Posts Tagged ‘soul’

Relationship with Nature as a Step Towards Healing our Fear for Our Survival

My last entry scared even me….why would my inner guidance urge me to write about the fear for our survival that seems to be permeating even those of us devoted to bringing sweet thought to humanity?  Am I adding to the fear by talking about it?

I am soooooo Jungian in that I know that if something exists and I try to pretend it’s not there, it won’t make it go away.  It just makes it scarier.  Don’t you remember screwing up your courage to face the monster in the closet, and when you flew open the door and saw the closet was empty of the horrible visage you imagined, you felt a sense of how silly it was that you’d worried so much?  I find this now when I am thinking through a conflict that needs to be resolved with another adult…in my mind, it can be much worse than it actually turns out to be in real life.

I wonder if this is might be an appropriate metaphor for the immense concerns we have about the plight of humanity via the earth’s climate change, pollution, environmental distress, etc.  Some folks are yelling it from the rooftops because they feel that some others aren’t listening; and others are sticking cotton in their ears and pretending climate change is not happening. 

I’m not here to argue with anyone about climate change.  I am not a scientist or environmentalist or someone with an education about the many eons of history that this earth has been through.  All I can speak from is my own experience. 

My experience is this: when I was a child, I LOVED nature.  I was outside so much of the time, playing in the dirt under the sky, climbing trees, trying to get lost in the woods (never could).  I felt the eyes of the trees on me, felt the support of the ground under me, felt the love of the sun and the moon kissing me.  Nature was an every day friend, a trusted companion, a silent, neutral and accepting partner that had no agenda with me.   

No, the trees did not have a mouth like I did, but they “spoke” to me nonetheless.  No, the rocks and mountains did not have eyes like me, but they “saw” me nonetheless.  I felt seen, heard, accepted, respected as a daughter of this world.

And I have always felt that every aspect of creation has a consciousness.  It may look very different from what we think of as human intelligence…maybe not a brain that looks like ours, maybe not thinking linear thoughts like we do.  But there is for sure an intelligence that keeps things running in crazy orchestrated balance that nature performs every moment of every day since the beginning of time.

The presence of Nature that I felt loomed large…it encompassed me, surrounded and held me, cared about me, interacted with me.  It did not hurt me, unlike those other humans.  Nature was a host of other beings, entities, creatures that co-inhabited this earth with me.  Humans were NOT the most important….we were one of the many. 

In this way, I got to know the strength of creation, to know it and to trust it.  I had a knowing of the power of Nature and this planet to do its own work, to follow its own process.  It was my knowing, and I felt very secure in this knowing, that Nature was a wise and all-powerful co-inhabitor and conductor of the planet.

I reflected on this as I sat with my previous entry, wanting to fix it, wanting to offer suggestions.  The fear that humanity won’t survive hits me in the gut, hits me where I live.  I have two children, and I am invested in seeing them live their lives and have children of their own if they wish to.  I love this earth, and I love human beings, and I want us to be able to be together in harmony.

What I realized as I was thinking about this was that I don’t spend hours and hours outdoors any more.  I sit inside and work on my computer much of the day, sandwiched in between being mom and wife, which involves going outside to get to the car (an interior environment), leaving the car to get to the store or the school or other activity, reaching another interior environment…you get the picture.  I am not abandoning myself to the great outdoors anymore.  And I am feeling that loss of relationship with Nature. 

Then I started thinking about what happens when we aren’t with someone for awhile…we forget some things about them.  Guess what I forgot about Nature….how strong and self sustaining and powerful it is.

It didn’t take long to put it together that because I am not outside walking in the woods, I have forgotten Nature’s grounded, pervasive, kick-butt survival abilities, and instead I am feeding the fear for humanity’s survival by replacing my outside time with sitting in front of my computer, where the hyped up headlines blur past me and I hear the comments of opinionated folks on FaceBook.  Oh my, the drama!

 My point here (I will get to it eventually) is that we need some more outside time.  No great surprise of earth shattering insight here.  When we cultivate the relationship with the incredible power and sustainability of Nature, we might begin to remember that it is not so fragile that it will break in two weeks.  A lack of relationship with Nature is breeding fear.  If we look our fear in the eye, and see it is not an insurmountable problems we face, we might get off our asses and do something.  And, maybe have a good time doing it.

How many of us used to run around outside when we were children, loving the feeling of being part of a larger world, and feeling safe in it?

Nature is the balm to soothe our fears.  Yes, I do believe Nature will outlive us, probably by a long shot.  But we don’t have to feel we need to overcome it, or control it, or dominate it, or plead with it not to kill us…we can feel its incredible strength as an ally instead of something to be frightened of.

And from a place of integrity and balanced relationship, we can work on the problems that threaten to wipe humanity out in a way that is not so fearful.  We can tackle the problems together.

