a beloved in a relationship, or children to dote on, or friends to laugh with, but we know that things change and that we are left with our own precious self in the end.  Therefore, speaking practically, it is a good investment to start loving yourself NOW!

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”

-Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900

What does Self-Love mean?

Does it mean you get to eat ice cream every night just because you want it?  Well, sure, as long as you love the possible consequences of that choice!  Sometimes the choices we make are out of a place of NOT loving ourselves.  Are you making choices out of self love or self loathing?

Just as a lack of self-love has a vibration, so does unconditional self-love. It has a quiet, steady radiance which draws others to its light.  I define self-love as a deeper, quieter love; that you hold yourself in the way you would hold a baby or your sweetest lover…so tenderly.  And this is because you realize that you truly are a Child of the Universe, and the Lover of the Sacred.

And we aren’t talking halfway here!  Unconditional love is true love, love without limitations, conditions, or reservations.  This means loving ALL aspects of yourself, not just the ones that are “nice”, or more “spiritual”, or “attractive”.  You learn to love every aspect of yourself, even the ones you might think of as “negative”.  The universe is full of the balance of positive/negative, dark/light, up/down, hot/cold…..it is the nature of things to have balance, and all things that exist are here for a reason, including all of the aspects of YOU.  Any unloved aspects of the self will cry out for love in ways that can keep you bound to the inner and outer drama.

But if we aren’t taught to love ourselves, how do we begin to turn the tide and feel genuine caring for all parts of ourselves?  Self-love doesn’t happen by luck or the grace of God. You have to choose to create it. Some things that I choose to remember are:

* Knowing that I am more than my physical body…I am very clear that I am an infinite being who chose to come here for the fabulous experience of playing and creating in physical reality.  I love my physical existence and the opportunity to be here in this life.

* Knowing I am a powerful co-creator.  I have the power to choose, and this power is both the greatest responsibility I have and the greatest opportunity.

* Knowing that I am always in process and always becoming.  I honor where I am in my process without judgment.

* Knowing that my feelings are powerful indicators of what I am creating, and therefore valuable information.  I treasure my feelings and I respond to them with reverence.   They are indeed part of my inner guidance system.  I honor my feelings and act from them, even if it means setting a limit with someone or saying “no”.

 Part 3 tomorrow…A SELF-LOVE Ritual

“I don’t like myself, I’m CRAZY about myself!”

-Mae West, 1892-1980

I wonder what the world would be like if we all felt this way?  If we could all say genuinely, without reservation, “I am crazy about myself!”

If you are one of the fortunate people who already understand and implement the powerful choice to love yourself and enjoy the vast benefits, then you are ahead of most of humanity on the learning curve.

But many of us recoil in horror at the thought.  “That would be egotistical!” “I would be embarrassed to say that.”  Or, “That would be selfish and arrogant!”  We were certainly not taught to love ourselves; in fact most of us were taught to put love of others over love of ourselves, and this is why we see the pain that is prevalent.  It is truly not possible to love others from a place of non-love for self.  If everyone loved themselves, it would be a very different world.

What if I were to challenge that voice inside that rejects the idea of self love by saying that the universe is literally made of love?  Do you doubt it?  What other force but love could explain the sheer generosity that made everything?  What other force but love could cause the grass to grow effortlessly, and the sun to shine every day, and the infinite diversity of consciousness that sprawls all over the universe?  You are Source energy!  How is it possible that you could be unlovable?  Grass does not doubt itself and slump over, refusing to grow, and a flower does not feel self loathing and decide it is not worthy to shine its face to the sun.  All there is….is love….or the rejection of it.  How are you rejecting love in your life?  What better place to start to see love in the world than inside ourselves?  How could we possibly have any effective measure of influence on the love in the world if we don’t love ourselves first?

And what if I were to take that a step further and tell you that to truly love everyone else, you MUST take care of yourself first, otherwise you have nothing to give?  I love the quote from Esther Hicks when she channeled Abraham:

“Be ultimately selfless in being ultimately selfish by saying that I care so much about you that I will insist on being in my place of utter connection so that I have something to give you…..because if I do not tend to that, I do not have anything to give you, and if I do tend to that, then I have everything to give you.”

Part 2 tomorrow…So how do we joyfully surrender to loving ourselves unconditionally?

