Our Vision Quest in August resulted in so many lovely insights for Jess, who is still processing all that he encountered. He’s still working on the videos (he’s in school and working part time, so is a busy fellow, and doing very well, thank you very much!)
I had an unexpected gift from our Vision Quest, too. New parents.
My aunt and uncle live in Tucson; we planned to go there (where Jess was born) to do some important work to initiate the vision quest for him. His brain injury in March brought to our attention that he’d suffered head trauma during his birth, and shamanically speaking, we needed to go back to ground zero to reclaim his energy and heal this trauma. We would begin in Tucson, do the work needed, wander to other locations in the desert southwest as guided, and finish the trip back in Tucson if there were any loose ends to tie up.
My aunt is my mother’s sister, and has always taken an interest in me that was more maternal; she seemed to “see” me, whereas I felt either rejected or invisible to my mother. My husband and children have loved her from the moment they met her.
When we left Tucson with the promise to return, there was a feeling of closeness and we couldn’t wait to come back. As we wandered through northern New Mexico, we encountered soul family, friends that we’d met during our family vision quest from 2003-2010, true heart family. It was such a wonderful revelation for me to understand this connection and appreciate the good times with these true heart friends. I’d written years and years before about “Trust is Thicker than Blood”, and enjoyed the love and connection with people who really saw me for who I am. I’d always felt it and understood this concept, but I guess that Jess’ injury really cracked my heart open to another level, and I was able to feel and receive the love of these friends. I noticed that Jess was not the only one getting a vision quest…that I was being shown that true loving family is not necessarily the one we are born into.
On our second visit to Tucson at the end of the vision quest, we were happy to be back in my aunt and uncle’s house…it felt so welcoming and familiar. One night, as we all sat together in the living room, they said they wanted to ask me something. They’d been talking since our last visit, and seeing as how we already felt very close and that my aunt had already treated me in a more motherly fashion, they wondered if it might be alright if they adopted me. It was apparently my uncle’s idea first, and the more they talked about it, the more they felt it was right to ask me if they could adopt me. I sat stunned for a moment….”Adopt me?” They said, “Yes, we want you to be our daughter.”
In my mind, a few split-second things occurred….that they might be talking about ceremonial adoption (similar to the kind I had already experienced through indigenous friends/family, which would be sweet)…wondering if adults could be adopted…and finally, shock and disbelief that they wanted me.
We clarified quickly that their intention was to legally adopt me, making me their daughter, not just in thought and heart, but in clear, irrefutable black and white terms. They were not just saying they loved me, they wanted to go to great lengths to prove it. I was stunned. It had never occurred to me that this was a possibility…it had never crossed my mind.
I still sat in disbelief until I felt my son, who was sitting behind me, making motions with his body. I turned to see him grinning like the Cheshire Cat, emphatically nodding his head and jumping up and down in his chair. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Say YES!” I turned back to these amazing people who had just offered me and my family the greatest gift that anyone could offer…and then felt something occur in my body that was nothing less than a miracle.
In the short moment of turning from Jess’ enthusiastic approval back towards these people who had just declared their wish and intention to take me into their family, I felt a seismic shift occur. It was as if I became aware of the community of 50 trillion cells that comprise my body simultaneously, and I felt them, as a whole. I felt that I (and my inner community of cells) had been peering into the darkness of a deep cavern my entire life, longing for love to come out into the light where I stood waiting…48 years of standing there wanting desperately for the love to come out to me, to no avail…all that emerged from that yawning maw was an invitation into more darkness.
And as I turned toward my aunt and uncle in their living room in Tucson, I suddenly knew where the love was, and it was like THE SUN. The light of it was so profound and so warming, and such a contrast to the darkness I’d been trying to draw the love from through my will, through my 25 years of therapy and inner work to understand what was so wrong with me that my own parents did not love me. I felt my cells, as a community, make a decisive turn away from the dark and towards the light. And I experienced such a profound depth of happiness in that moment that I understood what I had been missing my whole life….the feeling of being wanted, of belonging. I have not turned back toward the darkness since that moment.
Into the Arms, collage by Licia Berry 2010 in my Illumined Arts Inner Tribe Healing series, where I lead others in rewriting their story through the visual, written, shamanic and healing arts through the lens of the hero’s journey. www.liciaberry.com/mentor
And my happiness has been all pervasive since. Everyone notices something different about me, a lightness, a joy…my husband says my feet land on the ground in a different way. It feels absolutely remarkable to be chosen, to be accepted and affirmed. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO BE A WANTED DAUGHTER.
