I was prompted in my inner guidance time this morning to write about the immense amount of subconscious process that I am going through. I asked, “What about it, any particular theme?” I was told, “Just tell people that it’s happening.”
Well, okay….I am now going to tell you that I am undergoing deep subconscious work, but will spare you the details of it for now (that I find so interesting). Maybe the details will come later.
It is happening below the surface, and feels way out and big, like soul kind of work. I am going through the motions of my day, feeling my feelings, functioning, being present to what needs to get done (I am a mom and beloved and friend and volunteer and run a household and write and, and, and….after all), but I am also doing this deep inner work right now.
I don’t know if I am that different from other people. I believe that we are all undergoing deep, immense change right now, whether we are aware of it or not. I believe that there is a larger collective experience of inner limits being challenged and that this is why I see so many beautiful “falling-apart” experiences. Sure, it’s uncomfortable, even painful when your world unhinges and things you thought were real and concrete crumble before your eyes….but I feel this is a healthy thing. I feel we are all being freed from our inner prisons, if we will but walk out of the open doors.
Maybe what makes me a little bit different from the majority of folks is that I am aware of these energy processes going on, within and without me, and attempt to describe them. I feel I am creating a road map of long forgotten territory, and leaving breadcrumbs for others to follow, if they so desire. I know a very few others that are doing this, too….we feel cycles and movement and process going on, and attempt to describe what we are seeing, feeling and experiencing to the rest of the world as a service and as self preservation.
I think about this stuff a lot; well, all the time. My inner life is very rich, and always has been. I was told by my good friend Madelyn Aslan, a very gifted and well known psychic, that if I wrote every minute of every day for the rest of my life I would not be able to empty out all the thoughts and awarenesses in my mind. This feels true to me; I’d better get on the ball.
So, I’m going to describe the process I’m undergoing right now since I was guided to, as best I can. Bear with me.
I feel distinctly that I am here, in my life, doing what needs to be done, smiling at people (most of the time), being out in the world…..and at the same time there is another me, much, much bigger than the me that is driving the car or going to the grocery store or having intellectual debates on FaceBook, who is conducting a grand symphony, and yet I am also all the players in it. Do you get that image?
I’ve had glimpses lately of what it must feel like to be the Source of All Things. I feel myself being inclusive of so many perspectives and so many life experiences…. And understanding them. I have felt that I was big enough to hold all of the world’s diverse life forms and their instincts, their beliefs, their habits. Recognizing my own “Source-ness” has made me wonder if that is what we are all being challenged to do right no…to open up, to surrender our little tiny boxes that we put around us to make us feel safe, so that we can live bigger, more fulfilling, more loving lives.
Back in 2000 when my spiritual journey took a strong upturn in intensity, I had the very profound experience over a couple of years of feeling that I was unearthing something that had been buried in the earth for many thousands of years. I had dreams of a language of light that I read in great tomes, and my voice wanted to sing languages I did not know. My belly felt like a great black cauldron inside that was very full and wanted to express through my throat and voice and sound. Once, I leaned against a very old oak tree on our property, and while I did I experienced making contact with the tree’s essence. I felt it awaken underneath me, and we recognized each other…then suddenly, I saw in my mind’s eye that the tree was transmitting symbols from the ground up, in the same language of light that I had seen in my dreams. Somehow, my being willing to be open to this was what opened the door for this information to move upward, into the light. This was a somewhat new experience at the time for me, to be awake to a larger collective and psychic process so clearly.
A couple of years ago I had a taste of this feeling of deep subconscious process going on…it was in January of 2007 that it started, when I was first in touch with an biological Aunt that I had not been in touch with for many years. Being in her presence initiated a cascade of what I can only describe as inner avalanches, and I tumbled down, down, down with the debris that was dislodged, settling eventually down at the bottom of the sea.
I was under this inner sea for many months…I had the distinct feeling that I was swimming at the bottom of a great ocean, exploring caves and communing with the sea creatures, many of whom became my helpers in retrieving gems buried in the sand. The collage above is the one I made to describe that experience. But I was living and breathing in the Upper World, the one where the sun is shining, and I was talking to people, and going about my day…..this was all occurring at the same time that a deep inner process was going on. It reminds me of the desert, a vast dry hot and seemingly barren place, which was once a vast sea teeming with life. What is apparent is not always what is truly going on.
My current process here at the end of 2009 feels a little different…I don’t quite have the visceral experience of being under a great sea…I feel more like I am under the earth, in some great caverns miles below the surface. I feel the pressure of the ground above me. It is so quiet and so still there….and dark, yes, sometimes. I am feeling my way. It feels like I am down here (there) moving forward with my hands outstretched, occasionally stumbling over rocks or rises in the cavern floors. But then I will see a mysterious light around the corner or at the end of some tunnel, and it calls me, and it is my soul telling me that all is well, to rest, to trust. I arrive into a room that is lit by a fantastic purple series of cascading lights, falling like stars, except that it doesn’t end. The trails from these purple stars create a matrix, a kind of grid, which makes me think very much of the Great Web of life. What does this all mean? I am not certain, but it is a fascinating journey.
And so, my mind wonders why I was guided to tell you all about this subterranean process happening for me. Is it perhaps because you are wondering if you are losing your mind because you feel something happening to you too? Because you feel the slippery slope of your old world crumbling away and you think you are alone in this experience? Is it because you feel something deeper happening within you but don’t know what to name it? Is it just to give you a piece of information to consider? Is it because I am able to put some words around something that is very hard to explain? Or is it because there are others in the world who are experiencing this thing that I am, and that I need the reassurance that I am not alone?