Wingapo Cheskchamay (“Welcome, All Friends” in Powhatan language)

I share this excerpt from my book with you now because I have lately struck a chord in some of my posts….there are others besides me who do not feel that they fit in, and are looking for their tribe.

Being “lost” is a kind of dramatic tale to weave…..it appeals to many. There are certainly lots of stories in history of “lost tribes” and their tragic search to come home.

I am a prime example of this in a genealogical sense….I see no separation between what lives in my blood, what lives in my mind, and what lives in my heart…..the greatness of my spirit holds all aspects of myself within its hands.

However, I choose that my having been “lost” has brought me many gifts and learnings, and that in the end, I have not been “lost” at all.

An excerpt from “The Blue Eyed Indian”
By Licia Berry www.liciaberry.com
Copyright 2008

Outer Banks of North Carolina

“My European ancestors were among the first to arrive at the remote barrier islands of what is now called North Carolina’s Outer Banks. In the 1500’s, the islands were alive with the Croatoan Indian hunters and fisherman who scoured the maritime forests and the rich waters for bountiful fish and game. When the fair-skinned people with the blue eyes arrived from the giant crafts on the water, my Indian ancestors were intrigued, and being polite, welcomed the visitors to their island. They feasted together, they showed the guests their lovely island (like we would for any tourist to our home town), and eventually, some of them fell in love.

Some of the fair skinned people feathered into life with the Indians; others went north to create the English settlement of Roanoke Island. This settlement later became “The Lost Colony”, when, fearing they had been abandoned by the English and needing help to survive, they returned south to live with the friendly Croatoan Indians in what is now Buxton, NC. These are the people I come from.

When the next larger waves of Europeans would arrive to the New World a generation or two later, they wrote with their quill pens in their journals of the peculiar “Blue Eyed Indians” they encountered along the North Carolina coast.

As more Europeans arrived, the goodness of the land on the Outer Banks was coveted for its rich resources and its location as a close ally to the ports in Virginia. The Indians began to feel the conflict that these fair skinned people brought into their midst. Skirmishes broke out, and eventually, the fair skinned people overtook the islands that had been occupied by Indians for 10,000 years.

Outer Banks Indians fishing on Pamlico Sound

The blue-eyeds among the Indians had a choice to make; were they white, or Indian? They would lose their lands on the island if they sided with their red-skinned kin….Would they survive if they sided with their European blood? For some, the call to explore the blood of their parents or grandparents, those who had come from far across the waters, brought a certain sense of longing, and they stayed with the whites. A few elected to go with the tribes, who retreated inland to nurse their wounds and to make plans about how to carry on. Some went north to now Virginia to be absorbed into the great Powhatan nation; others remained in the woods and wetlands of inland coast and eventually disappeared into the trees with their culture. The Croatoan had lost their best fishing grounds, lost many of their children and suffered humiliation after opening their arms and hearts to these fair-skinned people. But those who were part Indian, those who elected to stay with the Europeans, lost the precious knowledge and support of their Indian culture.

Generations of Europeans came to the Outer Banks and settled on this wild coast, making their living fishing those waters once enjoyed by the Powhatan, and scavenging off of the hundreds of ships that floundered on the Diamond Shoals, earning the nickname “The Graveyard of the Atlantic”. My father’s side of the family still remains on this remote outpost, miles off the mainland of our country. They speak in a soft brogue that reminds of me of Scotland, England and a faint tongue that is lost, the language extinct except for a few words. They are stoic and stubborn, refusing to leave the island when hurricanes bear down on the fragile sands. They also don’t like to admit that they are part Indian.

In fact, I didn’t know that we had any Indian blood until I was in my thirties, when a rebellious aunt whispered to me of our history. I have observed a bigotry and arrogance in some of these noble Hatteras people, as if they are better than every one else, perhaps because of what they have survived as they eke out their livings in this harsh place. I have never understood this stubborn need to protect our “heritage” as all-European (or, all white as they would say). Perhaps when they were forced to make the decision to be “white” in order to keep their homes and land on Hatteras Island, a psychic door closed on any other possibility.

But I was different.

All of my life the spirits of the wind, the water, the rocks and trees and earth have spoken to me. As a child, I was a wild nature girl; tangled hair and dirty face were my costume….I fought taking baths and showers, preferring to remain sister to the dirt. In frustration and in answer to my defiant nature, my mother chopped all my hair off at age 6. I tried to get lost in the woods and never could, because I knew the way home. The animals were my guides and messengers. The forest whispered of its love for me. The universe supported me, and Nature was my friend.