The adoption hearing was October 29, made legal right in between “rebirth” eclipses! The response has been almost universally over-the-top positive and celebratory for us. And the kind of tug at the heart people feel (especially women?) who know me and are deeply committed to health and wellness when they hear the news causes me to pause. There are a LOT of motherless daughters (as well as fatherless sons) out there, and it underscores even more firmly that I must finish the book I’m writing now about mothering yourself (now with a surprise happy ending!) Stay posted!
VIDEO of yet another wonderful mother in the world:
Licia!!!!!!!!
This is so HUGE! I am weeping tears of empathy and joy for you! WOW.
And what with Mercury going direct and all, these next weeks and months are going to be very very exciting for you. The intensity of what has happened with the newness of it, and holidays coming and Jess recovering so well. I can feel the woosh! from here.
So happy for you.
xo m
Melinda,
Thank you so much for your support…you’ve been privy to the story so you know how important this is to me! And I feel you are right on about the newness….I feel nothing less than a REBIRTH has occurred. WAHOOOOOOOOO
xo
great great story, and powerful words. so difficult to translate the joy/acceptance/love into words, thanks for what you have posted here.
LLJ,
Thank you for your comment! I strive to make words for what I sense deep inside…maybe a voice for the collective, too. I’m so grateful that you came by.
xo
Licia, this is just beautiful! Your joy can be felt coming through every word. Oddly, I could tell something in you had shifted for the better. You seemed more illuminated and more joyful than ever but I couldn’t put my finger on it. This must be it, your joy at becoming a wanted daughter, part of a loving family who accepts you and loves you unconditionally. What a beautiful ending to a sad story and a joyous beginning to a new life!!!
Eileen,
Thank you…for seeing me and feeling me and sensing the joy. It is an invitation into a new life! The gift I’ve been given is so profound.
xo
tears from a deep deep place of joy for you and longing for me.. I want to be a wanted daughter too. so very much. even to the point of jokingly asking people to adopt me. and unjokingly wishing they would … bowing deeply to the grace here
Oh Jane,
Just 2 short months ago I was feeling the heartache you allude to with such a depth that I thought it would swallow me whole.
Our need for parenting never goes away, I feel. Yes, it is up to us as adults to find our path, heal ourselves, do good works in the world (all of which I have done with great effort), but there is something very specific about the feeling of being parented with unconditional love. It feels like having your feet on the ground, like you belong here on this earth.
I have love in my life from many people, but to receive it so clearly and steadfastly from parent figures has changed my life. I’ve worked my whole life to find out what was wrong with me that my birth parents did not choose me in this way, and then understood I had to love myself regardless of their lack of love. I would like to say I made great headway into loving myself…I’m writing a book right now on self mothering! But this gift has shifted things in my psyche in such a way that I see why I intuitively knew to show my children unconditionally love as the greatest gift they could be given in their lives.
Maybe we should start a movement…women adopting each other, men adopting each other! This is very important…that we all feel we belong.
xo
thank you Licia for this reply – and the tears it released… there, in western society, something unseemly in wishing for this unconditional love when it was not there for you in your family of origin.. something about the neediness and the ingratitude it appears to burden the misloved child with… I am working/playing with my inner child in so many ways in order to put a line in the sand for my children… to offer succour to my inner child frees the world around me from having to do it, helps me function as if this wound is not everyone else’s problem… sometimes I get to move forward sometimes not… as I was writing my first reply to your post I was imagining an online site where you could go and post for “parent wanted 48 year old woman looking to be adopted by loving people who like to laugh and explore deeply, must be non judgemental and willing to brush hair”… couldn’t stand the vulnerability of the possibility of not getting replies though! lordy – dating prospective parents sounds scary!… meanwhile, just talking about the possibility of this, about how I can invite this in fills my heart… and makes me wonder if I can invite nature to be my parents, have a ceremony and everything…
LOL Jane,
All I know is that I wished this fervently in my heart for most of my 48 years; recognizing my vulnerability, broken-ness and wounded inner child, I dove in head first and have done a shit-ton of work to be a good parent for myself, which is the right thing to do! I also asked for and received parenting from the Great Mother and Father (spirit), but I wished I could be hugged by a real squishy mom or dad. Perhaps I was finally in a place where I could receive this gift from the universe, and it came in the form a what I called in my prayers “a REAL 3-D mother and father”.
