They say in therapeutic settings that we always confront and heal what’s easiest first. For me, first was to confront the sexual abuse, then to confront my father, and to reclaim my sexuality, my feelings of safety in the world, and my power (and probably will continue to for the rest of my life). Harder for me was confronting that my mother knew what was going on and did nothing to stop it; that betrayal has been harder to bear.
Over the 21 years that I have been doing active consciousness and healing work, I have made great strides. Most recently, in the last 4 years or so I have had the most amazing sense of relationship with the Divine Feminine, or Great Mother as I have called her. It was my decision to actively cultivate this relationship and even embody Her on earth, to really fully claim my Feminine Self. It has been challenging at times because this meant confronting and feeling the pain of what my biological mother did to me. I realized that there is a direct relationship between my relationship with the Sacred Feminine and my feelings about myself as a woman, as well as how I feel nurtured in this world.
These last few years of choosing to embody the Great Mother or Sacred Feminine has been utterly delicious at times….I have distinctly felt Her grace and presence in my life, and I feel how different Her energy feels than the energy of the masculine or angels or Source energy. There is indeed a distinct quality of energy that permeates the feminine principle.
I was under the impression that if I embodied the Divine Feminine, I would be providing a great service to the Whole as well as providing a wonderful service to myself. I had always felt that masculine and feminine balance needed to happen in everyone, but for some interesting reason, I did not give a lot of thought to integrating my own Divine Masculine.
It seemed that things were going swimmingly when I broke my ankle in February of this year (my right, masculine ankle in my case). My ability to embody Great Mother came in very handy, as my inner immature masculine was very, very grumpy about the ankle breaking and being forced to sit still. I realized I had used movement and busy-ness to distract me from feeling the painful feelings of my powerlessness as a child (and even as a baby, I am coming to find out). When I was forced to “sit down and be quiet” for a solid 8 weeks, it provided the opening for me to discover that I had some work to do to heal my inner masculine.
Fast forward to today, when my ankle is mostly healed, I am getting around to some degree, and living a happy life in a new town, surrounded with beautiful family and friends who support me. I had the most lovely invitation to attend a beach retreat as the resident writer (I am writing an article for the hosts that will be used to market their business), and looked forward to the time with women on the beach with nothing to do except pay attention to my needs and inner life.
One of the activities available to us was to walk a labyrinth that had been constructed on the beach. My second full day in attendance, I was relaxed and happy, and went out on the beach that sunny morning to do some intuitive movement and breath work. As I listened and deepened my inner awareness, I noticed that in my body’s experience and my inner vision, I picked up my self as a little girl, and she whispered in my ear “You are such a god mom.” This delighted me to no end, as I have had a tough time convincing her that I would be a good mother to her! I smiled and allowed this lovely experience to permeate me, then I felt the prompt to walk the labyrinth.
As I stood at the opening, I prayed to experience my inherent wholeness. I was in a very happy place and did not feel the need to initiate any healing process as per my usual stance. As I walked, I hummed to myself as I felt my inner little girl integrating into me even more than she had before. When “we” got to the center, I waited in silence for several minutes. I could not discern anything in particular in terms of a course of action or intention, so I just paused there. I definitely felt I was at the center of some womb space, far from the outer world of the beach and sun and sound of the surf. The insulated quality of being inside the labyrinth was reflected in my mind and heart as I listened deeply for any sign of message or instruction.
I did not feel anything in particular except great, great joy, so began to move out of the labyrinth’s center. I got a few steps away when I noticed in my mind’s eye that there was a little lump of a person in the center. I continued to walk forward, not really thinking much about it, when I felt distinctly I was to STOP. When I get a strong “STOP” message, I am learning to do it on a dime. I paused, and as I listened, I was told to go back to the center and “pick him up”.
Him? When I looked back at what had been a little lump of a person, I saw now that there was a dejected looking little boy in the center of the labyrinth. Perhaps 3 or 4 years of age, he looked so sad and so lifeless, like he had no energy in him at all. I was puzzled, but my maternal instinct took over, and I walked back into the labyrinth’s center to be with this mysterious little boy. I sat there with him for a little while, me next to him on the sand. He did not look at me except occasionally with a sideways look out of the corner of his eyes…he made no contact and did not speak in any way to me. As I sat there, I had the distinct feeling that I was to pick him up and carry him out of the labyrinth. I still did not understand at that point who he was or why I was to help him, but I did lift his limp body into my arms and carry him out of the labyrinth into my life with me.
I have been carrying this little boy ever since. I have learned since that day when I was so puzzled about the arrival of this boy that he is a personification of my inner masculine. Thwarted very early in my life from expressing my power and will, this aspect of myself was arrested and has been in a de-powered state ever since. In his de-powered but frightened state, he would holdup his fists sometimes, perceiving the whole world to be a threat, and other times he would just lay about and do nothing. Another symptom of his immaturity has been to force, force, force things when instead some quiet stillness or discernment was needed. My tendency to push myself relentlessly, as well as to analyze with my head are both outworkings of this immature masculine within. His anger has been palpable; his rage at having his legs cut out from under him, being belittled and made to be still for unspeakable atrocities have made him a very mad little boy. The fact that I did not know to acknowledge him within myself for all of these years might have added to his feelings of being so alone in the world. So focused on my womanliness and my embodiment of the Divine Feminine, I did not see that what was even more broken inside of me was my own inner masculine.
As the weeks have gone by, he has begun to show signs of life. The more I get to know him and acknowledge him, the perkier and more animated he becomes. He is looking at me now, and talking to me sometimes, too. I am working with “him” every day, listening for guidance about how to support him, to heal him, to help him grow up. My dreams of tiny babies, just inches long, being lost in my pocket or in a drawer have evolved into dreams of laughing baby boys that are able to morph into full grown teenagers, with full awareness of and delight in their remarkable evolutionary process. My dreams, messages from my subconscious, are telling me he is healing.
The pain I have felt as I opened this door into my consciousness has been very real and very intense. There are days when I am hurting inside so much it feels like leaving the house is too much. I have also doubted my sanity; in all the years I have done this hard work to reach into and heal the darkness within me, I have always been able to hold myself above the swirling dark waters of my feelings of rage and powerlessness. A dip into the madness here and there, but never complete immersion…a coping mechanism, to be sure. I keep reminding myself that I would not be feeling the intensity of the pain if I were not strong enough to do so.
And then today, there is light. Despite the grey skies and downpour of heavy rain here in the panhandle of Florida as a tropical storm passes its eye over us, I feel some sense of a phase completed. A very dark cloud which has been over me for some time is lifting, and I feel my life coming together in new ways. A return of my joy, but deeper and more grounded this time. A sense of wanting to DO in concert with the BE parts of me. The little boy is now a teenager…he will periodically be a baby or a toddler or an adolescent again, I imagine. But the evidence shows me that he is growing and learning that he is safe and loved. Hallelujah.
I am once again reminded how miraculous we all are in our unique processes, and have a humble, deeper sense of love and appreciation for myself and All of Creation.