Yet, I was so different than the family who surrounded me. I didn’t fit; when I spoke of the subtle energy that I tapped into, I was ignored or strongly corrected. I wasn’t hearing and sensing and seeing those things; I was making things up. I got quieter about my feelings, but they never went away. Under the protection of the dense brush and out of sight of my elders, I performed ceremonies to honor dead birds or lizards that I found, to listen to and guide the ghosts that needed help to find their way home, to dance with all of creation as my cohort in life. No one had taught me these things; I just knew how to do them. And then came my initiation into the shamanic world….”

To be continued….

A Blue Eyed Indian

They say in therapeutic settings that we always confront and heal what’s easiest first.  For me, first was to confront the sexual abuse, then to confront my father, and to reclaim my sexuality, my feelings of safety in the world, and my power (and probably will continue to for the rest of my life).  Harder for me was confronting that my mother knew what was going on and did nothing to stop it; that betrayal has been harder to bear. 

Over the 21 years that I have been doing active consciousness and healing work, I have made great strides.  Most recently, in the last 4 years or so I have had the most amazing sense of relationship with the Divine Feminine, or Great Mother as I have called her.  It was my decision to actively cultivate this relationship and even embody Her on earth, to really fully claim my Feminine Self.  It has been challenging at times because this meant confronting and feeling the pain of what my biological mother did to me.  I realized that there is a direct relationship between my relationship with the Sacred Feminine and my feelings about myself as a woman, as well as how I feel nurtured in this world.

These last few years of choosing to embody the Great Mother or Sacred Feminine has been utterly delicious at times….I have distinctly felt Her grace and presence in my life, and I feel how different Her energy feels than the energy of the masculine or angels or Source energy.  There is indeed a distinct quality of energy that permeates the feminine principle.

I was under the impression that if I embodied the Divine Feminine, I would be providing a great service to the Whole as well as providing a wonderful service to myself.  I had always felt that masculine and feminine balance needed to happen in everyone, but for some interesting reason, I did not give a lot of thought to integrating my own Divine Masculine.  

It seemed that things were going swimmingly when I broke my ankle in February of this year (my right, masculine ankle in my case).  My ability to embody Great Mother came in very handy, as my inner immature masculine was very, very grumpy about the ankle breaking and being forced to sit still.  I realized I had used movement and busy-ness to distract me from feeling the painful feelings of my powerlessness as a child (and even as a baby, I am coming to find out).  When I was forced to “sit down and be quiet” for a solid 8 weeks, it provided the opening for me to discover that I had some work to do to heal my inner masculine.

Fast forward to today, when my ankle is mostly healed, I am getting around to some degree, and living a happy life in a new town, surrounded with beautiful family and friends who support me.  I had the most lovely invitation to attend a beach retreat as the resident writer (I am writing an article for the hosts that will be used to market their business), and looked forward to the time with women on the beach with nothing to do except pay attention to my needs and inner life.

One of the activities available to us was to walk a labyrinth that had been constructed on the beach.  My second full day in attendance, I was relaxed and happy, and went out on the beach that sunny morning to do some intuitive movement and breath work.  As I listened and deepened my inner awareness, I noticed that in my body’s experience and my inner vision, I picked up my self as a little girl, and she whispered in my ear “You are such a god mom.”  This delighted me to no end, as I have had a tough time convincing her that I would be a good mother to her!  I smiled and allowed this lovely experience to permeate me, then I felt the prompt to walk the labyrinth. 

As I stood at the opening, I prayed to experience my inherent wholeness.  I was in a very happy place and did not feel the need to initiate any healing process as per my usual stance.  As I walked, I hummed to myself as I felt my inner little girl integrating into me even more than she had before.  When “we” got to the center, I waited in silence for several minutes.  I could not discern anything in particular in terms of a course of action or intention, so I just paused there.  I definitely felt I was at the center of some womb space, far from the outer world of the beach and sun and sound of the surf.  The insulated quality of being inside the labyrinth was reflected in my mind and heart as I listened deeply for any sign of message or instruction. 