The judgmental nature of our culture surely doesn’t leave a safe pace for us to express that vulnerability. But what else calls out for the arrival and presence of deep love but vulnerability? Perhaps I magnetically drew it to me through my stubborn persistence that I wanted it so much! How can the earth expect to become a peaceful place of we cannot cry out to be loved and know that we will receive it?
I honor your need, and I hear you. I wish this for you…that the love you crave from a mother will be answered in the form you need/want it the most.
xo
I have stubborn persistence in spades… taurean bullishness … I believe that is part of the gift of the barely loved child.. that she/he hears the way the world is experiencing being barely loved and rises to tend to that … I want a squishy parent to hold too.. I will stubbornly keep holding out for that, and at the same time not tell lies about how much my wound around my misloving hurts. I feel so blessed to have had this conversation today <3
Jane,
I am so heartened by your honesty and commitment to yourself! And BRING ON the stubbornness! I found this was a very important part of my personality…I would have died a long time ago if I hadn’t had the pluck to keep fighting for myself. Keep calling her….she will COME!
xo
P.S. I’m a Taurus, too!
Licia, I absolutely identify myself with your experience. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Maru,
Thanks for commenting! I’m so pleased to share it….I would like for everyone to know this can happen for them. It is a miracle.
xo
Oh Lovely Licia … my heart swells hearing this news! Hope we reconnect soon …XOXOX
Amy, my soul sister! 😀
We have witnessed each other in our search for mother love and in our healing from the lack of it…and we have even mothered each other! There is hope!
Love you.
xo
Hi, Licia. I was incredibly lucky in my own birth parents and cannot really begin to imagine what it must be not to feel loved and accepted always and without doubt or exception by your own parents.
And so I have enormous admiration for the way you have turned all that around, have found the loving parent within to nurture you, and have turned outward to help others struggling with love or faith or dark moments in their lives. But this is quite an amazing story that seems almost to recreate your roots. What a blessing!
Hi Erica,
You are indeed incredibly fortunate…and I happened to know your parents and felt the goodness of their smile when they bestowed it. They were special souls on this planet, and my heart was touched by them. 🙂
Thank you for the compliment….I have been gifted with so much it is only right to share, and I have the full heart to do so! As I learned to rewrite my story with strength, I can help others do the same.
xo
Licia-I am so very happy for you!!! Everyone should feel the wonder of a mother’s love…and now you do…brings a smile to my heart…
Julie, thank you…I share your belief that everyone should feel the wonder of mother’s love. I can’t think of anything more fundamental to wellness and wholeness than to feel claimed and loved beyond measure. It brings a smile to my heart, too. Maybe now I can be a mother to many more, now that my cup is being refilled? We’ll see how this all unfolds as my next book comes out. Love you, xo
Wow! What a great SHIFT for you and your family. What does it to feel like to GET what you have been GIVING for so long? Way overdue.
Hi Diane,
Thanks so much for the reflection. It is indeed a positive shift, for my whole family!
And your words have me thinking about the call to serve that I have been answering since I left my family of origin. I realize that I felt the desire to help the world very early, but that it became more about my own survival and I lost that thread until I went to school to get my art/education degree. I couldn’t even process helping other people until I had some time and space away from that environment. Then, the impulse to serve and give cold re-surface and I could start to hear/feel it again. Over the years, the more I have healed, the more I have been able to give to others. Now that my cup is re-filling, I can’t wait to see how much more I can give!
Thank you for creating an opportunity for me to see this more clearly. 😀
xo
My Dear One!
What absolute magic for you! How life altering and joyous. I agree with Diane up there, also to add you are so deserving of this great shift! Thank you for sharing this story with me.
Sending my love.
Jen!
Thanks so much for your words! It IS magical…not even expecting this (or even knowing that adult adoption was possible), this feels like a gift straight from the universe, deposited in my lap. It affirms to me that miracles can happen for ALL OF US…that we can keep hoping and wishing and praying and doing the inner work…and that our dreams will indeed be answered. Perhaps not in the form that we expect…I hoped that my birth parents would change and show their love for me in healthy ways. Since that avenue was not possible, parental unconditional love found another way to get to me. THANK YOU UNIVERSE
xo