My last couple of weeks have been intensely devoted to balancing my inner masculine; this comes as I’m writing a book that addresses the collective change we are all experiencing, the Great Re-Balancing of the feminine and masculine principles within and in the Whole.  I wouldn’t be an expert in these matters if I weren’t observing and recording the process I am undergoing myself!

Over the last years of coaxing my inner feminine closer to balance and having great success, it became obvious that the masculine within me needed some attention, too.  Not because I necessarily knew what the masculine was…I don’t see too many positive role models of balanced, authentic masculine energy in popular culture, so I earnestly began that dialogue to know.  Just what IS masculine energy?    

Well, I thought the Sacred Feminine and Great Mother were a mystery!  When I first intentionally connected to Great Father and the Divine Masculine, it was such a shock I couldn’t talk about it.  I experienced the energy as very powerful, very present, very linear and direct.  Like a pointed finger rather than a cupped hand, although not because there were any fingers pointing at me!  It was the quality of the energy that was so amazingly different than my experience of the feminine.  It was powerfully singular, as opposed to the feminine which feels to me to be powerfully whole-oriented, or connective.

I have been getting to know Him over these last couple of years, slowly.  I am finding I need to approach Great Father and the Divine Masculine with some caution, probably because of my own internal programming and unease around the masculine due to my role models.  In my case, the masculine energy I saw and interacted with as I grew to adulthood did not protect me, and in some cases actively harmed me.  My inner masculine grew to be alternately aggressive or emasculated depending on the situation. 

But what I am finding about Great Father and the Divine Masculine is that there is a balance in there of being solid, confident, clear, protective and taking care of business without being overly aggressive, or bagging out by being a disempowered masculine.   It is an energy that is completely awe-inspiring, and to stand in the presence of it is nothing short of miraculous.

Two weeks ago I was writing in my studio as I do every work day from 9-5 or so, when I was instructed to pause by my professional team (my professional team is a group of higher consciousness intelligences that assist me in my work).  I paused, then was told to open up a new document in order to write a letter.  I asked who I would be writing to, and was told, “Your father”. 

My earthly father is a person I have lots of complicated feelings about, so hearing this instruction was not easy.  However, I was told I would be writing a “Soul Letter” (Soul Letters are something I was taught to do by my angelic helpers several years ago…for more info, subscribe to my e-zine on my website, www.liciaberry.com ; the September e-zine issue will be instructions on how to write Soul Letters).  One benefit of writing a Soul Letter is that it is not delivered in the physical world to the recipient, but at a soul level.  This helped.    

It was cathartic; the point of a Soul Letter is to say all of the things you can’t say to that person in physical life because they would react poorly to it or not hear it.  Some things need to be expressed, and writing them in a Soul Letter is a great way to do it.  I cried and felt genuine appreciation as well as anger with my father for the man he was and is.  It opened me up, cleared some things out of the way.  My afternoon was spent continuing with my writing in the book about what I had discovered.  I had no idea then how taking this action freed me to experience authentic masculine energy in a magical experience that was to unfold that afternoon.

When I walked out of the studio a little before 5pm, I found that my car was having trouble.  It would start, but then peter out, as if there was something wrong with the fuel line.  I tried re-starting it several times, looking at my dashboard for indicators lights, turning off the air-conditioning and listening.  Still, it would turn over but not sustain running the car.  Hmmmm.

I felt strangely calm for being stranded in a marginal part of town with the only car in my family’s possession several miles from home or any friends’ help.  I called Peter to tell him the situation; he listened, told me to try the things I had already tried, then sat confounded about what to do.  I noticed that I was agitated with him for a moment as he seemed to be paralyzed.  But I was still very calm.  He got off the phone to collect his thoughts and called me back.  I found out later that he was collecting up his desire to help and protect me and weighing it against the fact that he was so far from me that he was powerless to do much of anything.  I found out something else, too.

He told me later that night that, in his earnest desire and knowing that it was his role to show up for me as the masculine partner in my life, he did the only thing he could.  He asked Great Father and the Divine Masculine for help….to extend beyond his own hands and to activate the Great Father energy in anyone I interacted with so that I would be taken care of.

