The night of the day of the aforementioned conversation, Pete and I talked again.  This time, I experienced him more receptive to my desire.  He listened attentively to my feelings, and reflected them back to me.  No negation, instead good listening, which made me feel safer to share what was happening with me.  We dealt with some real things and got to common ground.  He and I are on the same page, which is a relief to me.  SO, now that the immediate “perceived obstacle” is removed, what is really going on?

I did not ever have my own room, except maybe for the couple of years before my sister was born (and I’m not even sure about that).  Not whining, just sayin’.  When I moved to college, I had a shared dorm room.  It was not until I was a junior and moved into a duplex at age 20 that I had a room of my own, and began to taste what it was like to be master of one’s own space.  Of course, I met Peter when I was 21, and have not had my own room since then.

Now what I want is my own room, but not a bedroom…..what I want is a room that is MINE in which I can do what I WANT without being interrupted or distracted or have to move somebody else’s stuff.  JUST MINE.  And what I have realized is that I sound like a 3 year old kid!  MINE, MINE, MINE!

Well, I am not going to judge that inner 3 year old, but I am also going to include the perspective of the wise parent inside, who will temper the 3 year old’s insistence with some wisdom.  I am reflecting about why I feel I need an office to do the work I need to do, how I can proceed with that work to the extent that I can (without the office) until it manifests, and finally, what other ways I put things in front of my just getting DOWN TO IT.  This is all worthwhile reflection.

I wrestle with my inner logician, who says, “You are not making enough money to justify the expanse of renting an office.”  Also, “You are a mom and only have the hours between 9 and 2 (when BNO  -Boy Number One-  gets home from school) to do your work; does it really make sense to rent an office that will be empty so much of the day?”  And, “You’re a writer, why can’t you just sit on the couch and write there?”  And so many other perfectly sound reasons not to pursue this desire to have my own space.  Whew, all of this inner wrestling makes me tired. 

But there is a wiser voice, too, that is NOT defined by logic, but adds to logic in a feeling sense….it says that it is good and right to begin to bring this into my life because my timing is right.  It says there is nothing wrong with indulging this desire, and that it is in fact good for me to do so.  It says that I am freeing up and emerging in ways that will support the expenses and my desire to also benefit the financial well-being of my family.  I am also told it is indeed part of the universe’s desire for me, and that I will be supported.

So, I will balance the needs of my inner logician with the urging from my spirit to have the space in which to develop the things I will offer this world.  In the mean time, I will move forward and get some things done, even if my outer environment is not exactly the way I want it.  I will move forward and trust……It’s a-gonna happen.

a new beginning

One of the consequences of change is that we are invited to relate to the world in a different way than we did before, whether slightly or in a very drastic move to become a different person.  I like the degrees of change when I am morphing, myself;  a little refinement here, and little shave there.  Sure, we’ve made some drastic life changes in terms of our location, and certainly when we left Asheville in 2003 for our 2-year spiritual journey, we made some huge changes in who we were.  But now, the changes seem to be more subtle. 

I am watching us four as we settle into the idea of living in California; the town we have chosen has a definite healing quality about it, making it feel safe and relatively easy to let go of the outdated energies.  I am also watching how different we each are in the ways we process change and the way we create what is coming next.

My husband Peter is the “Great Manifestor”.  I have always been in awe of his ability to line up all the parts of himself with an idea, then POOF, the idea comes into being.  Where he gets stymied is when not all parts of himself are in alignment with the idea.  But when they are, watch out; it’s gonna happen for sure.   I am watching him now bring himself into alignment with yet another fabulous creation that will reflect his passions and spirit, and literally seeing the outdated parts of himself dropping off.

On the other hand, I seem to be more of a emergence person….what I mean by that is that I am in the process of discovery all of the time, and so rather than having a clear idea of what I want to do and going out to create it, I seem to be constantly uncovering bits and pieces of what I am becoming.  It’s kind of like finding little bits of buried treasure every few yards!  I like this process; it is fun for me, that is, until I want an answer NOW about what it is I am headed towards!

Jess and Aidan are similarly different (?) in their process.  Jess is super clear about where he is going and manifests quickly what he wants.  Aidan also seems to be a discoverer; he has to come to find things out for himself to incorporate new things into his life. 

So here I am in the midst of a change; my location is changing, my community is changing, the way I walk in the world is changing, and my work is changing.  But by degrees…..I have been pretty close to the core of who I am most of my life in terms of what I do in the world.  I have always been a catalyst, teacher and inspirer, but it seems that my work has taken on different depth the more I mature in my knowing of myself and the more I am comfortable with my personal power.  I am super excited because I can feel a new me coming, but I don’t know exactly what it looks like yet.  I am impatient!  I want to know what I will be doing!

The sensation I have had lately is that I have all of this wisdom and knowledge and experience and energy and passion and enthusiasm…and nowhere to plug it in.  Pure potential…and nowhere to put it.  I don’t know the avenues that I will be going down, the various modes of expressing myself.  I wonder if a tree feels like this in the winter as their energy builds up for the big Springing forth.  Or if it is like being pregnant in your late 9th month, and you feel that you can’t possibly get any bigger and that you are gonna pop if you don’t get that baby out.   I’m gonna burst if I don’t find the right plug!

I am told when I dial in to the universal field that it is a timing issue…that the energy is building in the world and within me, and that I am refining who I am and what I wll be expressing in the world, and that I am releasing outdated parts of myself that now longer serve me.  Like a new plant readying to be transplanted into the ground, it is not time for me to take off and GROW yet. 

So I am being reminded to TRUST the process and not try to hurry it along.  Hmmmmph!   OKAY, I will try…………