Because we’re ALL IN IT.  Some of us believe we are more enlightened than someone else, or more religious than someone else, or more educated than someone else, or have it more figured out than someone else.  And all of that may be true!  But regardless of all of that, we are all in this together.

Mother Five by Licia Berry, 2006

I was reminded this weekend that I am a healer.  I’ve always known this, but haven’t always wanted to own it.  I think there are a lot of us out there.

I don’t have to say a word.  Just my presence, a smile, will sometimes awaken the desire in others to offer up their wounds for me to kiss.  If I offer more, such as a hug, a home cooked meal, a conversation, or god forbid an invitation to stay in my house for some days, the healing can be more wild and wooly.  But opportunity for healing nonetheless.

Healing is not always pretty.  In fact, I frequently find that healing requires that it will hurt more before it gets better.  This is true whether resetting a broken bone (OW), ripping a scab off an infected wound (OW), or re-opening a heart hurt that has been glossed over by a desire not to feel pain.

We went camping to the coast for the thanksgiving holiday here in the U.S.  There we met a lovely family while strolling on the beach.  There was an instant connection, a feeling of wanting to get to know these folks.  Conversation led to enjoyment of each other, and we got together for dinner that night.   

In a very short time over delicious food, our conversation turned to deeper heart matters, such as love, marriage, relationship, commitment, priorities, and family.  Our sharing turned very personal, very quickly.  Old hurts started pouring out as well as the tears.  For some reason, the fact of the four of us sitting together opened up a safety zone within which the swirling energies of love could stir up and cleanse what was unsaid in each of us, and healing could occur. 

I don’t find this unusual; in fact, it seems to be the way it goes most of the time.  I know from personal experience that, when the ideal factors are present, alchemy can occur.  Sometimes the chemistry in a group is not so ideal for transformation, but for another purpose.  Perhaps an example might be a social gathering that is intended for networking or making friends.  But I always hunger for the chemistry that allows true and deep opening and therefore healing to happen. Not adept at the “how about this weather” types of conversations, I seem to need to know the precious soul of a person in five minutes or less.

I hesitated several times in writing this because I don’t want to sound egotistical.  To say that I am a healer could very well incur the wrath of those who don’t understand the subtle energetic nature of healing, or those who say that healing is a dying art or not needed in the world.  To be a healer necessitates that some will not trust you.

But others can say that they are a lawyer or a gardener or doctor or a writer or a chef….so why not say that I am a healer?  I don’t pretend to understand it fully….far from it.  But, at a very basic molecular level, this is what I am.

I notice after 44 years that my good friends are pretty brave people.  Or maybe tenacious.  Or in the case of my husband, very very forgiving.  I’m intense, and not an easy person to be friends with.  There is something about my presence that reveals the wounds, makes those hurts rush to the skin and inflame the face, where the person who possesses them then has the choice to yield them to me and therefore relinquish their smallness to love, or to hang on to their construct and fight.  And interpreting their discomfort as something that I have done, they will sometimes judge me for having innately, unknowingly called the pain to the surface.  Frequently I am projected upon…as a maker of conflict, as stupid, as difficult, as fill in the blank.  It makes me think of the man who called the flounder to the water’s edge…the fish came from deep within the sea to grant the man’s wishes.  But eventually the man asked for too much, and when the wishes were taken away, he projected onto the fish as the cause for all his ills.

I don’t feel understood by many people.  I sometimes feel I am a wild force too big to be contained, and that the only safe course of action for someone who wants to be near me is to surrender.  Of course, the nature of free will beings is to resist this, even in times when their well-being may depend on it.

Perhaps it is the abundant amount of mothering energy I seem to have embodied since I was a little girl….friends in school would confide in me, seeming to know that I was a present listener.  My body has always been on the rounder side, like the Great Mother archetype…soft arms for hugging, all breasts and hips, large lips and hands for kissing and holding, long feet for holding me up and grounding me to this earth, long wild and wavy hair, and big blue eyes that seem to take you in unconditionally, pain and all.  I was born to be a Mother.

I don’t have many close friends.  I am blessed with a host of devoted readership around the globe.  I am associated with esteemed international colleagues.  I have many, many soul sisters, and a few soul brothers.  Perhaps this distant closeness that is created by the digital age is a way that I can feel my kinship with others without their having to be so close to be as to get burned by my healer’s presence.

My beloved and my two children must have souls of steel, or rather more accurately, the tensile strength of love and many, many lifetimes of soul wisdom, in order to be with me every single day.  Of course, my sons will leave someday and go into the world, and our relationship will change.  But my Beloved…goodness, the resolve it must take to love me and choose again and again to remain.

