"Aidan Cathedral", Peter Berry 2004, Digitally Transformed Photograph
The word “rebirthing” has been in my psyche quite a bit of late; perhaps in part due to the immanence of spring (around the corner, I hope!) Perhaps in part due to the “collective sloughing off” that’s going on for so many people, in our country and beyond. And perhaps in part due to the changes I have seen in my own life.
It is a hard thing to describe in quantifiable terms when deep internal change is happening. It’s like trying to put words on a moving, invisible target made of mist. The way I know change is happening is that I can feel it. Of course, I see behavior changes, but that is after the changes are integrated. The first way I know they are happening is that I can feel motion inside.
I’m not alone. I’ve been talking to some kick-ass women, women who don’t always have words for what they are experiencing, either, but trust themselves enough to know that something is going on, something big and good and life changing. They sometimes think they are alone, and they experience such relief when they realize that they aren’t.
These are the women I want to surround myself with in my life. These are women who are strong, have been through some things, have survived hardship, or pulled themselves up by their bootstraps when no one else would give them a hand. These women are feeling something inside of them, too, something that is calling them home. And they are choosing to listen.
Rebirth is a term that seems perfect for what is going on for me right now. I feel myself returning to a more childlike remembrance of my soul. I am having body memories of what it felt like to be me before I learned how to cover up my light. I am remembering certain qualities of myself that I’ve not really touched in some time. The experience is like, “Oh, yeah, I used to feel that feeling when I was little.” It brings tears to my eyes sometimes!
When I think about it from a pattern perspective (I’m always seeing patterns), I’d have to say that my core self is re-emerging after trying on a suit for some years. The suit worked well for awhile, even though it was uncomfortable at times. But now, I am done with that particular suit, and I want to try on one that is a better fit for me. A roomy, silky, blue and green, flowing suit.
I feel some fear and anxiety at times because I don’t quite know what is around the corner. But at the same time, I feel an anticipation, an eagerness…like the joy I felt at special times when I was a younger person. Like the whole world is my playground. I can’t wait!
Rebirth. Re-emerge. New/Old identity. Who am I becoming? I think it’s more ME.