I did not feel anything in particular except great, great joy, so began to move out of the labyrinth’s center.  I got a few steps away when I noticed in my mind’s eye that there was a little lump of a person in the center.  I continued to walk forward, not really thinking much about it, when I felt distinctly I was to STOP.  When I get a strong “STOP” message, I am learning to do it on a dime.  I paused, and as I listened, I was told to go back to the center and “pick him up”. 

Him?  When I looked back at what had been a little lump of a person, I saw now that there was a dejected looking little boy in the center of the labyrinth.  Perhaps 3 or 4 years of age, he looked so sad and so lifeless, like he had no energy in him at all.  I was puzzled, but my maternal instinct took over, and I walked back into the labyrinth’s center to be with this mysterious little boy.  I sat there with him for a little while, me next to him on the sand.  He did not look at me except occasionally with a sideways look out of the corner of his eyes…he made no contact and did not speak in any way to me.  As I sat there, I had the distinct feeling that I was to pick him up and carry him out of the labyrinth.  I still did not understand at that point who he was or why I was to help him, but I did lift his limp body into my arms and carry him out of the labyrinth into my life with me.       

I have been carrying this little boy ever since.  I have learned since that day when I was so puzzled about the arrival of this boy that he is a personification of my inner masculine.  Thwarted very early in my life from expressing my power and will, this aspect of myself was arrested and has been in a de-powered state ever since.   In his de-powered but frightened state, he would holdup his fists sometimes, perceiving the whole world to be a threat, and other times he would just lay about and do nothing.  Another symptom of his immaturity has been to force, force, force things when instead some quiet stillness or discernment was needed.  My tendency to push myself relentlessly, as well as to analyze with my head are both outworkings of this immature masculine within.  His anger has been palpable; his rage at having his legs cut out from under him, being belittled and made to be still for unspeakable atrocities have made him a very mad little boy.   The fact that I did not know to acknowledge him within myself for all of these years might have added to his feelings of being so alone in the world.  So focused on my womanliness and my embodiment of the Divine Feminine, I did not see that what was even more broken inside of me was my own inner masculine.   

As the weeks have gone by, he has begun to show signs of life.  The more I get to know him and acknowledge him, the perkier and more animated he becomes.  He is looking at me now, and talking to me sometimes, too.  I am working with “him” every day, listening for guidance about how to support him, to heal him, to help him grow up.  My dreams of tiny babies, just inches long, being lost in my pocket or in a drawer have evolved into dreams of laughing baby boys that are able to morph into full grown teenagers, with full awareness of and delight in their remarkable evolutionary process.  My dreams, messages from my subconscious, are telling me he is healing. 

The pain I have felt as I opened this door into my consciousness has been very real and very intense.  There are days when I am hurting inside so much it feels like leaving the house is too much.  I have also doubted my sanity; in all the years I have done this hard work to reach into and heal the darkness within me, I have always been able to hold myself above the swirling dark waters of my feelings of rage and powerlessness.  A dip into the madness here and there, but never complete immersion…a coping mechanism, to be sure.  I keep reminding myself that I would not be feeling the intensity of the pain if I were not strong enough to do so. 

 And then today, there is light.  Despite the grey skies and downpour of heavy rain here in the panhandle of Florida as a tropical storm passes its eye over us, I feel some sense of a phase completed.  A very dark cloud which has been over me for some time is lifting, and I feel my life coming together in new ways.  A return of my joy, but deeper and more grounded this time.  A sense of wanting to DO in concert with the BE parts of me.  The little boy is now a teenager…he will periodically be a baby or a toddler or an adolescent again, I imagine.  But the evidence shows me that he is growing and learning that he is safe and loved.  Hallelujah. 

I am once again reminded how miraculous we all are in our unique processes, and have a humble, deeper sense of love and appreciation for myself and All of Creation.

Hiding

I had a conversation recently on FaceBook that was prompted by Former President Jimmy Carter’s statement that the root of much of the violent opposition and derision towards President Obama is based in racism.  It was a risky thing to talk about, surely, in that it is a controversial topic and a particular hot button here in the south where I grew up.

One of the very thoughtful responses that I received was a rejection of that statement by Mr. Carter and a concern that when we make broad statements such as Mr. Carter did, we are in fact projecting our own biases onto other people.  I felt this was a worthy consideration.  Here is my response to that response:

“Of course, you raise a wonderful point.  There is no one answer to the dilemma of why we behave in hurtful ways as a collective, and to imply that because folks disagree with Obama they are racist is obviously over-simplifying and generalizing, which consistently seems to be a trap.