I feel best, safest, most sane when I am around others who value honesty and integrity as I do.  Who are honest with themselves about how they feel, who look their own darkness in the eye, name it, and choose to do what it takes to heal it.  It is a courageous path that many do not take.  But those are the people that I want to know in the world.

Journaling this morning….11-19-09

I’m feeling sad lately not to have an office space that is my own room.  Licia’s space, where I can work on art and writing.  Crying about it this morning.  I am told this relates to being a teenager and not having much of my own, including my own room or private space.  Of course, Peter is worried about the money, and I think of this too.  I know my writing will not yield much in the money department for a while, but have been guided to create some teleclasses and local classes, so this should pay for any office I rent.  I am told it will be March of 2010, now.

What does it mean to have a quiet, dedicated space for me to do what I want to in?  I am definitely needing to relive being a teenager and fill up that empty reservoir.  Of course, Peter is correct in citing that I have had my own space, in Asheville, in the apartment in Del Norte, and in the gallery space.  And I loved having those spaces, especially the Asheville one, because it was purely mine.  The Del Norte spaces I liked less because it was shared, and not quiet.  I can understand that he sees me needing an office or studio as unjustified spending because I don’t bring in the money.  I say this to myself every day, as a matter of fact.  What can I do for money?  Why haven’t I made money before to the extent that it supports my having a space?  Why does it have to cost my family for me to have this?

But I also think that I am coming into a new space in my life because my kids are getting older and needing me less.  Before, I always had them in the back of my mind, and if they called from school or the years I home schooled them, it was me that ran to serve, me that got interrupted, me that multi-tasked.  They have always been my top priority, and that has been as it should be.  Peter doesn’t understand this because he has been able to be away and dedicated in his job.  I know he is under so much pressure being the bread winner for our family, and I am grateful for this because it has enabled me to raise the boys and truly be there for them.

 But now, they are getting more involved in things and doing their own thing…and I am needing to have a quiet, uninterrupted place where I can leave my things, not have to move from couch to chair to bedroom, where I can walk in and out and leave projects in motion, a space that is mine alone.  Is this too much to ask for?

Perhaps that is what I have been doing with the blog and websites over these years…defiantly creating a room of my own, in which I get to be the boss, I get to decorate the walls with Kiss posters if I want, I get to have control over something that is only mine, for a change…..making my presence felt and trying to do it in ways that justify expense or my existence in the world….by trying to make money for my family, my offering services to humanity for free for years and years….what if I am allowed to do it just because I am worth it?

Today I spoke to Peter about how much I enjoyed using his home office as a dedicated space while he was gone to Colorado this last week.  Of course, my stuff needed to be moved in order for him to resume working in his office space.  I understand that.  But when I was expressing my need for my own space this morning, Peter interrupted me to argue with what I was saying, rather than to listen deeply to what I was trying to say.  Apparently, it hurt my feelings because now I am not smiling at him.

Here’s what I know: I am emerging.  I need space in which to do that.  I am always going to be the mom and wife and partner in this family, but in the few hours that I can, I need to have my own space in order to do the work I’m meant to do in this world.  For reasons that I can’t seem to logically explain, it is hard to do that in my house due to all of the interruptions and noises and distractions and things beckoning at me to complete them.  Even when I had my own office space, it had to be about building a business, and that conflicted greatly with writing, which is not a money producer for me (yet).  Plus, I was still very much mom to my boys…I did not have the mental space unoccupied that I am starting to feel freeing up now. 

NOW, I feel as though I might have a chance to have the focus and the drive and the discipline to write those books that have been hounding me every moment of my existence to be written.  It could not have been so before without it costing my family something…I feel now it would be a benefit to my family for me to get these things done.  I am a nicer person when I write, and feel better about myself when I get a chunk of writing done each day.  And it is so much more doable to do these things in a dedicated room of my own.

Here is what I want:  a big room, like a studio, or a couple of rooms…one is comfy and soft, and this is the Writing Room as well as where I would see clients.  The other is the Art Room, where I will have tables and shelves and organized bins with my art supplies in them.  I can leave art projects out on the tables because we will not have to use them to eat dinner on.  It is inviting, and yummy, the way I always decorate my spaces.  When I walk through the door, I instantly relax and take a deep breath.  It is quiet in this space…no noisy neighbors, no shared walls with a corporate office or rap music producer or a college kid with stereo.  It’s my universe, and I feel full ease and permission to be me.

Universe, please send it my way.

I was prompted in my inner guidance time this morning to write about the immense amount of subconscious process that I am going through.  I asked, “What about it, any particular theme?”  I was told, “Just tell people that it’s happening.”

Well, okay….I am now going to tell you that I am undergoing deep subconscious work, but will spare you the details of it for now (that I find so interesting).  Maybe the details will come later.