And that’s exactly what happened.  You just read my experience in the previous entry.

Later, as I processed this extraordinary experience, I realized that by following the suggestion to write that letter to my biological father I had made a choice to shift.  Feeling and expressing the feelings about how my father did not show up for me as well as the ways he did, therefore initiating a sea change inside, I had cleared a space.  I had opened myself to experience authentic, balanced masculine energy.   And it had rushed in, in spades!  What a delight!

I called the road service, where a man named Troy answered the phone.  His first question to me was, “Are you in a safe place?”  It stopped me in my tracks as I felt a wave of appreciation for his question; he then proceeded to take excellent care of me as he called the tow service while I held the line, then let me know exactly when they would arrive.  I thanked him and waited. I called Peter back to let him know the progress.  He had been in touch with the Honda dealership; they were expecting me and would have a rental car ready for me.  I passed the next 45-50 minutes noticing that I felt completely supported and not worried about my being stranded or that my afternoon plans were shot.  It was a feeling I’ve had before of being held by larger hands, a sense that a larger plan is being played out and that I would be okay.

The tow driver showed up in a fancy flat bed truck.  He was an articulate, bright eyed and friendly Latino man who worked carefully with me to make sure that the car got up on the flat bed without scratching the bike rack hanging low on the rear of the car.  He conversed with me as he drove me to the Honda Dealership; I learned about his growing up in the south and told him stories of the snow drifts in our recent home of Colorado.  When he dropped me off, without being asked, he took care to park the car carefully with the bike rack pointed into a place where it would not be seen or stolen.  He then waited as I spoke with the service people to say goodbye and shake my hand.

Then I met Brian, the service man who took care of me while my car was being processed.  He quietly listened as I described the issues,  called the rental car company to say I was ready for my rental, then took the trouble to walk out to my lovingly parked car with me as I retrieved my computer bag.  We made small talk while I waited for the rental car folks to arrive.  His complete willingness to take care of me was a third example of this masculine principle. 

The rental car company sent an older fellow to come pick up from the Honda dealership; he came in to find me then escorted me back to the rental, opening the door for me. There was opera music on the radio; this sparked a conversation about arts and culture.  When we arrived at the rental car lot, he introduced me to a young man behind the counter named Jay, who promptly took complete care of me, staying well past the six o’clock closing time to make sure I had all the things I needed.  At no time did I feel rushed or that he was annoyed.  He was taking care of me because it was the right thing to do.

I had no less than 5 men in one short 90 minute period exhibit to me what one principle of masculine energy is meant to look like, on the very same day that I was guided to examine my father’s role modeling of imbalanced masculine energy.  I arrived home grateful, in wonder about my experience, and full of appreciation for the balanced masculine, with a knowing of my next step.  Taking care of what is meant to be taken care of.    

Taking care of what is meant to be taken care of is not solely a masculine principle.  Feminine energy also takes care of what needs to be taken care of, but it expresses differently.  I think of what I learned as the parent taking care of my babies; quiet nurturing, keeping them clean and safe, making sure they got enough sleep, holding, feeding, loving…the kinds of “taking care” that are maybe less noticeable, somehow more fundamental. 

Peter delighted as I related my experiences with these 5 men when I got home; he remarked repeatedly how calm and happy I seemed given the situation.  I told him that I had felt the strange sensation of being taken care of by some larger hands.  It was then that he shared with me his experience when I called him with car trouble earlier that day…of being so far away and feeling powerless to help.  His solution helped to set the stage for me to experience balanced masculine energy. 

(Tune in Friday 8/27/10 for the rest of the story!)

Never Alone, collage by Licia Berry 2010, copyright Licia Berry 2010

 Last night in my bed time ritual of connecting very consciously with my angels and helpers to ask for suggestions and guidance, I was happily surprised to find Great Father, an aspect of the Divine Masculine, wishing to speak with me.  His voice is very clear and strong, as are His suggestions.

He spoke to me of expressing my power through my throat…using my voice as a tool for Love in this world, in a powerful way.  I questioned how this was different than my usual expression of Love.  I am still discovering the answer.

