I am feeling led to write about partnership today…I like to start when I get these urges to examine a concept by defining the word as well as looking up its synonyms:
Partnership-a cooperative relationship between people or groups who agree to share responsibility for achieving some specific goal.
Syn. alliance, collaboration, companionship, relationship
Ah, yes….this is what we are striving for in our family.
We used to fit more under the usual model of family-raising, which can range from dictatorship to benevolent neglect, with lots of stops in between. Parenting is a hot issue, one that many disagree on and seem to feel it is their God-Given right to do as they please with their children. Who am I to say that is not true? But we are led to parent differently.
Years before I ever had children, I truly wasn’t sure I wanted to have any. My family upbringing did not inspire much confidence in furthering my genes in the world, but more than that, I felt like “damaged goods” due to childhood abuses, and I truly did not want to pass that illness on to anyone else. When Peter and I met, our mutual love and respect for one another began a healing process….within two years of being with him, I was ready to acknowledge (and tackle) my unhealed wounds reclaim my joy for life. But what I was interested to note was that my primary drive to endure years of therapy and excruciating emotional pain was to be a conscious mother to my someday children. I would not have children until 7 years after Peter and I met.
Our goal when Jess first arrived into our lives one magical full moon night was that we would do no harm to our children. As a teacher, I had seen first hand (and still believe) that children are not an empty vessel that it is our sacred duty to fill up, or “wild animals” that we must tame….on the contrary, children come with much insight and knowing that, if we will but listen, benefits us as adults greatly. There in that tiny baby is personality, there are innate preferences, there is soul. When I gazed into infant Jess’ eyes, there was no question that there was a very old and wise Being looking lovingly back at me. But does that mean that we do nothing and worship at the feet of our children, never saying the word “no” and never giving them boundaries? I feel that is as out of balance as the “empty vessel” scenario.
I have observed that it is a partnership between those adult custodians of the physical world and the children who come into it. It is our sacred task to inform and guide them about navigating through the physical world they have newly come into, without instilling to much fear or limiting beliefs, but being realistic with them, too about life in the 3rd dimension. Their part of the partnership is to remind us of the Source we came from, to inspire us to re-connect with our joy and playful nature, and to bring the wisdom of grace into our lives, if we will but let it in.
As our children have gotten older, we have evolved quite a bit as a family. Where I felt very protective as a mother of young children, I now have teen and pre-teen boys, who are making their bold foray into independence and making many decisions on their own. I feel led to honor this transition by stepping back, giving them room.
Jess is now almost 15, and he is technically a man. When I look at him, I marvel that I ever held him in my arms as an almost 10 pound baby! Peter and I are around for him to assist with decisions that he feels he needs help on, and we do step in if we see him making a choice that could be harmful….but he has an internal sense of structure and balance that seems to guide him.
Aidan is 11, and a very special and sensitive soul…..he is so empathic and feels the world acutely, the unspoken feelings of others come through him like he is a TV channel. The physical world has been a confusing and tough place for him at times. He is still needing more guidance, and he has not yet found his internal sense of balance. In the stead of an internal one, we must try to provide an outer structure to help him until he finds his internal core of balance.
My goal as a parent to stay acutely aware of where our kids are and what they need in a given moment, and to provide it in the most loving way I can. But just as important, we feel that the boys have much wisdom to offer us as partners in our family.
Some may feel that using a partnership model to describe a family dynamic is a little strange….well, it certainly is different than what most folks do in their families! Honoring and respecting all parties in the family as one would in a business partnership, for example, is a bit of a new concept. But it is what works for us.
Going back to the definition of partnership, I see that it implies there is a “specific goal” or intention in the partnership, the purpose of getting together in the first place. Well, I am one who feels that there is a much larger picture going one, that it is no accident that these two marvelous beings came to me and Peter. Do we choose our parents from on high? Aidan told me when he was three that he remembered choosing me because of my smile. When I was pregnant with Jess, I dreamed about him as he is now, conversing with me about his name. I am one who knows there is much more to life than what we see here in the physical world, and if my life experience shows me anything, these children who come in now-adays have got a goal in mind.
Perhaps it is in raising consciousness or maybe even saving the human race from extinction….I can’t say for sure. But I do know that Creation does not make mistakes….if I want to do my part in honoring and respecting All of Creation, I’d be wise to honor and respect my children, and the part of Creation they represent. I’d be wise to look with fresh eyes at them every day, seeing what they are offering to me and to the world, and not try to cram them into a pre-conceived box labeled “Who I want my kids to be”.
I take parenting very seriously…..obviously, I think about it a lot. Partly informed by the parenting I encountered in my birth family, but even more by what feels like a Soul-charge, like what I came here to do. I can think of nothing more holy than that I offer these precious ones up to the world after having done the best I could do as their mother.
What I am noticing as we travel for our second journey in our family saga is that these amazing people who happen to be my children are standing up and taking their roles as partners the more we allow them to do so, by making room in our decision making and by accepting them for who they are. It is a marvelous gift to be taught by them, and to feel them growing into such wonderful men and partners in humankind.