It is happening below the surface, and feels way out and big, like soul kind of work.  I am going through the motions of my day, feeling my feelings, functioning, being present to what needs to get done (I am a mom and beloved and friend and volunteer and run a household and write and, and, and….after all), but I am also doing this deep inner work right now. 

I don’t know if I am that different from other people.  I believe that we are all undergoing deep, immense change right now, whether we are aware of it or not.  I believe that there is a larger collective experience of inner limits being challenged and that this is why I see so many beautiful “falling-apart” experiences.  Sure, it’s uncomfortable, even painful when your world unhinges and things you thought were real and concrete crumble before your eyes….but I feel this is a healthy thing.  I feel we are all being freed from our inner prisons, if we will but walk out of the open doors.

Maybe what makes me a little bit different from the majority of folks is that I am aware of these energy processes going on, within and without me, and attempt to describe them.  I feel I am creating a road map of long forgotten territory, and leaving breadcrumbs for others to follow, if they so desire.  I know a very few others that are doing this, too….we feel cycles and movement and process going on, and attempt to describe what we are seeing, feeling and experiencing to the rest of the world as a service and as self preservation. 

I think about this stuff a lot; well, all the time.  My inner life is very rich, and always has been.  I was told by my good friend Madelyn Aslan, a very gifted and well known psychic, that if I wrote every minute of every day for the rest of my life I would not be able to empty out all the thoughts and awarenesses in my mind.  This feels true to me; I’d better get on the ball. 

So, I’m going to describe the process I’m undergoing right now since I was guided to, as best I can.  Bear with me. 

I feel distinctly that I am here, in my life, doing what needs to be done, smiling at people (most of the time), being out in the world…..and at the same time there is another me, much, much bigger than the me that is driving the car or going to the grocery store or having intellectual debates on FaceBook, who is conducting a grand symphony, and yet I am also all the players in it.  Do you get that image? 

I’ve had glimpses lately of what it must feel like to be the Source of All Things.  I feel myself being inclusive of so many perspectives and so many life experiences…. And understanding them.  I have felt that I was big enough to hold all of the world’s diverse life forms and their instincts, their beliefs, their habits.  Recognizing my own “Source-ness” has made me wonder if that is what we are all being challenged to do right no…to open up, to surrender our little tiny boxes that we put around us to make us feel safe, so that we can live bigger, more fulfilling, more loving lives.

Back in 2000 when my spiritual journey took a strong upturn in intensity, I had the very profound experience over a couple of years of feeling that I was unearthing something that had been buried in the earth for many thousands of years.  I had dreams of a language of light that I read in great tomes, and my voice wanted to sing languages I did not know.  My belly felt like a great black cauldron inside that was very full and wanted to express through my throat and voice and sound.  Once, I leaned against a very old oak tree on our property, and while I did I experienced making contact with the tree’s essence.  I felt it awaken underneath me, and we recognized each other…then suddenly, I saw in my mind’s eye that the tree was transmitting symbols from the ground up, in the same language of light that I had seen in my dreams.  Somehow, my being willing to be open to this was what opened the door for this information to move upward, into the light.  This was a somewhat new experience at the time for me, to be awake to a larger collective and psychic process so clearly.

A couple of years ago I had a taste of this feeling of deep subconscious process going on…it was in January of 2007 that it started, when I was first in touch with an biological Aunt that I had not been in touch with for many years.  Being in her presence initiated a cascade of what I can only describe as inner avalanches, and I tumbled down, down, down with the debris that was dislodged, settling eventually down at the bottom of the sea.

I was under this inner sea for many months…I had the distinct feeling that I was swimming at the bottom of a great ocean, exploring caves and communing with the sea creatures, many of whom became my helpers in retrieving gems buried in the sand.  The collage above is the one I made to describe that experience.  But I was living and breathing in the Upper World, the one where the sun is shining, and I was talking to people, and going about my day…..this was all occurring at the same time that a deep inner process was going on.  It reminds me of the desert, a vast dry hot and seemingly barren place, which was once a vast sea teeming with life.  What is apparent is not always what is truly going on.

My current process here at the end of 2009 feels a little different…I don’t quite have the visceral experience of being under a great sea…I feel more like I am under the earth, in some great caverns miles below the surface.  I feel the pressure of the ground above me.  It is so quiet and so still there….and dark, yes, sometimes.  I am feeling my way.  It feels like I am down here (there) moving forward with my hands outstretched, occasionally stumbling over rocks or rises in the cavern floors.  But then I will see a mysterious light around the corner or at the end of some tunnel, and it calls me, and it is my soul telling me that all is well, to rest, to trust.  I arrive into a room that is lit by a fantastic purple series of cascading lights, falling like stars, except that it doesn’t end.  The trails from these purple stars create a matrix, a kind of grid, which makes me think very much of the Great Web of life.  What does this all mean?  I am not certain, but it is a fascinating journey. 

