Day 7 – Sunday, March 31, 2013
Yesterday put me over the edge. The entire week of stress and spikes of worry along with little sleep or food and no exercise to diffuse the stresswere enough, but this latest crisis and emergency routine were the proverbial straw that got on my last nerve (or is that “you stepped on my camels’ back?) I have been in a hyper-arousal state that is akin to PTSD; every time I try to close my eyes to sleep, I see or hear team members coming in to tell me that Jess is dying or dead. I awake with a start, my heart elevated, and I know my cortisol level is shot. We made an executive decision to send me home for the night with Aidan and my brother, who came from Jacksonville, and who was the perfect infusion of strength and humor to facilitate moving Jess out of his dorm room with Pete and Aidan. Peter stayed behind in Gainesville to spend the night and day with Jess. The plan was for me to head back Sunday afternoon after getting some sleep and clothes while Peter stays with Jess, who is continuing therapy under very careful supervision.
I slept 8 hours in my own bed, got to snuggle my cat in our messy house, drink my morning tea in a leisurely fashion (something I hope I never take for granted again), and felt so much better. Sleeping in your own bed is such a miracle! Drinking water when you want it from your own faucet has such dignity! Being in the hospital and rehab, as fabulous as they have been, is a constant reminder that you are not independent or in control. And I’m not the one laid up in the hospital bed getting poked and prodded every hour; Jess has been a saint. How much I have wanted to take a pee, or eat when hungry, or speak an entire thought without being interrupted. After the hellish afternoon yesterday, I decided to follow my husband’s suggestion (he knows better than to give me directives) to go home. I’ve been reminded several times by friends to take care of myself this week, but this was the moment when I really needed to let go and do just that; I am more available to help Jess if I am more centered and calm.
Everyone who is watching Jess knows the symbolic resurrection he is going through and comments on it. This experience in our lives happened to fall on Easter week (starting with last early Monday morning), where there is a template that we can follow for metaphorical death and rebirth. This synchronicity has not been lost on me, as a symbolic thinker and spiritual person. A friend offered, “As his mother, his existence is crucial and built into your mom DNA. This casts a big vote on this side that the cosmos can hear. You’re not done with him in this lifetime yet and it sounds like he’s not done with this lifetime yet, either. This is Easter. Happy Easter. And happy resurrection and rebirth to your beautiful son, you, and your family.”
Many years ago, when I was a young mother, my eldest boy told me that he didn’t think he would make it to college. He was 7 years old when Jess announced this to me. I heard this as a premonition that he would die young, and began my attempt to keep him alive. My efforts included being over protective, making bargains with God, and secretly grieving the possible loss. It was a heavy burden to bear. He later told me that he felt he wouldn’t make it age 20; I heard this as confirming the fear that Jess was seeing his own demise. Now, I think that Jess was feeling the imminent death that has happened of his old life, and the grandness of his new life. James Hillman, a psychologist who wrote a wonderful book called the Soul’s Code, believes that children have a sense of their destiny quite young. I feel he is right.
And speaking about the cosmos hearing my vote, a friend sent this about woodpecker from a book called Animal Speak by Ted Andrews; it is jaw-droppingly accurate for Jess, who is a drummer, is healing his head, and ties in the sense I’ve been having that Jess is being initiated into his capacity as a healer:
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WOODPECKER
KEYNOTE: The Power of Rhythm and Discrimination
CYCLE OF POWER: Summer
The Woodpecker is one of those birds whose history is filled with myth and lore, much of it in connection with its most notable characteristic–the drumming. It is a relative of the flicker which was described earlier, and they share many of the same qualities and characteristics.
In the European fold tradition, the woodpecker was often considered a weather prophet, its drumming indication forthcoming changes. It was even believed by some to be a thunderbird. In Babylonia, it was considered the ax of Ishtar and was associated with fertility. In the Greek tradition it occupied the throne of Zeus, considered to be sacred to this god of thunder. It was also considered the oracle of Mars, again because drumming was often used to accompany battles. The Romans also had a legend of the woodpecker. The powerful enchantress Circe fell in love with the woodland god Picus. When he rejected her love, she turned him into a woodpecker.
In the Native American tradition it is a bird connected to the heartbeat of the Earth itself. This drumming has many mythical connections, from new life rhythms to application of shape-shifting. Shamans learn to ride the drumbeats into other dimensions.
There are, of course, different kinds of woodpeckers, each with their own unique qualities. Most are black and white and some have red upon the head. The black and white reflects the need to see issues and aspects of life clearly. It reflects that things are fairly clear if we look closely.
The downy woodpecker is the smallest. It is also the most common and most friendly member of the woodpecker family. The pileated, found most often in forests, is the expert wood chopper. Often as big a crow, it is the largest of the woodpeckers. It has the conspicuous red crest.
The red found in the head area of any woodpecker reflects a stimulation of the mental activities and the head chakra centers. It reflects a stimulation and awakening of new mental faculties. This is even further symbolized by the pecking that is the trademark of this bird.
Woodpeckers peck holes in trees and wood to get at grub and other insects. This digging in, especially with the head, reflects increasing analysis. Their bills are strong and sharply pointed, and their skulls are heavier, facilitating the hammering. Their sharp bill and its long barbed tongue can be likened to the art of discrimination.
Sometimes the woodpecker will show up just to stimulate new rhythms. Rhythm is a powerful means of affecting the physical energies. Sometimes it is easy to get so wrapped up in our daily mental and spiritual activities that we neglect the physical. This can be when the woodpecker shows up. It may also reflect a need to drum some new changes and rhythms into your life.
The woodpecker has strong hooked claws for firm holds upon a tree. Its tail feathers help to prop it upright. It also has a peculiar up and down flight. It will fly, coast down, fly and then coast down. It flies in a manner and rhythm unique to itself. All of this serves to emphasize the fact that it will become increasingly important for you to follow your own unique rhythms and flight. Do what works for you in the manner best for you. When woodpecker comes into your life, it indicates that the foundation is there. It is now safe to follow your own rhythms.
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The rhythm of Jess’ heart is different than most, which is true of mine (a doc once asked me when I’d had a heart attack because she looked at my EKG and saw that my electrical signal in my heart was unusual…as far as I know, I’ve had no heart attack! Subsequent tests indicated I was fine, but that my heart marches to a different drummer (ha)). Jess is also a remarkable drummer, and is already working to recover his ability to express his own unique rhythm.
Yesterday I kept hearing, “Allow Jess to become the healer that he is”, and the in the days before I was told, “Allow your life to change.” It is clear that this experience has changed us forever. I’ve felt that Jess and I would write a book together, and that there is work for us to do together, as well. Is this the path to that? I know it will be revealed to us in time, one foot in front of the other.
The support of community means so much right now; it is such a good feeling to be taken care of. I highly recommend it. Besides my fabulous 8 hours of sleep, I and Aidan enjoyed food brought by two friends and several messages of love. Ahhhhhh. Thank you. A friend has set up a meal list since Peter and Aidan will be home. Tally friends, if you’d like to be part of that list, please go here to Take Them a Meal.
Friends from other places, we can also use your help; the expenses for this interlude in our lives are extraordinary; we have insurance (thank goodness), but we are responsible for $10,000 that we know of so far. If you’d like to help us by kicking in a dollar or a few, please see the fund that our friend Judee started for us on Giving Forward.
It’s my hope that my writing touches you, teaches you, and adds positively to your life. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your prayers. Tomorrow…good news about Jess’ progress!
Xo
Licia