However, I do feel some truth in what Carter is saying.  Being a native southerner, I know the pervasiveness of racism (and what is called “reverse racism”, which is just racism in my book), and I DO feel it is a significant possibility that the furor over Obama that we see with SOME folks is (perhaps unconsciously) a deep outrage over the fact that he is African American. 

My point is that we, as human beings, frequently operate from places of unconsciousness.  What we are not conscious of in our own psyches still act as filters through which we perceive others, and those unconscious filters also cause us to behave in certain ways. 

The wound of racism is alive and well in some folks, perhaps especially so here in some places in the south…..but the wound can still be under the surface of their ability to know it, call it by its name, and therefore heal it so that it can be released as an issue in their lives. 

I tend to think of unconscious things in my own life as “ghost drivers” that sometimes hijack the train of my life…if I am not aware of them, I can’t predict when they will show up to cause a train wreck.  If I AM aware of them, they dissolve into the light of my consciousness.

If, by second guessing, you mean having inner reflection capabilities, I would say that there is a balance between being neurotic about doubting very single thing you say or feel or do…and a healthy self reflective process in which we thoughtfully examine our motives and intentions. 

My personal intention is to walk that thin line of balance; of course, I stumble either way of that line….but the line is my center point and I hope and pray its gravitational pull will not let me stray far from it!”

In further reflection (which is what I just love about these kinds of civil conversations-they really make me think), I think it is a very astute observation that we can easily point to racism (or any other unconscious thought pattern or behavior) in others and not yet be claiming it in ourselves. 

I have experienced being annoyed with the way someone is disorganized in something they do, and not “owned” my own lack of organization or focus.  And I have experienced being projected upon, in which someone else was asleep to their own darkness or insanity and projected that onto me.  Of course, in some instances, such as what Hitler projected onto Jews, not claiming one’s own darkness can lead to violent, hurtful or even fatal consequences.

We can also project onto folks that inspire us….we might know some fabulous woman who just seems so together, so intelligent, so savvy…and just marvel at her abilities.  But some of what we are most enamored with about her might actually be something inside of us that we are not claiming.

It is easier to see those traits that both annoy and delight us in others, both positive and negative, before seeing them in ourselves. 

This is, I feel, the nature of consciousness; waking up to ourselves and recognizing those things about ourselves that we project onto other folks…then, once we wake up to them, we can examine whether those things are a fit for our highest potential in our lives.

Licia at age 4

I’m undergoing a change of epic proportions…I’m happy.

After many years of not knowing who I was, and therefore looking outside of myself to get the answer to that question…..leading to choosing to be in community with others that were not a great match for me, I am finally finding myself very at home. 

I am seeing now that I was getting closer to being with people that were an accurate reflection of my authentic self.  Back in 2001, after 9-11, when I got a very clear message to stop hiding out as a healer, I attracted some very special people.  Just a handful, but notably important and unusual nonetheless.  Then we took off for the long journey into the hinterlands.

Now, in 2009, I am in the right place at the right time, and have let go of so much programmed thinking, thus uncovering my authentic self.  And, this bright shiny flower wants to PLAY.

This has led me to think a lot about the ways in which human beings become indoctrinated into being someone they are not. 

Reflecting on how I felt as a small child (which I remember as if it were yesterday-I hear that lots of people don’t remember their childhoods, and I find that sad), I knew who I was.  I was independent, capable, resilient, curious, and observant.  I remember feeling these things about myself.  I believe that I was feeling my soul, my essence at a core level.  It was only after I got reflections from people in power that those things were undesirable that I started to feel bad about myself, like who I was at the core was a bad person.  So I started to doubt, and that consistent undermining of my concept of self cost me a pretty penny.

What I’m discovering is that the more I have been willing to be open to self examination…even when painful or unflattering…the more able to recognize the constructs that I internalized due to my desire to please and to my desire to survive in the nuthouse.  And when I can recognize them, then I have the opportunity to choose whether they are still a fit for me, or whether they are holding me back. 