And so, my mind wonders why I was guided to tell you all about this subterranean process happening for me.  Is it perhaps because you are wondering if you are losing your mind because you feel something happening to you too?  Because you feel the slippery slope of your old world crumbling away and you think you are alone in this experience?  Is it because you feel something deeper happening within you but don’t know what to name it?  Is it just to give you a piece of information to consider?  Is it because I am able to put some words around something that is very hard to explain?  Or is it because there are others in the world who are experiencing this thing that I am, and that I need the reassurance that I am not alone?

Do you ever get the sense something big is about to happen?  Sort of a building of energy feeling, like gears are turning…but not turning just to turn….turning because it will lead to something.

I have had this feeling today that is similar to the way I felt before I went into labor with my boys.  I noticed when I awoke spontaneously at 5 a.m. that I felt funny, very internal.  An eerie quiet, while something moved deep inside.  As if I was a very still, black lake with an ancient sea creature traversing its muddy bottom.  It is a difficult feeling to describe in words, but I can safely say ”pre-labor” is no ordinary feeling. 

As the morning progressed, I noticed I did something very bold that I have been trying to do for 5 years (I printed out some of the stories I will be publishing in my next book).  I just up and did it!  No talking myself into it, no wringing my hands, no over-analyzing.  Just pulled up 50 pages worth of my heart and printed them out on paper.

You might wonder why this is so significant.  It doesn’t seem like a big deal at all!  But it IS.

I realized today that I have safely secreted away my deepest revelations in my trusty computer (and what I didn’t, I trusted to put in my journals), but never brought them into physical form by printing them.  I kept them nice and safe in the etheric realm of my electronic gadgetry, where I could not show them to anybody.  Or publish them.

You know me, I’m a pretty intense person and a deep thinker.  I figure that I have at least 8000 pieces of writing that I “intend” to put into books stashed on my computer.  I seem to be a collector of my thoughts, and if I write them, I tell myself I doing what needs to be done.  But I am starting to see that there is another half of the equation. 

The other half is putting it out there for folks to read.  My big AHA this week has been that I actually feel that if I don’t DO anything with my writing (except offer it for free on my blog, websites, FaceBook, famous emails, articles published worldwide in several languages, etc.), then no one can criticize me for what I have written.  And certainly I won’t be a failure for not making a living being a writer.  No, if I just keep all my most fabulous work secreted away on my computer, I don’t have to take the risk of playing big.

Well, all that is getting challenged this week.  Between healing my inner masculine (my “DOING” side), revealing my beliefs about my relationship with money in my coaching group, and having the realization that I avoid DOING in order to avoid failing, there is a whole lotta shaken goin’ on. 

I actually sent an introduction piece out to a trusted friend with whom I will begin a writer’s group….she gasped into the phone, “I want to read the book.  NOW.”  Oh boy.  She wants the book NOW. 

I feel intuitively that the fire that is under me about publishing my writing is a good thing.  I feel I am being prodded by the universe (in the most supportive of ways) to get off my arse and TELL MY STORY.  I did always plan to do it, but somehow the years have ticked off and I never, well, got around to it.  I’ve been BUSY!  (ahem)

In my inner guidance this morning, I received the words, “What will it take to put your Self first?”  I can think of so many things to do that are in service to my children and family and home and hearth….as well as things that are not of service to anyone such as playing a computer game (she admits sheepishly).  But to REALLY live my life as it was intended to be lived, that is a different kind of priority.  It will require a shuffling of priorities, a greater discipline, and a very deep devotion to my truest Self to allow that life to be expressed.

I think that is what is shifting.  I think this is what’s happening in my life right now.  I’m choosing to trust that this pre-labor I feel so intently right now is going to take me into a labor of love, one that will birth the me that has been waiting to emerge.  

Licia at age 4

I’m undergoing a change of epic proportions…I’m happy.

After many years of not knowing who I was, and therefore looking outside of myself to get the answer to that question…..leading to choosing to be in community with others that were not a great match for me, I am finally finding myself very at home. 

I am seeing now that I was getting closer to being with people that were an accurate reflection of my authentic self.  Back in 2001, after 9-11, when I got a very clear message to stop hiding out as a healer, I attracted some very special people.  Just a handful, but notably important and unusual nonetheless.  Then we took off for the long journey into the hinterlands.

Now, in 2009, I am in the right place at the right time, and have let go of so much programmed thinking, thus uncovering my authentic self.  And, this bright shiny flower wants to PLAY.

This has led me to think a lot about the ways in which human beings become indoctrinated into being someone they are not. 

