My Journey through the July 11th New Moon and Eclipse
A window into my process: I share this as a kind of map, for those who are traveling the inner road and may not have language yet for what they experience…I do this to let you know you are not alone.
Sunday, July the 11th is the new moon and total solar eclipse. I hear from astrologer friends it is going to be a big one; this is confirmed by my invisible friends. It is a new moon in Cancer, a water sign, involving family, relationships, feelings and the Sacred Feminine.
For weeks preceding this event, I have been coming into wonderful alignment within, marveling at the information Consciousness is bringing through me for the book on Sacred Union and feeling great love for and connection with my husband after a time of challenge. It is blissful.
A couple of days before the event, I start to feel a little tension inside, a feeling of being a little less in the flow. Fits and starts.
Sunday I ask for suggestions about how to work with the energy the most effectively, and am told to align with the energy of the eclipse, and do. I feel the push to focus on what I want in my life, what new energy I want to bring in. I do this. I think about healing and love in my relationship with Peter, success and fulfillment in my work, joy with my children, healing and love for the waters and the world. Ease and flow in my life.
We watch the world cup final and it is full of contention and conflict as one team plays dirty. The other team, the better soccer players, win the tournament. The octopus is right again. Pete says 4 billion people are watching this game; it is amazing to be part of something that so many in the collective are involved in at the same time. We bring thoughts of healing the gulf waters into this mix at this time. I feel the beginning of a deep wave within me start to build momentum that night.
Monday, July the 12th: I awaken with a very sore jaw; I have been grinding my back teeth again, hard. I feel odd, a little separate from my body. I know this feeling; it is the feeling of something being “up” in my energy field.
I have immense release of grief and outdated energy dealing with feelings of unworthiness in the studio. Very, very painful, racking sobs ripping from my heart, holding my head. I am stunned by the depth of this wound, the message that I am bad, unworthy of love, a waste of space, a bother, etc. This goes back too far for me to remember the origin of it, prior to age 2. I realize that all of my life I have been trying to prove that wrong while secretly believing it. At times, it has felt like trying to hold back the tide with my finger in the dyke, and today I have to give in to the pain of this internalized feeling about myself. It is what I have tried to hold myself above forever, the thing I would not let myself feel.
July 13th: I am very scattered in my energy, have trouble hearing intuitively when it is usually so easy. Trying to do work is almost impossible. I give up and ask what is going on, and am told that major energy movement has occurred in my system due to the release and that I am re-making myself. The falling apart in order to be put back together in a new, improved way. It feels like chaos. I choose to be very easy on myself for the rest of the day.
July 14th: Awaken with sore jaw again, but feeling more “together”, as if the parts that were scattered about yesterday have come into a more seamless alignment. I have profound awareness of and write about the imbalanced masculine within me and its efforts to prove wrong that I am unworthy through competitive behavior, seeking outer approval from the world, the pushing drive to be seen and be shown through physical evidence that I am loved. I see a tough little boy with his arms crossed and a defensive, protective scowl on his face.
My inner masculine is so concerned about the outcome; he has a feeling of panic for his survival –All about the outer drive to succeed, to “make it”, to get the outcome, rather than the focus of being in the moment and revealing the message that is truth in my heart. He is my internalized father, the one who pushes and forces, rather than acts in accordance with the feminine’s knowing.
I have made out-of-balance decisions from this place; this has led to things occurring that did not serve me in the end. I have made some choices through this filter that had unpleasant consequences, such as pushing my divine timing. I cry with grateful tears for this knowing, and wrap this wounded inner masculine up with Great Mothers arms within. He needs love so much. I rock him. Hush, child…..heal, child. Shhhhh. In the feelings of being safe in the arms of the Sacred Feminine, my imbalanced inner masculine calms; he lets go of the need to prove himself as worthy. Suddenly it doesn’t matter if I am successful, known, recognized, fulfilling my purpose by reaching lots of people, etc. I am overcome with feelings of love and connection. Bliss.
As I drive to the studio, I have trouble focusing on the act of operating the car because I am having distinct sensations of being All That Is, the knowing of the truth of this, that I could say “Wake Up, Dreamer” and I, along with all of physical reality, would cease to exist. A feeling of death approaching, or the end of some existence….the threshold is close. Looking back on my life as if it were a story or a dream, with fondness. It is all okay.
July 15th: Another awareness of the pain in my life as a great teacher, including this year with a girlfriend that has triggered feelings of betrayal (this has happened over and over in my life). Again as I am driving to the studio, I thank her out loud for being a teacher, for she has brought to my attention my core mother wound; she has been of service in this way. I set the intention to heal my core mother wound from the inside out. Perhaps she and I have helped each other with this mother stuff. Interestingly, I am also guided to set intentions around receiving from the universe.
Also very thankful for those who came into my life not bearing pain, but love and acceptance…I have learned and am learning much from them, as well. I think I am moving towards learning in that way as much if not more than in the painful way. Maybe it doesn’t always have to be painful to learn.
I must be one powerful, big Being to have signed one for so many lessons in this life! I’m smiling as I write this, feeling appreciation for myself and a sense of humor about it all. I guess it’s true I like to learn.
I’m aware that the collective energy has been very intense these last weeks and days, but that every one has a different journey. I do feel there is a common thread, though; I think it’s that we are being grown, being brought into more and more integrity with our true nature, being “pruned” of the things that aren’t in alignment with our authentic soul and expression. If I allow this, open to it, flow with it, I find this kind of support to be a beautiful expression of how All Creation loves me with the tenderest of hearts. It feels like coming Home.
