I wrote this journal entry in 2003, right before my family’s life changed drastically. It felt appropriate to share it here and now.
Form Follows Function
A journal entry by Licia Berry
8-03
Who am I? God, please tell me. No, I mean, who am I REALLY. I have allowed myself to be defined by others for much of my life. Now I need to find the truth within myself. I need to know what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I need to narrow it down because I have signed on for too much that doesn’t feel like the right fit!
Since I was a little kid, I saw myself living in an old white farmhouse on a quiet farm or land, growing my family’s food, home schooling my children, creating a family business, and married to my one Beloved. Leading a simple life together as a family. We would have all that we needed because we were together. My picture of this was so solid as a little girl. It brought me solace when I felt how chaotic and off-balance my actual childhood home was. This picture felt so peaceful, so heart-centered, like the priorities were straight. It gave me comfort that someday I would create this picture.
What happened? I left home, graduated from university with honors and became a sought-after art teacher in the Atlanta school system. It was joyous to witness children in their process of creative discovery. I taught for almost 5 years and loved it, but became disillusioned with “the system” and the politics involved in being what I considered to be a responsible educator. I began the long process of recovery for incest. My husband and I moved to Tucson, Arizona to change our lives. There I was a teacher to developmentally disabled children and adults. It was somewhat satisfying, but a step removed from my beloved creative process. I had naturally ruled out teaching school because I was burned out by my experience in Atlanta. After a couple of years, I was promoted to evaluate adult trainers of the same population I had worked with. Another two steps removed from my early love, this time from children, and from teaching. I became a dry expert on how to do a job well. I couldn’t stand myself. When I moved to Asheville I wanted to start all over again and go back to my initial vision. My then 3 year old son and I spent delightful time together awaiting the birth of my second son. After being in Asheville for one year, tragedy struck and I jumped into working in the non-profit sector. How many steps removed from my heart was I now? I’ve lost count.
I have made some strides back towards my heart-centered picture of childhood, especially since the wake-up call of 9-11. I have a healing practice that allows me to connect with and teach others as well as work on my own healing. I write, make art and play and compose music. I have maintained a stubborn conviction to buy and grow organic food. I’ve canned my crops, made candles and soap, sewn clothes, dowsed earth energies and been trained for years in my early healing interests.
I continue to be informed by my childhood picture, with compromises. I actually do live in an old white farmhouse on a couple of acres, but it is in city limits on a busy road. I work with my creativity in my healing practice and my writing, but apart from my family. I grow organic vegetables and fruit, but haven’t had time lately to devote proper attention to the garden. I send my children to the best public school in Asheville, but I still feel a gnawing in my belly when I drop them off for the day. I love my husband dearly, but we don’t have much time or energy for each other at the end of each day. My heart hurts. Something is wrong.
I have wondered in the past year as I have felt a growing anxiety what was wrong with me. I have such a blessed life! Who am I to complain or to feel that something is missing? As the summer began, I wondered if I was on the edge of nervous breakdown, or perhaps my midlife crisis (a little early, I hope?) The vague sense of unease that has been growing in me for years has gotten to the point that I can’t ignore it. I went on a 7500 miles month-long odyssey in July to the southwest and California with my children in hopes that the change of environment would give me a little perspective. We saw many places and people and had many adventures. SO what did the solo-pioneering mom and her two fabulous sons find out on this epic journey? That the problem is I’m living someone else’s life.
Whose life am I living? Ask the media. There is an assumption made on the part of the media/corporate machine that we will trust what is being told to us. We are fed images and messages of what the perfect family, mother, child, and parent looks like many times a day. We must be involved in our child’s school to positively affect their learning, we must take our child to a multitude of life enriching classes and activities per week, we must make quality time for our children (in between all those afternoon classes). We must have a pet, music lessons, and devote time to homework each night. As a mother, I must be fully available for my children, yet seek time for my own inner balance. Yoga classes, smoothies, a low-carb diet, and facials will help me regain my inner peace. But I am also to be fulfilled in my work, fully attentive to my husband and home, keep a cheery attitude and look great while doing it ALL. How am I supposed to balance all that needs to be balanced? I think it feels impossible because it is. I have to make some decisions about what is most important.
If it is true that I am the architect of my life, then where did my design go wrong? Why the hell did I build this hectic life I’m living? How often have I said “yes” to something that was not really in the interest of my highest good? How often have I just gone along with something because other folks wanted me to? Because I didn’t want to create an inconvenience? Because I wanted to please others? How often I have ignored my own inner guidance because it is too risky, too much work to change circumstances, or someone might be unhappy with me? When it comes to hearing the quiet, wise voice of my inner wisdom when presented with a choice, what’s the difference between “yeah, okay” and “YES, I must ABSOLUTELY do this!”
Sometimes I think I am going crazy; I feel a tension inside as the gulf is widening between the part that I am playing and my inner Self who wants something else from me. Why am I so attached to this part? Perhaps because there are consequences for relinquishing it. I was guided last year to step out of my role as PTO President at my children’s school; that in fact it was costing me spiritually. But did I do it? Nope, all I could think about was how unhappy folks would be with me if I quit. I sensed that this guidance was accurate, and felt how miserable I was playing the role, but that wasn’t enough to change my mind. I would be seen as a quitter; I would make people mad at me; I would be letting folks down. When I see this, it makes me think that a 3 year old is making these decisions in my life. An actualized, empowered adult would not worry much about disapproval from others if she were making a decision that felt right to her. Am I mothering my inner 3 year old?
On a macro scale, we are coming into the Aquarian era. With this shift, there is huge transformation in the way we fundamentally think about and do things. It seems that culturally and politically, more and more people are feeling inner stirrings that things just aren’t right as they are.
Am I on the edge of this? Am I feeling what many others are feeling right now? We are taught that family and school looks like this, we are trying desperately maintain these dinosaur ways of being, and they don’t work. We are trying to patch what really needs to be replaced. Divorce, stress, major life unhappiness happens because folks are so anxious….we feel that something is wrong, but society doesn’t support us changing.
If I decide to follow the soft pointing-of-the-way that my guidance provides, how do I let go of the things I am attached to? How much will I need to release to change my life? Is the structure of my life congruent with the architecture principle of “form follows function?” How might I restructure my life to that it follows my higher function? For that matter, what is my higher function? Might I get a clue from the secret whisperings of my heart? My intention is to find out what my best use is on this planet right now…here it comes…..wait, I can ask the question, but am I really ready for the answer?
My experience tells me that sometimes I must let go of what seems so important so that I can open to the free flow of life energy that will carry me to where I need to go. May the Highest Good be Served.