Reflecting on how I felt as a small child (which I remember as if it were yesterday-I hear that lots of people don’t remember their childhoods, and I find that sad), I knew who I was.  I was independent, capable, resilient, curious, and observant.  I remember feeling these things about myself.  I believe that I was feeling my soul, my essence at a core level.  It was only after I got reflections from people in power that those things were undesirable that I started to feel bad about myself, like who I was at the core was a bad person.  So I started to doubt, and that consistent undermining of my concept of self cost me a pretty penny.

What I’m discovering is that the more I have been willing to be open to self examination…even when painful or unflattering…the more able to recognize the constructs that I internalized due to my desire to please and to my desire to survive in the nuthouse.  And when I can recognize them, then I have the opportunity to choose whether they are still a fit for me, or whether they are holding me back. 

Sometimes, I will choose to alter a construct to be a better fit for me, rather than throw it out completely.  Such as the construct that being polite to all people is nice.  Not all people deserve my politeness, or my niceness.  I have discovered at the age of 44 that some people are assholes, and that’s just the way it is.  So I adapted this one to “be polite until shown the need to be otherwise.”   It has been hard, but when someone treats me with disrespect, I feel more ability to stand up for myself and recognize that they are the one with the problem, not me.  It feels like growing up to come to this awareness, and to consciously incorporate it into my life.

Over the years of this kind of self-examination and application, I am getting clearer and more frequent glimpses of who I was as a child.  I feel the natural joy and wonder that I felt then, more and more often.  I feel safer in the community I am choosing to be around, because they are the kind of people that appreciate me for who I really am. 

I have a strong intention, borne of longing, to live in authentic expression of my soul.  Perhaps this came out of feeling lost in the world for such a long time, searching for my real self and for permission to be her.  I am learning that the permission that I need to secure is my own…I am who I am, and coming into acceptance of who I am is freeing up so much energy and happiness in my days. 

Seriously, I knew that having resistance expended energy…I have been preaching that one since I went professional energy engineer in 2001.  And I have made little adjustments here and there in my own energy field, choosing to surrender to flow rather than to fight it. 

But this one…this big letting go of resistance to being who I am….it is freeing up so much of my chi that I can scarcely believe it.  I had no idea how much of my creative juices and my, well, just sheer JOY was wrapped up in me fighting myself.  And when I am fighting myself, you can bet that I am feeling defensive against the world, and projecting onto every face of reality that it is against me.  Which creates it’s own stew of conflict and unhappiness.

Do you ever feel like you are up against a wall inside of yourself?  Like you can’t get past that last obstacle, or through a ceiling you can’t see?  That’s what I experienced, and the wall was my own resistance to being who I am….out of fear that I would not be accepted by others.  Turns out it was my own acceptance that was truly needed. 

What’s the worst that can happen?  I found the worst that I could imagine was the unnamed fear that drove me to sell myself out was that I was afraid I would be annihilated.  Killed, physically, sure…like all those lifetimes of being burned, disemboweled, beheaded, drowned, murdered in front of my children, etc.  But there was a deeper fear …the annihilation of being rejected and unloved by the source of my life…my parents….. and then ultimately, God/dess.  That’s the fear worse than death.  To be rejected by that which made you, what could be worse than that?

My sense is that fear is the motivator for us to do something so dire as to choose to stop being who we are in favor of who someone else wants us to be.  I think it’s worth examining those fears, and facing them to see if we can deal with them.  Sometimes, it is about confronting what we are most afraid of, and accepting that it is something we must inevitably face, such as death.  Other times, I have found that the fear is bigger than the reality, and sometimes the fear is just plain untrue.

I wonder….if folks could remember what it felt like to be a child, before all the indoctrination set in, if they could get a sense of their authentic self.  Do you remember being a child?  Were you self reflective?  Do you remember feeling your life, what it felt like to be in the world?  Who were you?  What were you like?  Perhaps there are clues there about your own soul, and who you really are.

I fantasize about what kind of a world this would be if we all were in loving acceptance of ourselves.  Can you imagine if we were all at peace with who we are?  No inner torture, no self doubt, no cutting our own self off at the knees just before we succeed…wow, what would that feel like?  Would we feel the need to make war on each other?  To judge each other can call each other names?  To create whole institutions and organizations and religions that say the others are wrong?

And may I humbly suggest that who you really are is sooooooo perfect?  That it is who you came here to be?  That the world needs you just as you really are?  And that if you are pretending to be someone else, you are doing us all a disservice because what we really need and want is the REAL you? 

I wrote this journal entry in 2003, right before my family’s life changed drastically.  It felt appropriate to share it here and now.

Form Follows Function

A journal entry by Licia Berry

www.liciaberry.com

8-03

Who am I?  God, please tell me.  No, I mean, who am I REALLY.  I have allowed myself to be defined by others for much of my life.  Now I need to find the truth within myself.  I need to know what I am supposed to be doing with my life.  I need to narrow it down because I have signed on for too much that doesn’t feel like the right fit!