But this morning I noticed how happily I joked around with my sons and husband as we got ready for the first day of school, how lightly I stepped, how open my heart was as I saw them and the world.  I had major insights about our relationship with my in-laws, some patterns and cycles that had previously not revealed themselves to me.  I noticed that self-love, perhaps the most primary concept that we can actively remember in order to save ourselves, seemed attached to all of this. 

I found myself appreciating my physical body in a new way as it powered up the hills this morning on my bicycle, as it chewed the kale I ate for breakfast and internalized the light nourishment from the powerful food medicine.   The music my son put on this morning moved me to tears (it was the Beatles). 

And then it got bigger…..my love of self expanded to how strong my body was to bring these two beautiful almost 10-pound babies into the world, rocked in love with my Beloved to create them, steered me through the storms of my childhood…all the way back to my inception and even prior, my choice to come here to earth.

It is hard to describe the sweetness of genuine love for oneself…it is a solitary, single point of sensation for me, as if there is no other reality besides this one realization that I belong.  That I am loved and love itself.  It is all-inclusive, all encompassing.  It feels like being Source.

This sort of experience is not new for me; I have been in this place with enough consistency to know it when I am in it and to miss it when I’m not.  But when it happens, it changes everything.  It is like tasting manna from heaven, and it’s enough to last for a long time. 

Perhaps the suggestions made to me last night by Great Father to “express Love from my throat in a powerful way” were intended to lead me to share with you my experiences of Love.     

And guess what song is playing as I finish this post?    All you need is Love.    

The Merging of the Worlds, collage 2010 by Licia Berry, copyright Licia Berry 2010

I know summer’s not over yet, but I’m already seeing a pattern and giving it a theme; for me, this is the summer of the masculine.

What do I mean by that?  I experience that I have both feminine and masculine energy within me; I believe this is true for everyone.  I am not talking about male/female when I say feminine/masculine.  I’m talking about feminine and masculine principles, the yin/yang or qualities of energy that serve equal and opposite functions and create and sustain physical reality. 

I am aware through my own 45 years of being a keen observer of human behavior (as well as working my own inner process like a scientist in a laboratory) that these two energies, when in harmony and balance, are the foundation and the key to living a physical life in beauty.  I am also aware that when these two energies are not in harmony or balance that they reveal how we make choices that are imbalanced and unsupportive of the Whole.  

If you’ve been reading my work for the last several years, you know that I have been working very intensively with the Sacred Feminine and Great Mother to find Her, feel Her, experience Her and embody Her in my life, all in the name of informing my inner feminine about how to live in balance.  She has been very present and anchored within my consciousness and my physical existence, so it was time to do the same for my inner masculine as well… after all, I’m the one who is constantly taking about balance, right?

So I started bringing my inner eye to my masculine energy a couple of years ago, and it has been astonishing to discover who my inner masculine is.  I have found many faces of my earthly father, grandfathers, uncles, other father figures and cultural faces of the masculine.  These faces exhibit qualities that I would consider helpful and supportive of my life and the Whole, and others that are not.  It’s been my intention to heal the places in me that exhibit behaviors that are not.

My 24-year relationship with my Beloved has been a laboratory for this work as well; while everything starts at the Source, meaning inside us, the next level out is the intimate relationship we have.  Peter and I have been learning about Sacred Union with each other all of these years, but it has taken an interesting turn for the better since I initiated my quest for internal M/F balance.  His own process has been deeply impacted as well as our relationship.  This is the way it works in any system; when a change is introduced, the system must them adjust and re-balance to accommodate the change.

I am in the midst of (eyeball deep as a matter of fact) a writing project that was initiated by the art that came through me in May and June of this year.  These art pieces, while at first seemingly a pictorial history of the feminine and masculine energies, are now revealing a deeper story to me each day as I go to the studio.  They whisper of how the feminine and masculine energies originally emerged to play in this universe, how they moved apart to imbalance, and how to bring them back together in Sacred Union.  It has been shown to me why we must embody the feminine first in order to bring the masculine into balance.  I’m told that the amazing era that we are entering (albeit bumpily, with some turbulence), is an era of Balance, a return to the equal partnership of the feminine and masculine principles.  My summer has been devoted to recording what these pieces are telling me.

