Do you ever get the sense something big is about to happen? Sort of a building of energy feeling, like gears are turning…but not turning just to turn….turning because it will lead to something.
I have had this feeling today that is similar to the way I felt before I went into labor with my boys. I noticed when I awoke spontaneously at 5 a.m. that I felt funny, very internal. An eerie quiet, while something moved deep inside. As if I was a very still, black lake with an ancient sea creature traversing its muddy bottom. It is a difficult feeling to describe in words, but I can safely say “pre-labor” is no ordinary feeling.
As the morning progressed, I noticed I did something very bold that I have been trying to do for 5 years (I printed out some of the stories I will be publishing in my next book). I just up and did it! No talking myself into it, no wringing my hands, no over-analyzing. Just pulled up 50 pages worth of my heart and printed them out on paper.
You might wonder why this is so significant. It doesn’t seem like a big deal at all! But it IS.
I realized today that I have safely secreted away my deepest revelations in my trusty computer (and what I didn’t, I trusted to put in my journals), but never brought them into physical form by printing them. I kept them nice and safe in the etheric realm of my electronic gadgetry, where I could not show them to anybody. Or publish them.
You know me, I’m a pretty intense person and a deep thinker. I figure that I have at least 8000 pieces of writing that I “intend” to put into books stashed on my computer. I seem to be a collector of my thoughts, and if I write them, I tell myself I doing what needs to be done. But I am starting to see that there is another half of the equation.
The other half is putting it out there for folks to read. My big AHA this week has been that I actually feel that if I don’t DO anything with my writing (except offer it for free on my blog, websites, FaceBook, famous emails, articles published worldwide in several languages, etc.), then no one can criticize me for what I have written. And certainly I won’t be a failure for not making a living being a writer. No, if I just keep all my most fabulous work secreted away on my computer, I don’t have to take the risk of playing big.
Well, all that is getting challenged this week. Between healing my inner masculine (my “DOING” side), revealing my beliefs about my relationship with money in my coaching group, and having the realization that I avoid DOING in order to avoid failing, there is a whole lotta shaken goin’ on.
I actually sent an introduction piece out to a trusted friend with whom I will begin a writer’s group….she gasped into the phone, “I want to read the book. NOW.” Oh boy. She wants the book NOW.
I feel intuitively that the fire that is under me about publishing my writing is a good thing. I feel I am being prodded by the universe (in the most supportive of ways) to get off my arse and TELL MY STORY. I did always plan to do it, but somehow the years have ticked off and I never, well, got around to it. I’ve been BUSY! (ahem)
In my inner guidance this morning, I received the words, “What will it take to put your Self first?” I can think of so many things to do that are in service to my children and family and home and hearth….as well as things that are not of service to anyone such as playing a computer game (she admits sheepishly). But to REALLY live my life as it was intended to be lived, that is a different kind of priority. It will require a shuffling of priorities, a greater discipline, and a very deep devotion to my truest Self to allow that life to be expressed.
I think that is what is shifting. I think this is what’s happening in my life right now. I’m choosing to trust that this pre-labor I feel so intently right now is going to take me into a labor of love, one that will birth the me that has been waiting to emerge.