Since I was a little kid, I saw myself living in an old white farmhouse on a quiet farm or land, growing my family’s food, home schooling my children, creating a family business, and married to my one Beloved.  Leading a simple life together as a family. We would have all that we needed because we were together.  My picture of this was so solid as a little girl.  It brought me solace when I felt how chaotic and off-balance my actual childhood home was.  This picture felt so peaceful, so heart-centered, like the priorities were straight.   It gave me comfort that someday I would create this picture.

What happened?  I left home, graduated from university with honors and became a sought-after art teacher in the Atlanta school system.  It was joyous to witness children in their process of creative discovery.  I taught for almost 5 years and loved it, but became disillusioned with “the system” and the politics involved in being what I considered to be a responsible educator.  I began the long process of recovery for incest.  My husband and I moved to Tucson, Arizona to change our lives.  There I was a teacher to developmentally disabled children and adults.  It was somewhat satisfying, but a step removed from my beloved creative process.  I had naturally ruled out teaching school because I was burned out by my experience in Atlanta.  After a couple of years, I was promoted to evaluate adult trainers of the same population I had worked with.  Another two steps removed from my early love, this time from children, and from teaching.  I became a dry expert on how to do a job well.  I couldn’t stand myself.  When I moved to Asheville I wanted to start all over again and go back to my initial vision.  My then 3 year old son and I spent delightful time together awaiting the birth of my second son.  After being in Asheville for one year, tragedy struck and I jumped into working in the non-profit sector.  How many steps removed from my heart was I now?  I’ve lost count.

I have made some strides back towards my heart-centered picture of childhood, especially since the wake-up call of 9-11.  I have a healing practice that allows me to connect with and teach others as well as work on my own healing.  I write, make art and play and compose music.  I have maintained a stubborn conviction to buy and grow organic food.  I’ve canned my crops, made candles and soap, sewn clothes, dowsed earth energies and been trained for years in my early healing interests.

I continue to be informed by my childhood picture, with compromises.  I actually do live in an old white farmhouse on a couple of acres, but it is in city limits on a busy road.  I work with my creativity in my healing practice and my writing, but apart from my family.  I grow organic vegetables and fruit, but haven’t had time lately to devote proper attention to the garden.  I send my children to the best public school in Asheville, but I still feel a gnawing in my belly when I drop them off for the day.  I love my husband dearly, but we don’t have much time or energy for each other at the end of each day.  My heart hurts.  Something is wrong.

I have wondered in the past year as I have felt a growing anxiety what was wrong with me.  I have such a blessed life!   Who am I to complain or to feel that something is missing?   As the summer began, I wondered if I was on the edge of nervous breakdown, or perhaps my midlife crisis (a little early, I hope?)  The vague sense of unease that has been growing in me for years has gotten to the point that I can’t ignore it.  I went on a 7500 miles month-long odyssey in July to the southwest and California with my children in hopes that the change of environment would give me a little perspective.  We saw many places and people and had many adventures.  SO what did the solo-pioneering mom and her two fabulous sons find out on this epic journey?   That the problem is I’m living someone else’s life.

Whose life am I living?  Ask the media.  There is an assumption made on the part of the media/corporate machine that we will trust what is being told to us.  We are fed images and messages of what the perfect family, mother, child, and parent looks like many times a day.  We must be involved in our child’s school to positively affect their learning, we must take our child to a multitude of life enriching classes and activities per week, we must make quality time for our children (in between all those afternoon classes).  We must have a pet, music lessons, and devote time to homework each night.  As a mother, I must be fully available for my children, yet seek time for my own inner balance.  Yoga classes, smoothies, a low-carb diet, and facials will help me regain my inner peace.  But I am also to be fulfilled in my work, fully attentive to my husband and home, keep a cheery attitude and look great while doing it ALL.   How am I supposed to balance all that needs to be balanced?  I think it feels impossible because it is.  I have to make some decisions about what is most important.

If it is true that I am the architect of my life, then where did my design go wrong?  Why the hell did I build this hectic life I’m living?  How often have I said “yes” to something that was not really in the interest of my highest good?  How often have I just gone along with something because other folks wanted me to?  Because I didn’t want to create an inconvenience?  Because I wanted to please others?  How often I have ignored my own inner guidance because it is too risky, too much work to change circumstances, or someone might be unhappy with me?  When it comes to hearing the quiet, wise voice of my inner wisdom when presented with a choice, what’s the difference between “yeah, okay” and “YES, I must ABSOLUTELY do this!”