But, like everything else I do, this project is intimately tied with how I work with my inner process.  As I am recording this fantastic story, it is changing me.  My consciousness is expanding to include the new information, and as a result, my inner masculine and inner feminine are moving together; this movement is creating some interesting dynamics!  And none so interesting as the movement this summer.

And so I will be reporting in periodically about how it’s going with my “inner lovers”.   As I write for my Sacred Union project, I’ll be sharing some of my discoveries about what imbalanced masculine or feminine energy looks like, how they look when they are balanced, and how to bring them to that place within.  Because when we are balanced within, we bring more balance to the world, yes?

Archangel Gabriel by Amy Paloranta, www.goddessincognito.com

I asked my good friend and artist Amy Paloranta if  I might post her wonderful piece, “Archangel Gabriel”, because it illustrates so well what I am feeling right now.

I posted a discussion on FaceBook about how I feel as though I am “falling apart” in order to be re-assembled into something more wonderful…it is a felt sense of deconstruction in order for reconstruction to happen.  I have been through it many time in my life, and I’m sure this is not the last time!

I find these cycles of disorganization/reorganization to be cyclic, seasonal, organic and part of the flow of life.  I am reminded constantly how we are creatures of Nature, and therefore subject to all of the laws of balance that Nature operates within inherently.  And just like everything Nature, we are moving through process and becoming the next thing that we are to become!

The part that is a little tricky is that we are free will beings, so we can resist the natural prompts to let go and grow; we can cling hard to that piece of driftwood in the ocean because we think it’s the only thing keeping us alive, when there may be a luxury ocean liner just over the horizon (this image was given to my Beloved in a session with me 2 days ago).  In my experience, clinging to that outdated energy, whatever form it may take (relationship, occupation, geographical location, belief system, etc.) is a recipe for misery.  Eventually, balance wins.  My philosophy is to go ahead and cooperate with it!

Part of my path to cooperate with change when it is occurring is to listen very intently on the interior…with my inner ear.  What I mean by that is to feel where the stream of truth lies within me, my most authentic self, and lean into it, allowing the debris of the old me to fall away.  I experience a lot of assistance in the energy that we call  “Archangel Gabriel” as I work with this dynamic of “inner listening”.   I experience this angelic energy as one that supports inner hearing as well as expressing what is heard.

The FaceBook discussion has proven a fruitful one; many others have chimed in to say they are also experiencing this dynamic of deconstruction/reconstruction.  I would venture to say that we all are, but that some of us may be more aware of it than others.  I think what is important for ME to know is that this is all happening for the good of us…it is not some imposed horror from the outside, but a natural growth and evolutionary process of us becoming more of who we are.

"Igmu Tanka Chantay Weh", collage by Licia Berry 2007 copyright

I’m from the south…I was born in North Carolina and lived in the south most of my life.  I’d never been west as a child (the furthest I got was Little Rock, Arkansas, but that’s a story for another time.)  Oh, and we went on a family trip to Dallas, Texas.  But I never got DEEP west until 1990, when I took a fateful trip with my husband that felt like pure destiny.  I crossed the Mississippi and found a world that captured my heart.

As a young married couple, we were feeling the itch to get out from under our roots and see the world, seek our fortunes, find out who we were.  We felt that a move out west was the right direction, but I’d never been there, so off we went during my summer break (I was a public school art teacher at the time).  We traveled the southwest on a three week road trip with a lot of music, a camera and not very much money.  It was the best trip ever.

I remember the feeling the first time we got west of the center of Texas and I saw the full moon rise behind us as we sped through the dark across the open plains.  There was something about that giant sky and that wise open space that cracked my heart open.  We went all over New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado and a bit into Utah.  We had multiple magical encounters on that trip; from outrageous coincidences to the awe inspired by the colors of the earth and the light, it was one head-over-heels experience after another.  We fell in love with Tucson, AZ and moved there two years later. 

We’ve lived in Tucson, Albuquerque NM and southern Colorado since…each time we have left the southwest to come back to the south (where we are now), but have boomeranged back, as if we are back to refill our cup with the magic that seems to live there.  I have been missing it again lately, which is what prompted me to write this post.

