The response I’ve received since publishing my last entry about my desire to have “my own room” has been so interesting, I felt it merited a little more airtime. Some have written to accuse my husband of not wanting to share power (sorry I told on you in my blog, honey!), others have responded that they feel this same urge but won’t allow themselves to have it, and most others just say, don’t worry, it’s coming. Mostly, my own response is what is of note.
The night of the day of the aforementioned conversation, Pete and I talked again. This time, I experienced him more receptive to my desire. He listened attentively to my feelings, and reflected them back to me. No negation, instead good listening, which made me feel safer to share what was happening with me. We dealt with some real things and got to common ground. He and I are on the same page, which is a relief to me. SO, now that the immediate “perceived obstacle” is removed, what is really going on?
I did not ever have my own room, except maybe for the couple of years before my sister was born (and I’m not even sure about that). Not whining, just sayin’. When I moved to college, I had a shared dorm room. It was not until I was a junior and moved into a duplex at age 20 that I had a room of my own, and began to taste what it was like to be master of one’s own space. Of course, I met Peter when I was 21, and have not had my own room since then.
Now what I want is my own room, but not a bedroom…..what I want is a room that is MINE in which I can do what I WANT without being interrupted or distracted or have to move somebody else’s stuff. JUST MINE. And what I have realized is that I sound like a 3 year old kid! MINE, MINE, MINE!
Well, I am not going to judge that inner 3 year old, but I am also going to include the perspective of the wise parent inside, who will temper the 3 year old’s insistence with some wisdom. I am reflecting about why I feel I need an office to do the work I need to do, how I can proceed with that work to the extent that I can (without the office) until it manifests, and finally, what other ways I put things in front of my just getting DOWN TO IT. This is all worthwhile reflection.
I wrestle with my inner logician, who says, “You are not making enough money to justify the expanse of renting an office.” Also, “You are a mom and only have the hours between 9 and 2 (when BNO -Boy Number One- gets home from school) to do your work; does it really make sense to rent an office that will be empty so much of the day?” And, “You’re a writer, why can’t you just sit on the couch and write there?” And so many other perfectly sound reasons not to pursue this desire to have my own space. Whew, all of this inner wrestling makes me tired.
But there is a wiser voice, too, that is NOT defined by logic, but adds to logic in a feeling sense….it says that it is good and right to begin to bring this into my life because my timing is right. It says there is nothing wrong with indulging this desire, and that it is in fact good for me to do so. It says that I am freeing up and emerging in ways that will support the expenses and my desire to also benefit the financial well-being of my family. I am also told it is indeed part of the universe’s desire for me, and that I will be supported.
So, I will balance the needs of my inner logician with the urging from my spirit to have the space in which to develop the things I will offer this world. In the mean time, I will move forward and get some things done, even if my outer environment is not exactly the way I want it. I will move forward and trust……It’s a-gonna happen.