Sometimes I think I am going crazy; I feel a tension inside as the gulf is widening between the part that I am playing and my inner Self who wants something else from me. Why am I so attached to this part?  Perhaps because there are consequences for relinquishing it.  I was guided last year to step out of my role as PTO President at my children’s school; that in fact it was costing me spiritually.  But did I do it?  Nope, all I could think about was how unhappy folks would be with me if I quit.  I sensed that this guidance was accurate, and felt how miserable I was playing the role, but that wasn’t enough to change my mind.  I would be seen as a quitter; I would make people mad at me; I would be letting folks down.  When I see this, it makes me think that a 3 year old is making these decisions in my life.  An actualized, empowered adult would not worry much about disapproval from others if she were making a decision that felt right to her.  Am I mothering my inner 3 year old?

On a macro scale, we are coming into the Aquarian era.  With this shift, there is huge transformation in the way we fundamentally think about and do things.  It seems that culturally and politically, more and more people are feeling inner stirrings that things just aren’t right as they are.

Am I on the edge of this?  Am I feeling what many others are feeling right now?  We are taught that family and school looks like this, we are trying desperately maintain these dinosaur ways of being, and they don’t work.  We are trying to patch what really needs to be replaced.  Divorce, stress, major life unhappiness happens because folks are so anxious….we feel that something is wrong, but society doesn’t support us changing.

If I decide to follow the soft pointing-of-the-way that my guidance provides, how do I let go of the things I am attached to?  How much will I need to release to change my life?  Is the structure of my life congruent with the architecture principle of “form follows function?”  How might I restructure my life to that it follows my higher function?  For that matter, what is my higher function?  Might I get a clue from the secret whisperings of my heart?  My intention is to find out what my best use is on this planet right now…here it comes…..wait, I can ask the question, but am I really ready for the answer?

My experience tells me that sometimes I must let go of what seems so important so that I can open to the free flow of life energy that will carry me to where I need to go.  May the Highest Good be Served.

a new beginning

One of the consequences of change is that we are invited to relate to the world in a different way than we did before, whether slightly or in a very drastic move to become a different person.  I like the degrees of change when I am morphing, myself;  a little refinement here, and little shave there.  Sure, we’ve made some drastic life changes in terms of our location, and certainly when we left Asheville in 2003 for our 2-year spiritual journey, we made some huge changes in who we were.  But now, the changes seem to be more subtle. 

I am watching us four as we settle into the idea of living in California; the town we have chosen has a definite healing quality about it, making it feel safe and relatively easy to let go of the outdated energies.  I am also watching how different we each are in the ways we process change and the way we create what is coming next.

My husband Peter is the “Great Manifestor”.  I have always been in awe of his ability to line up all the parts of himself with an idea, then POOF, the idea comes into being.  Where he gets stymied is when not all parts of himself are in alignment with the idea.  But when they are, watch out; it’s gonna happen for sure.   I am watching him now bring himself into alignment with yet another fabulous creation that will reflect his passions and spirit, and literally seeing the outdated parts of himself dropping off.

On the other hand, I seem to be more of a emergence person….what I mean by that is that I am in the process of discovery all of the time, and so rather than having a clear idea of what I want to do and going out to create it, I seem to be constantly uncovering bits and pieces of what I am becoming.  It’s kind of like finding little bits of buried treasure every few yards!  I like this process; it is fun for me, that is, until I want an answer NOW about what it is I am headed towards!

Jess and Aidan are similarly different (?) in their process.  Jess is super clear about where he is going and manifests quickly what he wants.  Aidan also seems to be a discoverer; he has to come to find things out for himself to incorporate new things into his life. 

So here I am in the midst of a change; my location is changing, my community is changing, the way I walk in the world is changing, and my work is changing.  But by degrees…..I have been pretty close to the core of who I am most of my life in terms of what I do in the world.  I have always been a catalyst, teacher and inspirer, but it seems that my work has taken on different depth the more I mature in my knowing of myself and the more I am comfortable with my personal power.  I am super excited because I can feel a new me coming, but I don’t know exactly what it looks like yet.  I am impatient!  I want to know what I will be doing!

The sensation I have had lately is that I have all of this wisdom and knowledge and experience and energy and passion and enthusiasm…and nowhere to plug it in.  Pure potential…and nowhere to put it.  I don’t know the avenues that I will be going down, the various modes of expressing myself.  I wonder if a tree feels like this in the winter as their energy builds up for the big Springing forth.  Or if it is like being pregnant in your late 9th month, and you feel that you can’t possibly get any bigger and that you are gonna pop if you don’t get that baby out.   I’m gonna burst if I don’t find the right plug!

I am told when I dial in to the universal field that it is a timing issue…that the energy is building in the world and within me, and that I am refining who I am and what I wll be expressing in the world, and that I am releasing outdated parts of myself that now longer serve me.  Like a new plant readying to be transplanted into the ground, it is not time for me to take off and GROW yet. 

So I am being reminded to TRUST the process and not try to hurry it along.  Hmmmmph!   OKAY, I will try…………