I was thinking about why I am overcome every so often with a feeling in my heart, a beckoning, as if the desert is calling my name on the wind, yet it is inside my chest.  I was wondering why the feeling I have when I feel the Sacred Feminine in my consciousness feels so similar to the feeling I have when I am in the wide open spaces, looking up at the giant blue sky and the mountains on the horizon.  There is a feeling of awe and quiet, a feeling of being so small in such a big place, a feeling of being held and nurtured, and a sense of ancient knowing.  It feels like Her.

Just a few days ago I realized that the desert is where I first consciously felt the Sacred Feminine.  And it is there that I have continued to deepen my relationship with Her.  Each time I have lived out west the ante gets higher; I am simultaneously driven to my knees and lifted up by Her magnificent presence, Her calling herself forward in me.

Maybe I come back to the south to bring what I’ve learned, a taste of the desert dream to this land that I come from and that holds so many hard memories of being a smart girl growing up in the bible belt.   And maybe I will go back to the sit at Her feet every so often and drink of Her wisdom.

The most recent translation of my Midlife Collage will examine the latest elements that I was guided to add.  They bring some interesting medicine!

• parsley – I utilize plant medicine as part of my energy work, so seeing parsley was a cue to me to ask parsley for some medicine.  Parsley is associated with regeneration, helping one have an open mindset to new ideas, including to guidance from inner realms.  
• the swinging lady - happy, playful, reaching for Spirit, me! 
• “marriage”  – refers to the marriage of my inner feminine and masculine, something I have been working on fervently for the last few years 
• “glorious debris” – when I ask about this one, I am given an image of the tail of a comet; there is beautiful stuff flying off the main body as it moves through space.  I get the feeling of releasing what’s in the way of living an authentic life, the life I have committed to live in the time I have left.  I think that this is how we get down to the essence of something, and that what’s left is what’s real. 

Perhaps this is what I’ve been doing as I navigate through midlife?  No doubt about it.  I feel as though I have been sandpapered, sculpted, stripped, honed, planed, whittled, and cleansed since I turned 42 years of age.  I really get the idea of midlife being a rebirth; it truly is an opportunity, a trial by fire, to come back to my core essence and decide again how I want to live my life. 

I’m so grateful for the messages and support of All Creation in all of its forms, and it is especially delicious when it comes through these guided collages that I dowse for myself and others.  There is something magical about seeing which images are chosen; I feel like a treasure hunter hitting gold when I hear the translation for the images and it makes so much sense.  I’m reminded (yet again) how much we are loved, how much we are supported, how connected we are to everything in the Web of Life.

This collage is not finished; as a matter of  fact, I am told that I will add something to it this week!  Oh goody.  What will my next support be?

Glorious Debris-Midlife Card (Back), collage by Licia Berry, 2009 copyright

The continuing story of my Midlife Collage! 

After the initial 4 elements were in place, some months later I was guided to place the above image and wording on the back of the collage.

What does this mean?

First of all, for just one lovely image (it is artwork from the WeMoon calendar) to have been chosen, it must be powerful; it carries an energy that doesn’t need other images to complete the story.  The words “Deepen into Nature” just compliment or affirm the image.

Secondly, for the image to be chosen for the back tells me that it is a foundational piece of information.  The back of the collage is the spine, the thing that holds the collage together.   Deepening into Nature is a primary suggestion for me to navigate my passage through midlife.

Of course the image itself is full of symbolism!    It is steeped in symbols of the Sacred Feminine, the earth, transformation, higher knowing and growth.  Fits right in!

Nature used to be my best friend; it rejuvinated me, gave me fresh eyes, reminded me who I really am and the bigness of the universe we live in.  Nature, since it is inherently balanced, helps me re-balance.  Over the last few years, though, I seem to have shifted my focus to more indoor activities.  It was a good prompt to get back in touch with my old friend.

You can see that I have used the back of the card to record the dates that I have been guided to add something new.  It is interesting to me now as I look back on starting this card how much of what was shown to me has absolutely been my journey!

Next…parsley, the swinging lady, “marriage” and “glorious debris”!