Sometimes, I will choose to alter a construct to be a better fit for me, rather than throw it out completely.  Such as the construct that being polite to all people is nice.  Not all people deserve my politeness, or my niceness.  I have discovered at the age of 44 that some people are assholes, and that’s just the way it is.  So I adapted this one to “be polite until shown the need to be otherwise.”   It has been hard, but when someone treats me with disrespect, I feel more ability to stand up for myself and recognize that they are the one with the problem, not me.  It feels like growing up to come to this awareness, and to consciously incorporate it into my life.

Over the years of this kind of self-examination and application, I am getting clearer and more frequent glimpses of who I was as a child.  I feel the natural joy and wonder that I felt then, more and more often.  I feel safer in the community I am choosing to be around, because they are the kind of people that appreciate me for who I really am. 

I have a strong intention, borne of longing, to live in authentic expression of my soul.  Perhaps this came out of feeling lost in the world for such a long time, searching for my real self and for permission to be her.  I am learning that the permission that I need to secure is my own…I am who I am, and coming into acceptance of who I am is freeing up so much energy and happiness in my days. 

Seriously, I knew that having resistance expended energy…I have been preaching that one since I went professional energy engineer in 2001.  And I have made little adjustments here and there in my own energy field, choosing to surrender to flow rather than to fight it. 

But this one…this big letting go of resistance to being who I am….it is freeing up so much of my chi that I can scarcely believe it.  I had no idea how much of my creative juices and my, well, just sheer JOY was wrapped up in me fighting myself.  And when I am fighting myself, you can bet that I am feeling defensive against the world, and projecting onto every face of reality that it is against me.  Which creates it’s own stew of conflict and unhappiness.

Do you ever feel like you are up against a wall inside of yourself?  Like you can’t get past that last obstacle, or through a ceiling you can’t see?  That’s what I experienced, and the wall was my own resistance to being who I am….out of fear that I would not be accepted by others.  Turns out it was my own acceptance that was truly needed. 

What’s the worst that can happen?  I found the worst that I could imagine was the unnamed fear that drove me to sell myself out was that I was afraid I would be annihilated.  Killed, physically, sure…like all those lifetimes of being burned, disemboweled, beheaded, drowned, murdered in front of my children, etc.  But there was a deeper fear …the annihilation of being rejected and unloved by the source of my life…my parents….. and then ultimately, God/dess.  That’s the fear worse than death.  To be rejected by that which made you, what could be worse than that?

My sense is that fear is the motivator for us to do something so dire as to choose to stop being who we are in favor of who someone else wants us to be.  I think it’s worth examining those fears, and facing them to see if we can deal with them.  Sometimes, it is about confronting what we are most afraid of, and accepting that it is something we must inevitably face, such as death.  Other times, I have found that the fear is bigger than the reality, and sometimes the fear is just plain untrue.

I wonder….if folks could remember what it felt like to be a child, before all the indoctrination set in, if they could get a sense of their authentic self.  Do you remember being a child?  Were you self reflective?  Do you remember feeling your life, what it felt like to be in the world?  Who were you?  What were you like?  Perhaps there are clues there about your own soul, and who you really are.

I fantasize about what kind of a world this would be if we all were in loving acceptance of ourselves.  Can you imagine if we were all at peace with who we are?  No inner torture, no self doubt, no cutting our own self off at the knees just before we succeed…wow, what would that feel like?  Would we feel the need to make war on each other?  To judge each other can call each other names?  To create whole institutions and organizations and religions that say the others are wrong?

And may I humbly suggest that who you really are is sooooooo perfect?  That it is who you came here to be?  That the world needs you just as you really are?  And that if you are pretending to be someone else, you are doing us all a disservice because what we really need and want is the REAL you? 

“Re: CRAZY-I think I allow myself to go into my darkness more than most other people do. I think true craziness happens when we try to keep ourselves up above the surface of our own darkness and eventually it claims us because it is PART of us and therefore must be claimed.

In my moments of doubt, I hear my parents’ critical voices calling me a liar, or that I’m making things up….and other extended family voices, who reject me or call me crazy in subtle, socially acceptable ways.

That fear is there because I DO feel crazy sometimes, and I define that as when I feel so much inside that things don’t make sense.

When I am NOT in doubt, in the grip of my ego, I know that sometimes things don’t make sense to our MINDS, but they make sense to our Soul and Spirit and Body and the larger Whole. So, when that uncomfortable feeling comes up, I try to trust that it is temporary and that there is some larger purpose going on that leads to wholeness and awareness. And self love.”